i have 10mins before i reveal the commercial sam that i present to the rest. seriously i feel bad , badly hurt.
i wonder if he feels sad oso that he has been the nasty guy. i realized one ting its difficult to make a decison to make someone sad. feels worse i tink.
maybe its just nt the rite timing.
maybe its just me for being difficult
although its over, i cant stop myself thinking about him, missing him esp in the holiday season. i was supposed to prepare my essays but i couldnt bring myself to do anyting decent. even for last nite. i forced myself to rest so i can have a better time the next day for work.
this yr's xmas n new yr eve had indeed been "memorable"
i m afraid. so afraid of losing him before. but i still lost him.
is there someting to erase my memories so i can b happier.. which is known a selective memory hahahhahah...
time to start cracking for work.. time nt to wallow in self -pity
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
it was like a holiday romance
just like some ppl , some things happen n end quickly. it was like a holiday romance testing the patience of 2 individuals poles apart. my patience has been tested to the maximium, n tis has tell me someting, a bunch of excuses n the actions taken to justify a person 's true character.
i know i will pull myself up frm tis nonsensical behavior which is not worth over a lousy person. after being in n out of each relationship, i guess we just cant be swayed by emotions, n begin rashly.in order to prevent being heart broken.. e time was short. n there was a lot of waiting.. its nt a good feeling to be always the one waiting.always the person putting in effort n nt being reciprocated. yah frens tell me nt to waste time on such a person. he has nt contributed much n now hes blaming me for it. yet i feel terrible... esp in the midst of a long weekend ahead, nt that i dread them but it would b a good time to recuperate alone.. nursing the wounds that were inflicted on me.i feel cheated , with a chain of promises but each were nt fulfiled or even the minimum achieved. all talk n no action.n tis is how i cultivate trust... TRUST!
A person whos nt fit to question me, what was e objective of having a significant other. when he cannot be relied on. turning my back on me when i need someone.n finally this wakes me up from a long summer dream n all sorts of possible reason sprung to my mind. wat if he doesnt cares at all, another suitable candidate perhaps.or simply hes too lazy to try to accomodate.leaving another party sad n alone.i should thank him for nt prolonging my agony n false naive thoughts that i can still carry on one- sidely based on my effort. if nt the last day of the year would turn out to b the worst day of the whole year.
i know i will pull myself up frm tis nonsensical behavior which is not worth over a lousy person. after being in n out of each relationship, i guess we just cant be swayed by emotions, n begin rashly.in order to prevent being heart broken.. e time was short. n there was a lot of waiting.. its nt a good feeling to be always the one waiting.always the person putting in effort n nt being reciprocated. yah frens tell me nt to waste time on such a person. he has nt contributed much n now hes blaming me for it. yet i feel terrible... esp in the midst of a long weekend ahead, nt that i dread them but it would b a good time to recuperate alone.. nursing the wounds that were inflicted on me.i feel cheated , with a chain of promises but each were nt fulfiled or even the minimum achieved. all talk n no action.n tis is how i cultivate trust... TRUST!
A person whos nt fit to question me, what was e objective of having a significant other. when he cannot be relied on. turning my back on me when i need someone.n finally this wakes me up from a long summer dream n all sorts of possible reason sprung to my mind. wat if he doesnt cares at all, another suitable candidate perhaps.or simply hes too lazy to try to accomodate.leaving another party sad n alone.i should thank him for nt prolonging my agony n false naive thoughts that i can still carry on one- sidely based on my effort. if nt the last day of the year would turn out to b the worst day of the whole year.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
awakened
i had one of the most miserable nites so far during my xmas holiday tis yr, i dragged myself out of bed today. its been ages since i feel down to work.
the weather has been bloody cold n e wind has numbed me while walking on the streets
it just proves me someting after e call last nite.
there is a little voice in me which tells me hes like a bond. slow n stable , low risk n worth the time for investment
i finally wake up n decide to nt to tink further
it drains too much of my energy.
