lacklustre performance... easily exhausted n down on luck

Before the lunar pig yr march in.. i have this buggy thought that this year is going to be not so smooth ahead with increase of difficult situations n new problem issues arising frm work.
the rain continues to pour mercilessly on this weekday afternoon .. on lunch hours.
tings like technical fault, those which r nt human error happen to disrupt my normal routine... i wonder if tis is due to my lack of luck or just fate...
perhaps its a new term. n i m still adjusting to the hours... so exhausted after class each day .. n i 've having too many dreams recently. which makes me even more drained out even i had many hours of beauty recuperating sleep .
lady luck is just not on my side......

i hope my luck gets better

the yr 2007 marks a new start. n my first email was a complaint issue... OMG, n before that the sad news is my sales team is gonna spilt.. one of my members cannot move to a new team. n shes gonna b transfered. tis is so demoralising after working together for a couple of months , we manage to build up a little bond, its a mixed feeling.it affects everyone , no one's recovered frm the sudden news.
to make matters worse, my phone just die on me.. n i manage to get a little loan phone from a pal if nt i super handicapped without my cell... it says no service.. no signal on n off . tis is so pek jek...
even if i dun like the changes, i still got to accept it even the new team might not be as friendly n caring environment.
its like a political decison.
i hope my luck gets better.....
i need a lot of positive energy.. coz i have been so grouchy lately.. i tink i remind myself of a shriveled plum sometimes..
i really need to take tings slow , n put relationship on hold for a while , coz all tis little episodes just drive me to a corner.. i had enough, n till e rite one pops... i tink theres no need for me to get hurt unnecessarily. time to learn frm tat old lesson. nt worth mentioning..

e end of a long weekend n a brand new start

it s the end of the long weekend, a brand new yr, 2007. seriously i dunno how i manage to get thru it.sometimes when i c someting , or listen to some songs, it reminds me of him. i know its over but somehow i cannot bring myself to accept the truth coz it hurts to know.
i put in effort but i cannot c the result. e more i give in, the harder it is to get over it.
wat a joke...
tis will take me a long time to heal... i try my best to forget but its nt easy
i wonder if its so easy for him on his side..

letting go.. but y wont e head n heart cordinate

i have 10mins before i reveal the commercial sam that i present to the rest. seriously i feel bad , badly hurt.
i wonder if he feels sad oso that he has been the nasty guy. i realized one ting its difficult to make a decison to make someone sad. feels worse i tink.
maybe its just nt the rite timing.
maybe its just me for being difficult
although its over, i cant stop myself thinking about him, missing him esp in the holiday season. i was supposed to prepare my essays but i couldnt bring myself to do anyting decent. even for last nite. i forced myself to rest so i can have a better time the next day for work.
this yr's xmas n new yr eve had indeed been "memorable"
i m afraid. so afraid of losing him before. but i still lost him.
is there someting to erase my memories so i can b happier.. which is known a selective memory hahahhahah...
time to start cracking for work.. time nt to wallow in self -pity

it was like a holiday romance

just like some ppl , some things happen n end quickly. it was like a holiday romance testing the patience of 2 individuals poles apart. my patience has been tested to the maximium, n tis has tell me someting, a bunch of excuses n the actions taken to justify a person 's true character.
i know i will pull myself up frm tis nonsensical behavior which is not worth over a lousy person. after being in n out of each relationship, i guess we just cant be swayed by emotions, n begin rashly.in order to prevent being heart broken.. e time was short. n there was a lot of waiting.. its nt a good feeling to be always the one waiting.always the person putting in effort n nt being reciprocated. yah frens tell me nt to waste time on such a person. he has nt contributed much n now hes blaming me for it. yet i feel terrible... esp in the midst of a long weekend ahead, nt that i dread them but it would b a good time to recuperate alone.. nursing the wounds that were inflicted on me.i feel cheated , with a chain of promises but each were nt fulfiled or even the minimum achieved. all talk n no action.n tis is how i cultivate trust... TRUST!
A person whos nt fit to question me, what was e objective of having a significant other. when he cannot be relied on. turning my back on me when i need someone.n finally this wakes me up from a long summer dream n all sorts of possible reason sprung to my mind. wat if he doesnt cares at all, another suitable candidate perhaps.or simply hes too lazy to try to accomodate.leaving another party sad n alone.i should thank him for nt prolonging my agony n false naive thoughts that i can still carry on one- sidely based on my effort. if nt the last day of the year would turn out to b the worst day of the whole year.