i check up on the net to find e testimonial deleted , i tink i can expect the worst outcome.
some tings cant b forced
he doesnt puts in effort
hes too passive
hes insincere
if hes unwilling to accomodate so y in the hell he wanted to b in relationship in the first place
i have a valid reason to doubt coz i m most likely insecure, he does nothin to earn my trust
trust has to be accumulated gradually
i have a feel tat i m always kept in the dark, we already dun communicate much, or even sms. if he doesnt open up , i m really clueless
i felt tat iwas talking to air. cant help but was deeply disappointed tat he should turn out to b such ppl i suddenly dunno like a stranger.
e anxiety , e tension , was all for nothing
n i have been a complete fool doing all sorts of crap n effort .
the weather has been bloody cold n e wind has numbed me while walking on the streets
it just proves me someting after e call last nite.
there is a little voice in me which tells me hes like a bond. slow n stable , low risk n worth the time for investment
i finally wake up n decide to nt to tink further
it drains too much of my energy.
i check up on the net to find e testimonial deleted , i tink i can expect the worst outcome.
some tings cant b forced
he doesnt puts in effort
hes too passive
hes insincere
if hes unwilling to accomodate so y in the hell he wanted to b in relationship in the first place
i have a valid reason to doubt coz i m most likely insecure, he does nothin to earn my trust
trust has to be accumulated gradually
i have a feel tat i m always kept in the dark, we already dun communicate much, or even sms. if he doesnt open up , i m really clueless
i felt tat iwas talking to air. cant help but was deeply disappointed tat he should turn out to b such ppl i suddenly dunno like a stranger.
e anxiety , e tension , was all for nothing
n i have been a complete fool doing all sorts of crap n effort .
Monday, December 25, 2006
confused n troubled
its been a tough nite for me. i keep tossing n turning.. i have a lot of questions in my head. my head n my mind is just not functioning in unity.
its making me miserable on e best solution
yet deep down i dun want to give up but yet it is tough
should i prolong, drag on or improve on things
once i make a decision , i must keep in mind on the consequences. e suspense is keeping me so difficult . so troubled to do anyting now.
i must learn to trust him fully if nt i 'll face e same problem again.
if i decide to accept such a person, the long term effects r bound to b present.
n when tings still doesnt work out then, i will be worse off.
should i decide to take a chance , then i should go for it...
its making me miserable on e best solution
yet deep down i dun want to give up but yet it is tough
should i prolong, drag on or improve on things
once i make a decision , i must keep in mind on the consequences. e suspense is keeping me so difficult . so troubled to do anyting now.
i must learn to trust him fully if nt i 'll face e same problem again.
if i decide to accept such a person, the long term effects r bound to b present.
n when tings still doesnt work out then, i will be worse off.
should i decide to take a chance , then i should go for it...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
a lump in the throat
last nite was a chilly evening having a family dinner out. after several months it occured to me that i might a complete fool after all. y is there a difference before going together n after being together.y is there is a modification of behavior?
do i mean so insignificant at times.
i m petty in a way. i m normal, i just want someone to truly care. i always find that there is a distance. n i cant catch up with him.
frm his slack style , just gives me the impression he cant be bothered n he takes me for granted
sometimes he can b boring, but i dun really mind.i dun want just to waste my time with young punks.but then
wat if he is also dating another gal ..,, its a wild imagination...
n after having the talk. its worse than a lump in the throat..
i tot u understand...
such is the underlying meaning beneath those words.. wat can i comment...
be more understanding .. grow up...
nothing more can daunt such a person like him. after many yrs in the work force in the civil sector.
being immuned to work..going with the flow n expect e unexpected..
just enjoy the moment for now.. wats going to happen will eventually does one day.. cant really immerse myself in a degree of imagination n anticipation.
its e time to enjoy after a yr .
e best solution is nt to tink too much,
its better to accept a flaw then to stressing e change.it puts a strain subconsciously n drives me in this depressive syndronme which puts me off unknowingly whic h only my close pal can sense it although i say nothing at all.
love can make ppl stupid.. i m starting to belive it.
do stupid things n cant tink wisely.
its nt a easy time. for us . i can already c tat its going to b tough yr ahead with a lot of hurdles to cross one by one..understanding a person's character takes time . e inital projected perception can prove so wrong, takes time to accept a certain different trait frm urself.. given tat we came frm diverse background, education, beliefs n values we each hold.
do i mean so insignificant at times.
i m petty in a way. i m normal, i just want someone to truly care. i always find that there is a distance. n i cant catch up with him.
frm his slack style , just gives me the impression he cant be bothered n he takes me for granted
sometimes he can b boring, but i dun really mind.i dun want just to waste my time with young punks.but then
wat if he is also dating another gal ..,, its a wild imagination...
n after having the talk. its worse than a lump in the throat..
i tot u understand...
such is the underlying meaning beneath those words.. wat can i comment...
be more understanding .. grow up...
nothing more can daunt such a person like him. after many yrs in the work force in the civil sector.
being immuned to work..going with the flow n expect e unexpected..
just enjoy the moment for now.. wats going to happen will eventually does one day.. cant really immerse myself in a degree of imagination n anticipation.
its e time to enjoy after a yr .
e best solution is nt to tink too much,
its better to accept a flaw then to stressing e change.it puts a strain subconsciously n drives me in this depressive syndronme which puts me off unknowingly whic h only my close pal can sense it although i say nothing at all.
love can make ppl stupid.. i m starting to belive it.
do stupid things n cant tink wisely.
its nt a easy time. for us . i can already c tat its going to b tough yr ahead with a lot of hurdles to cross one by one..understanding a person's character takes time . e inital projected perception can prove so wrong, takes time to accept a certain different trait frm urself.. given tat we came frm diverse background, education, beliefs n values we each hold.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
one yr olderr nonetheless wiser
its been a great gathering with the defunct 1996-1999 4E2 bunch of classmates. with new members added, a lot of laughter, shared memories as we were playing like bunch of kids back in class,some of us has become different roles , mothers , parents.. each chosing our chosen path in our life. A fren of mine was just chatting , after another 10yrs will she be the remaining lot whos unmarried, so called no career advancements. no "achievements" like a sore loser..
a lot depends on individual decision. some might b ready.. or nt . accidentally delibrately change their own style of life stage , some for instance people like me r just nt "ready" for greater responsibilities , it hasnt cross my mind to take a step slower to take care of other people.. to settle down in my career .. n be a humble "woman" in my "own family"
i was advising my fren coz some things happen for some reason, like one of the incident she holds bitterly , that during one of the gathering , she brought her so called" current bf at the time" n tis mutual fren of hers subsequently got a little "close" with her beau at that time, veri open minded gal.. sort of flirting n has a history of bf snatching.tis fren of mine had a phobia of introducing her next bf to subsequent gatherings.if hes nt the rite one, perhaps marriage or advancing further would never be the top of lists.there are different phases in relationships from being 2 diffeent individuals of background, getting to know someone different n beliefs to accepting n gradually planning to live together n sustain the "flame" i supose this is making everyone so cluelesss but yet yearning of the closeness between each other.I also dunnno if this is healthy but i have gradually accepted that hes the cool man, take things slow n easy, i m nt dying to b married off yet, hes not someone who takes things in action but the ones who keep their passion within themselves.introverted type of supressive reflexes.the one close to me hasnt expressed any explicit wishes or even a call. i dunno whether hes playing dumb , hes tired..he simply cant b bothered or theres some hidden surprises installed for me.. i m nt tat petty but sometings tells me a cue. pehaps m i just an ornament or just being together.simply together n nothing more.
maybe hes been working veri hard, veri lazy chap , veri unromantic man. as for the good points, intelletual , open minded, humble ,easygoing ,fillal, cool. in short husband material but nt veri lover orientated.