awakened

i had one of the most miserable nites so far during my xmas holiday tis yr, i dragged myself out of bed today. its been ages since i feel down to work.
the weather has been bloody cold n e wind has numbed me while walking on the streets
it just proves me someting after e call last nite.

there is a little voice in me which tells me hes like a bond. slow n stable , low risk n worth the time for investment
i finally wake up n decide to nt to tink further
it drains too much of my energy.
i check up on the net to find e testimonial deleted , i tink i can expect the worst outcome.
some tings cant b forced
he doesnt puts in effort
hes too passive
hes insincere
if hes unwilling to accomodate so y in the hell he wanted to b in relationship in the first place
i have a valid reason to doubt coz i m most likely insecure, he does nothin to earn my trust
trust has to be accumulated gradually
i have a feel tat i m always kept in the dark, we already dun communicate much, or even sms. if he doesnt open up , i m really clueless
i felt tat iwas talking to air. cant help but was deeply disappointed tat he should turn out to b such ppl i suddenly dunno like a stranger.
e anxiety , e tension , was all for nothing
n i have been a complete fool doing all sorts of crap n effort .

confused n troubled

its been a tough nite for me. i keep tossing n turning.. i have a lot of questions in my head. my head n my mind is just not functioning in unity.
its making me miserable on e best solution
yet deep down i dun want to give up but yet it is tough
should i prolong, drag on or improve on things
once i make a decision , i must keep in mind on the consequences. e suspense is keeping me so difficult . so troubled to do anyting now.
i must learn to trust him fully if nt i 'll face e same problem again.
if i decide to accept such a person, the long term effects r bound to b present.
n when tings still doesnt work out then, i will be worse off.
should i decide to take a chance , then i should go for it...

a lump in the throat

last nite was a chilly evening having a family dinner out. after several months it occured to me that i might a complete fool after all. y is there a difference before going together n after being together.y is there is a modification of behavior?
do i mean so insignificant at times.
i m petty in a way. i m normal, i just want someone to truly care. i always find that there is a distance. n i cant catch up with him.
frm his slack style , just gives me the impression he cant be bothered n he takes me for granted
sometimes he can b boring, but i dun really mind.i dun want just to waste my time with young punks.but then
wat if he is also dating another gal ..,, its a wild imagination...
n after having the talk. its worse than a lump in the throat..
i tot u understand...
such is the underlying meaning beneath those words.. wat can i comment...
be more understanding .. grow up...
nothing more can daunt such a person like him. after many yrs in the work force in the civil sector.
being immuned to work..going with the flow n expect e unexpected..
just enjoy the moment for now.. wats going to happen will eventually does one day.. cant really immerse myself in a degree of imagination n anticipation.
its e time to enjoy after a yr .

e best solution is nt to tink too much,

its better to accept a flaw then to stressing e change.it puts a strain subconsciously n drives me in this depressive syndronme which puts me off unknowingly whic h only my close pal can sense it although i say nothing at all.
love can make ppl stupid.. i m starting to belive it.
do stupid things n cant tink wisely.
its nt a easy time. for us . i can already c tat its going to b tough yr ahead with a lot of hurdles to cross one by one..understanding a person's character takes time . e inital projected perception can prove so wrong, takes time to accept a certain different trait frm urself.. given tat we came frm diverse background, education, beliefs n values we each hold.