i give in , i try to b as unaffected , to behave less of a petty woman,to b more open minded, magnanimous .
its weird.. nt a norm .y doesnt he showers me some attention, affection that i m cherished, deeply loved n wanted. to justify hey.. i do have someone.. but i feel tat tis doesnt happen.
its like having to accept something new.. prefering milk to coffee,, u hate drinking milk but its good for health. gradually u seem to forgot coffee does have some adverse effects , n u decide to adopt milk as a fav drink after a period of adjustment n u forgot tat coffee was once ur addiction. i was expecting but didnt received it. a little disappointment
letdown
tis is someone i chosed..
i hope some things might change..
or improve. for the better
a lot depends on individual decision. some might b ready.. or nt . accidentally delibrately change their own style of life stage , some for instance people like me r just nt "ready" for greater responsibilities , it hasnt cross my mind to take a step slower to take care of other people.. to settle down in my career .. n be a humble "woman" in my "own family"
i was advising my fren coz some things happen for some reason, like one of the incident she holds bitterly , that during one of the gathering , she brought her so called" current bf at the time" n tis mutual fren of hers subsequently got a little "close" with her beau at that time, veri open minded gal.. sort of flirting n has a history of bf snatching.tis fren of mine had a phobia of introducing her next bf to subsequent gatherings.if hes nt the rite one, perhaps marriage or advancing further would never be the top of lists.there are different phases in relationships from being 2 diffeent individuals of background, getting to know someone different n beliefs to accepting n gradually planning to live together n sustain the "flame" i supose this is making everyone so cluelesss but yet yearning of the closeness between each other.I also dunnno if this is healthy but i have gradually accepted that hes the cool man, take things slow n easy, i m nt dying to b married off yet, hes not someone who takes things in action but the ones who keep their passion within themselves.introverted type of supressive reflexes.the one close to me hasnt expressed any explicit wishes or even a call. i dunno whether hes playing dumb , hes tired..he simply cant b bothered or theres some hidden surprises installed for me.. i m nt tat petty but sometings tells me a cue. pehaps m i just an ornament or just being together.simply together n nothing more.
maybe hes been working veri hard, veri lazy chap , veri unromantic man. as for the good points, intelletual , open minded, humble ,easygoing ,fillal, cool. in short husband material but nt veri lover orientated.
i give in , i try to b as unaffected , to behave less of a petty woman,to b more open minded, magnanimous .
its weird.. nt a norm .y doesnt he showers me some attention, affection that i m cherished, deeply loved n wanted. to justify hey.. i do have someone.. but i feel tat tis doesnt happen.
its like having to accept something new.. prefering milk to coffee,, u hate drinking milk but its good for health. gradually u seem to forgot coffee does have some adverse effects , n u decide to adopt milk as a fav drink after a period of adjustment n u forgot tat coffee was once ur addiction. i was expecting but didnt received it. a little disappointment
letdown
tis is someone i chosed..
i hope some things might change..
or improve. for the better
Saturday, December 09, 2006
weekend 091206 1113 & 10126 1708
someone has just told me how mercenary i have changed or even calculative.. towards some aspects. well we are living in the world of capitalism & everyting revolves of cost , time & efficiency
i m seeing thingsnow in blury state of mind coz my useless contact lens just broke into pieces n every account i access i let myself stick to the computer screen for fear of quoting the wrong account number..