one yr olderr nonetheless wiser

its been a great gathering with the defunct 1996-1999 4E2 bunch of classmates. with new members added, a lot of laughter, shared memories as we were playing like bunch of kids back in class,some of us has become different roles , mothers , parents.. each chosing our chosen path in our life. A fren of mine was just chatting , after another 10yrs will she be the remaining lot whos unmarried, so called no career advancements. no "achievements" like a sore loser..
a lot depends on individual decision. some might b ready.. or nt . accidentally delibrately change their own style of life stage , some for instance people like me r just nt "ready" for greater responsibilities , it hasnt cross my mind to take a step slower to take care of other people.. to settle down in my career .. n be a humble "woman" in my "own family"
i was advising my fren coz some things happen for some reason, like one of the incident she holds bitterly , that during one of the gathering , she brought her so called" current bf at the time" n tis mutual fren of hers subsequently got a little "close" with her beau at that time, veri open minded gal.. sort of flirting n has a history of bf snatching.tis fren of mine had a phobia of introducing her next bf to subsequent gatherings.if hes nt the rite one, perhaps marriage or advancing further would never be the top of lists.there are different phases in relationships from being 2 diffeent individuals of background, getting to know someone different n beliefs to accepting n gradually planning to live together n sustain the "flame" i supose this is making everyone so cluelesss but yet yearning of the closeness between each other.I also dunnno if this is healthy but i have gradually accepted that hes the cool man, take things slow n easy, i m nt dying to b married off yet, hes not someone who takes things in action but the ones who keep their passion within themselves.introverted type of supressive reflexes.the one close to me hasnt expressed any explicit wishes or even a call. i dunno whether hes playing dumb , hes tired..he simply cant b bothered or theres some hidden surprises installed for me.. i m nt tat petty but sometings tells me a cue. pehaps m i just an ornament or just being together.simply together n nothing more.
maybe hes been working veri hard, veri lazy chap , veri unromantic man. as for the good points, intelletual , open minded, humble ,easygoing ,fillal, cool. in short husband material but nt veri lover orientated.
i give in , i try to b as unaffected , to behave less of a petty woman,to b more open minded, magnanimous .
its weird.. nt a norm .y doesnt he showers me some attention, affection that i m cherished, deeply loved n wanted. to justify hey.. i do have someone.. but i feel tat tis doesnt happen.
its like having to accept something new.. prefering milk to coffee,, u hate drinking milk but its good for health. gradually u seem to forgot coffee does have some adverse effects , n u decide to adopt milk as a fav drink after a period of adjustment n u forgot tat coffee was once ur addiction. i was expecting but didnt received it. a little disappointment
letdown
tis is someone i chosed..
i hope some things might change..
or improve. for the better

weekend 091206 1113 & 10126 1708

someone has just told me how mercenary i have changed or even calculative.. towards some aspects. well we are living in the world of capitalism & everyting revolves of cost , time & efficiency
i m seeing thingsnow in blury state of mind coz my useless contact lens just broke into pieces n every account i access i let myself stick to the computer screen for fear of quoting the wrong account number..
10126 1708
last nite i received a call frm an old fren whose family was in a state of chaotic repressive mode. his dad was warden in the ICU by a sudden heart stricken ailment.as the eldest son of the family , this escalates his responsibility , definitely not an easy period to tide over. However my level of compassionateness to listen to his crappy style was limited & i was exhausted after sat's work event & date.
hes an hopeless little boy whos adopts the wimpy style to tackle tat sort of gal . bah.. passes my comments
was so playful with JL, becomes addictive with him , being with him,teasing him . i hope the upcoming getaway would b a successful one with my close pals having a little chill in together.the gals out plan seems a little modified after the addition of 2 male particpants .
it feels great being at ease with e ppl u trust n comfortable with.
this year has been fun filled with many new learning experiences in the front line . having known JL was the next best activity in the list having someone by my side to share my rough patches along the path. of couse not forgeting , 2006 also marks the 10th anniversary among my old frens.I owe them a tribute for the continous support they've given me throughout these 10 yrs.

its on wed..

OMG... tis is a festive month.. all getting excited coz boss is nt ard all the time to watch over us.. sales in fact has also been rather consistent among the consultants..
its 2pm in the day.. n i only c a lady among the queue zone.. tat brings to y i m blogging at this hour...
in fact i have a paper due this evening to take but i m just nt in the mood to attend the mock exam .. hahahahhahah
its another 10 odd days before my birthday. haiz nt another year older .. i was still pondering last yr whether i will b old n shrivelled on my 30th birthday m still left on the shelf..
thank god i found him.
to calculate it will b another 7 more yrs before i hit e big 3....
time never waits for no one..
my new motto since i embark on the banking industry
alwats thriving n striving the better if not the best ..
my bloody tooth... got to fix tat next fri
now back home comfortably in front of my set listening to hana kimi's sound track the world is quieter n calmer compared to day time .. with the background of crispy dollar notes spinning in the background..
3 precious weeks to enjoy..
then 2007
then got to clear bridging econs before final exam
a veri challenging n busy start of e year until mid yr . then e start of final yr in uni hopefully clear all 4 units
another holiday plan after holidays, looking forward , extra incentive to save up n stock up on cash

casually leisure sunday

031206 1800hrs
while chatting on the phone with lesbian buddy.. take a break before attempting past yr mock exam papers. this is a good time to practise some essay writing...
the weekend has been a academic retreat preparing the oncoming mock exam for yr 2006, another 3 weeks would b the end of the yr 2006 n the welcoming of 2007 & to march in age of 24 which happens to b my chinese astrological sign.. the boar the cute pig..hahaha
my most fearful unit happens to be financial accounting coz its bloody full of rules n format to adhere to. n i m naturally the careless type so this happens to b my personal killer subject .tonite will definitely b a long one with 2 exam units rite at the corner.. sleeping early n catchingon beauty sleep is out of question here..
my brain's rather stuffed full of ducks n waiing to unload all junk info on mon evening.
another 3 more days before winter break...
waiting....
bdae
celebration
PARTY!!
xmas

F"""ked up with life sometimes

its been 2 long weeks since i have been decently online or even staying up late on a weeknite.. coz i was so stressed up with work. $$ n sch academic stuff. for the last weekend i spent like 14hrs sleeping on a decent saat nite n spend sun working out accounting which took me like a lot of concentration to focus. a lot of uncertainty n ambigous try to clog my head n my brain starts to malfunction n fall apart . as though some heavy weight crushes on me n forces me to stay still there n hang on to there. e load sometimes suffocates me. last weekend was one of the rarest break with no mini event to spoil my break.
there is a lot of work n reviision to b done.. n i m only @ 20% capacity tis is indeed a worrying sign of "progress" n its making me depressed n less confident tat i wont b able to make it. mock exam is on the first week of dec.. now @ chapter 10 or so.. i have no idea how to solve frm chapter 5 onwards.. after e inital intensive revision.. i realize my own capability.. i need help.... spirtually... pray to the confusius.. as some classmate proposed to boost up the morale ...
hopefully a study group helps. i wont want to be caught dead in the last min craming of information .. tis will cause me to age faster n disintegrate at a rapid rate ...
lately at work is a picture of confusion sometimes with ocassional idiots to try to disrupt ur pace.
high demands , lack of accurate information , have to act wisely in the favourable postion in terms of organisation n personal..
its a fast pace environment .
like today i had an unreasonable request, n tat client is trying to propose someting which cant b done logically.. n its a an art of rejecting someone right on the face.. n yet preserving some dignity in tat person. weekend,, how beautiful but short lived... there r 2 extra reports to b done .. total of 4 to b submitted..
i have to tink of a gift.. its always a pain to shop for gifts . e emotional attachement as well is involved n esp its someone endearing although its a terrible shame tat i dunno wat he truly likes or needs.. so near n yet so far. 4 more days to decide n i settled some of the programs installed. time to zzzz

a long nite out on mon evening

to summarize
attended D & D
after a long day work
received GBB award during office hours
had fun with my colleagues
chill out .. part 2@ clarke quay
with jong n Jon..
diff nationalities .. communication is a slight problem but still can make it
while waiting for my hair to dry.. started to write a little
tml will be another long day as well.
meeting inthe morning
last day of the month..peak operation
rush to sch after i KO
kinda insane lifestyle
nt too many of such nites.. will easily becomewithered n depressed..
better crawl back to bed liao..