10126 1708
last nite i received a call frm an old fren whose family was in a state of chaotic repressive mode. his dad was warden in the ICU by a sudden heart stricken ailment.as the eldest son of the family , this escalates his responsibility , definitely not an easy period to tide over. However my level of compassionateness to listen to his crappy style was limited & i was exhausted after sat's work event & date.
hes an hopeless little boy whos adopts the wimpy style to tackle tat sort of gal . bah.. passes my comments
was so playful with JL, becomes addictive with him , being with him,teasing him . i hope the upcoming getaway would b a successful one with my close pals having a little chill in together.the gals out plan seems a little modified after the addition of 2 male particpants .
it feels great being at ease with e ppl u trust n comfortable with.
this year has been fun filled with many new learning experiences in the front line . having known JL was the next best activity in the list having someone by my side to share my rough patches along the path. of couse not forgeting , 2006 also marks the 10th anniversary among my old frens.I owe them a tribute for the continous support they've given me throughout these 10 yrs.
i m seeing thingsnow in blury state of mind coz my useless contact lens just broke into pieces n every account i access i let myself stick to the computer screen for fear of quoting the wrong account number..
10126 1708
last nite i received a call frm an old fren whose family was in a state of chaotic repressive mode. his dad was warden in the ICU by a sudden heart stricken ailment.as the eldest son of the family , this escalates his responsibility , definitely not an easy period to tide over. However my level of compassionateness to listen to his crappy style was limited & i was exhausted after sat's work event & date.
hes an hopeless little boy whos adopts the wimpy style to tackle tat sort of gal . bah.. passes my comments
was so playful with JL, becomes addictive with him , being with him,teasing him . i hope the upcoming getaway would b a successful one with my close pals having a little chill in together.the gals out plan seems a little modified after the addition of 2 male particpants .
it feels great being at ease with e ppl u trust n comfortable with.
this year has been fun filled with many new learning experiences in the front line . having known JL was the next best activity in the list having someone by my side to share my rough patches along the path. of couse not forgeting , 2006 also marks the 10th anniversary among my old frens.I owe them a tribute for the continous support they've given me throughout these 10 yrs.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
its on wed..
OMG... tis is a festive month.. all getting excited coz boss is nt ard all the time to watch over us.. sales in fact has also been rather consistent among the consultants..
its 2pm in the day.. n i only c a lady among the queue zone.. tat brings to y i m blogging at this hour...
in fact i have a paper due this evening to take but i m just nt in the mood to attend the mock exam .. hahahahhahah
its another 10 odd days before my birthday. haiz nt another year older .. i was still pondering last yr whether i will b old n shrivelled on my 30th birthday m still left on the shelf..
thank god i found him.
to calculate it will b another 7 more yrs before i hit e big 3....
time never waits for no one..
my new motto since i embark on the banking industry
alwats thriving n striving the better if not the best ..
my bloody tooth... got to fix tat next fri
now back home comfortably in front of my set listening to hana kimi's sound track the world is quieter n calmer compared to day time .. with the background of crispy dollar notes spinning in the background..
3 precious weeks to enjoy..
then 2007
then got to clear bridging econs before final exam
a veri challenging n busy start of e year until mid yr . then e start of final yr in uni hopefully clear all 4 units
another holiday plan after holidays, looking forward , extra incentive to save up n stock up on cash
its 2pm in the day.. n i only c a lady among the queue zone.. tat brings to y i m blogging at this hour...
in fact i have a paper due this evening to take but i m just nt in the mood to attend the mock exam .. hahahahhahah
its another 10 odd days before my birthday. haiz nt another year older .. i was still pondering last yr whether i will b old n shrivelled on my 30th birthday m still left on the shelf..
thank god i found him.
to calculate it will b another 7 more yrs before i hit e big 3....
time never waits for no one..
my new motto since i embark on the banking industry
alwats thriving n striving the better if not the best ..
my bloody tooth... got to fix tat next fri
now back home comfortably in front of my set listening to hana kimi's sound track the world is quieter n calmer compared to day time .. with the background of crispy dollar notes spinning in the background..
3 precious weeks to enjoy..
then 2007
then got to clear bridging econs before final exam
a veri challenging n busy start of e year until mid yr . then e start of final yr in uni hopefully clear all 4 units
another holiday plan after holidays, looking forward , extra incentive to save up n stock up on cash
Sunday, December 03, 2006
casually leisure sunday
031206 1800hrs
while chatting on the phone with lesbian buddy.. take a break before attempting past yr mock exam papers. this is a good time to practise some essay writing...
the weekend has been a academic retreat preparing the oncoming mock exam for yr 2006, another 3 weeks would b the end of the yr 2006 n the welcoming of 2007 & to march in age of 24 which happens to b my chinese astrological sign.. the boar the cute pig..hahaha
my most fearful unit happens to be financial accounting coz its bloody full of rules n format to adhere to. n i m naturally the careless type so this happens to b my personal killer subject .tonite will definitely b a long one with 2 exam units rite at the corner.. sleeping early n catchingon beauty sleep is out of question here..
my brain's rather stuffed full of ducks n waiing to unload all junk info on mon evening.
another 3 more days before winter break...
waiting....
bdae
celebration
PARTY!!
xmas
while chatting on the phone with lesbian buddy.. take a break before attempting past yr mock exam papers. this is a good time to practise some essay writing...
the weekend has been a academic retreat preparing the oncoming mock exam for yr 2006, another 3 weeks would b the end of the yr 2006 n the welcoming of 2007 & to march in age of 24 which happens to b my chinese astrological sign.. the boar the cute pig..hahaha
my most fearful unit happens to be financial accounting coz its bloody full of rules n format to adhere to. n i m naturally the careless type so this happens to b my personal killer subject .tonite will definitely b a long one with 2 exam units rite at the corner.. sleeping early n catchingon beauty sleep is out of question here..
my brain's rather stuffed full of ducks n waiing to unload all junk info on mon evening.
another 3 more days before winter break...
waiting....
bdae
celebration
PARTY!!
xmas
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
F"""ked up with life sometimes
its been 2 long weeks since i have been decently online or even staying up late on a weeknite.. coz i was so stressed up with work. $$ n sch academic stuff. for the last weekend i spent like 14hrs sleeping on a decent saat nite n spend sun working out accounting which took me like a lot of concentration to focus. a lot of uncertainty n ambigous try to clog my head n my brain starts to malfunction n fall apart . as though some heavy weight crushes on me n forces me to stay still there n hang on to there. e load sometimes suffocates me. last weekend was one of the rarest break with no mini event to spoil my break.
there is a lot of work n reviision to b done.. n i m only @ 20% capacity tis is indeed a worrying sign of "progress" n its making me depressed n less confident tat i wont b able to make it. mock exam is on the first week of dec.. now @ chapter 10 or so.. i have no idea how to solve frm chapter 5 onwards.. after e inital intensive revision.. i realize my own capability.. i need help.... spirtually... pray to the confusius.. as some classmate proposed to boost up the morale ...
hopefully a study group helps. i wont want to be caught dead in the last min craming of information .. tis will cause me to age faster n disintegrate at a rapid rate ...
lately at work is a picture of confusion sometimes with ocassional idiots to try to disrupt ur pace.
high demands , lack of accurate information , have to act wisely in the favourable postion in terms of organisation n personal..
its a fast pace environment .
like today i had an unreasonable request, n tat client is trying to propose someting which cant b done logically.. n its a an art of rejecting someone right on the face.. n yet preserving some dignity in tat person. weekend,, how beautiful but short lived... there r 2 extra reports to b done .. total of 4 to b submitted..
i have to tink of a gift.. its always a pain to shop for gifts . e emotional attachement as well is involved n esp its someone endearing although its a terrible shame tat i dunno wat he truly likes or needs.. so near n yet so far. 4 more days to decide n i settled some of the programs installed. time to zzzz
there is a lot of work n reviision to b done.. n i m only @ 20% capacity tis is indeed a worrying sign of "progress" n its making me depressed n less confident tat i wont b able to make it. mock exam is on the first week of dec.. now @ chapter 10 or so.. i have no idea how to solve frm chapter 5 onwards.. after e inital intensive revision.. i realize my own capability.. i need help.... spirtually... pray to the confusius.. as some classmate proposed to boost up the morale ...