291006 1010

i haven been supressing a lot of my negative emotions.. by motivating myself tat its a small issue. because i dun want to stir tings up n cause too much implications between 2 individuals. until last nite i began to see tings from his perspective n i really wonder why we got together depsite being so different.
i forsee a lot of more difficult days ahead. theres much ambiguity on whether we can last to the test of time. however i have been oso reminding myself that this shouldnt affect my grades. a cooling off period would be good to acess whether i need this person. a lot of tings can change n besides i have my doubts , nt due to mistrust but its different wave lengths some times

wOmen noRmaLly forgEt hOw mUch thRy're wOrtH.. tis is a nick frm a fren. towards men they love. they r usually more lenient n forgiving. maybe i should stop behaving like some love sick idiot n pick myself up that i can fend on my own. n b so damn determined n less soft hearted to wicked men n men who try to smoke their way with me n make me lose my ability to reason.
to b fair , after hearing him out , perhaps its time to take some steps back n slower the pace between us. time to re-evaluate if i can accept a passive but promising person. hes defintely nt the bf material , however he makes a ideal life partner coz of his qualities . some rare type of traits i seldom c in ppl his age. hes intelligent but hes the act blur type, quiet achiever but ambitious.
veri cautious , sensitive but seldom shows his true emotions.determined to achieve his goals.....so much abt tat......2 be updated.

letting go of emotional baggages

after thinking thru a few nites i came to a conclusion. perhaps hes nt a lover material after all
instead of waiting , there are much more things i can do
option 1 is to accept for who he is
optioin 2 is the call it quits n break it off
option 3 is to fish for other men while maintaining the relationship half hoping he might change
option 4 is the nt commonly used method is to known as mutiple dating.. which is rather hurting to the another party
some consider it a " backup" plan just in case if plan A fails , we still have plan B, C, Nth
i will never take the initative ever.
feels cheap
demoralising
if hes nt the issue, perhaps i m the one whos nt attractive. good enough
by far, i have considered a few interviews frm my peers n the results i gather so far is that how can someone literally dump u in one corner. no time for anyting...
like some ragged doll
after some time . u convince urself that its just the way it is n its nt going to improve
have i been nt understanding towards him ?
i believed i have practised my utmost patience , for being taken for granted n if this is to be continuing this way. i dunno how to motivate myself to continue in this manner . is there any meaning or value-add in comparison to being by my own
i rather take his intepretation that even with or without someone by his side is secondary.
veri xian ..... what is being expected of him is so bloody minimum.. however out of 100% , i receive like 0.01. this is detrimental between us. yet there is no intiative or any solutions.
he rarely shares n i seldom ask too much
there is a lot of unspoken communication going on..
i m disappointed. shattered by someone. probabby he doesnt even cares.. so b it... shouldnt take long to discover if that other person is someone u wanna spend e rest of ur life with.
i just hang on n if i m still unhappy with someone , then just settle my immiseration then

a visit by TK

visit by tow kay.. veri unnatural feeling that suddenly e morale is suddenly surged to a pt..
being lowered as to e same type of uniformity.
well... so much of being neglected ....
maybe i m with r wrong guy again.. how depressing..

pondering....

had a nice chill out with my pals... over dinner n coffee..
there r probbabbly a dozen questions i 've thinking
does e problem lies with me, or m i just being too insecure of myself or him .
r we suited , is tat e kind of man i m seeking? some long term partner ideally
do i pose as a nuisance sometimes , attention seeking ? no i m not,, just sharing some recent updates instead of living each day on our own separate lives .. separately like as though we were not attached in the first place.. emotionally detached should b the term.. i m talking to air.. smsing to invisible.. there r no comments. no response. i should save all my comments to myself ?
strangely i m nt upset this time but rather i m considering is this e kind of attitude i should be receiving from someone i know or perhaps i shouldnt b even reacting or self responding?
i m e lame one here.. or i shouldnt be doing such tings?
perhaps there r a milion things i dun understand abt him n the only link i can group here is academics.. n besides that , character similarities is probabbly another factor that we can click, however the lack of communication does pose as a hindrance.
clearly there is some common ground that there is a need to focus on personal goals.. that should b the way but somehow it feels strange. y is it like this. its so alienated , its like e only term in my head, is there someting wrong but i cant pin point whats e error.
besides it should be lovey dovey , but its nt.
m i a leech, m i demanding. m i childish. m i on the wrong track. m i happy. should i b happy with such an outcome like that .
r we supposed to b together ?
is tat a wrong time to get involved?
is that a reason for that sort of behavior, is there any solution for such a problem.
how can i improve on such a situation, is there a better way out there ?
should i just relax n let tings go on it own course.
can i leave tings as it is now n expect it to roll on its own
is there a mis match between 2 unique individuals that cause certain irreconcilable differences , opinions , values , understanding, unintended consequences , the questions linger in my head , & i decided not to pursue further because this is nt veri healthy. it cause unnecessary strain in the process. n having heard of the little domestic episodes , there was a consensus , there will alwaysbe conflict.. its inevitable n there r certain measures to contain it. n a lot depends on the individual whether it can be resolved , 2 sides of a issue on the controversy. it can make or break an individual .
e maturity of this person accounts for the own actions n the impact on the people around this "self"..based by the terms of morals , intelligence . attitudes n behavior... i read abt this smart person at the papers ,, using his gifted intellectual intelligence to commit crimes, fraud. using it inappropriately which in turns results in deviancy n "punishment " towards such unaccepted mistake. tis tarnish his "record" which could b veri well promising. e wrong path n its the end.
hes a tough case to crack.
i should mind my own business afterall
its not worth e effort anyway. or issit false consciousness , that i m blinded to some imperfections. or maybe there s no explanation at all.
i done all i could.
e rest is ...........................................................
2351hrs 261006

gloomy evening.. 1829 251006

just trim my hair.. had a gd dinner aka ipoh hor fun @ orchid's

my hair looks good hehehe

waiting for a ex colleague to KO aat the mean time

weather outside is really cooling... ^_^

PH hari raya 1128hrs 241006

waking up fresh in the morning.. best.. especially on a PH
n today is the anniversay of me being a driver.. after today i can no longer display tat P plate again.. hahaha
tis will b a short entry shortly i will resume my readings.. on phenemology n ethnography. epistemology n otocology.. so much abt tat.. it can make someone go mad... wild reading too much of those stuff so much abt y peoply go mad, homosexuality, how to do reseaarch on tat. valididate on those findings n staff welfare.. HRm.. marketing...
another 2 more yrs i m as free as a bird.. worrying abt other tings like career n marriage , n tats wat i m working towards ultimately set up a family of my own. someting which i was deprived frm since young. i cant learn how to b a parent first until i become 1.. but i will read up lotsa to fulfil beiong a child's fren.. hahaha
how i envy those mates of mine sustaining those relationship of theirs... 7 yrs n still going strong.. was browsing thru their pics ..
my Nth bf.... haizzzzz...... OK! shall try my best to b happy in this relationship even it doesnt work out in the end..there is jsut nt much time for regrets if i have already made my choice.. just had to brave strongly ahead n take steps to improvise on it..

241006 2231
just came frm another family dinner @ sk.. was discussing some domestic issues..
watching ting's wedding video clip,my stupid bro turn ard n ask me.?
ah ling ah , wheres ur turn ? but the first ting u got to do is to go for a crash diet first.
dunno who is the poor guy out there ...hahaha..
the little gal in the family... hasnt really grow up nt phsyically but in a mental state of self. i dun tink i m ready yet to be detached frm the cosy background..
perhaps i dun need to b showered with a lot repsonsibilities.. i like my present moment.. can do last min travelling.. just take leave n pack my bag n off i go with my frens..
kinda carefree.. sleep thru morning.. wait 2 b served.. always desserts.. ready cut fruits arranged nicely after dinner.. jan n may will just settle tings in the kitchen
after having a family , the usual indulgences cannot be fulfiled as easily as when u were a little gal,, got to b more accomodating n patient towards a new extended family.