hopefully a study group helps. i wont want to be caught dead in the last min craming of information .. tis will cause me to age faster n disintegrate at a rapid rate ...
lately at work is a picture of confusion sometimes with ocassional idiots to try to disrupt ur pace.
high demands , lack of accurate information , have to act wisely in the favourable postion in terms of organisation n personal..
its a fast pace environment .
like today i had an unreasonable request, n tat client is trying to propose someting which cant b done logically.. n its a an art of rejecting someone right on the face.. n yet preserving some dignity in tat person. weekend,, how beautiful but short lived... there r 2 extra reports to b done .. total of 4 to b submitted..
i have to tink of a gift.. its always a pain to shop for gifts . e emotional attachement as well is involved n esp its someone endearing although its a terrible shame tat i dunno wat he truly likes or needs.. so near n yet so far. 4 more days to decide n i settled some of the programs installed. time to zzzz
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
a long nite out on mon evening
to summarize
attended D & D
after a long day work
received GBB award during office hours
had fun with my colleagues
chill out .. part 2@ clarke quay
with jong n Jon..
diff nationalities .. communication is a slight problem but still can make it
while waiting for my hair to dry.. started to write a little
tml will be another long day as well.
meeting inthe morning
last day of the month..peak operation
rush to sch after i KO
kinda insane lifestyle
nt too many of such nites.. will easily becomewithered n depressed..
better crawl back to bed liao..
attended D & D
after a long day work
received GBB award during office hours
had fun with my colleagues
chill out .. part 2@ clarke quay
with jong n Jon..
diff nationalities .. communication is a slight problem but still can make it
while waiting for my hair to dry.. started to write a little
tml will be another long day as well.
meeting inthe morning
last day of the month..peak operation
rush to sch after i KO
kinda insane lifestyle
nt too many of such nites.. will easily becomewithered n depressed..
better crawl back to bed liao..
Sunday, October 29, 2006
291006 1010
i haven been supressing a lot of my negative emotions.. by motivating myself tat its a small issue. because i dun want to stir tings up n cause too much implications between 2 individuals. until last nite i began to see tings from his perspective n i really wonder why we got together depsite being so different.
i forsee a lot of more difficult days ahead. theres much ambiguity on whether we can last to the test of time. however i have been oso reminding myself that this shouldnt affect my grades. a cooling off period would be good to acess whether i need this person. a lot of tings can change n besides i have my doubts , nt due to mistrust but its different wave lengths some times
wOmen noRmaLly forgEt hOw mUch thRy're wOrtH.. tis is a nick frm a fren. towards men they love. they r usually more lenient n forgiving. maybe i should stop behaving like some love sick idiot n pick myself up that i can fend on my own. n b so damn determined n less soft hearted to wicked men n men who try to smoke their way with me n make me lose my ability to reason.
to b fair , after hearing him out , perhaps its time to take some steps back n slower the pace between us. time to re-evaluate if i can accept a passive but promising person. hes defintely nt the bf material , however he makes a ideal life partner coz of his qualities . some rare type of traits i seldom c in ppl his age. hes intelligent but hes the act blur type, quiet achiever but ambitious.
veri cautious , sensitive but seldom shows his true emotions.determined to achieve his goals.....so much abt tat......2 be updated.
i forsee a lot of more difficult days ahead. theres much ambiguity on whether we can last to the test of time. however i have been oso reminding myself that this shouldnt affect my grades. a cooling off period would be good to acess whether i need this person. a lot of tings can change n besides i have my doubts , nt due to mistrust but its different wave lengths some times
wOmen noRmaLly forgEt hOw mUch thRy're wOrtH.. tis is a nick frm a fren. towards men they love. they r usually more lenient n forgiving. maybe i should stop behaving like some love sick idiot n pick myself up that i can fend on my own. n b so damn determined n less soft hearted to wicked men n men who try to smoke their way with me n make me lose my ability to reason.
to b fair , after hearing him out , perhaps its time to take some steps back n slower the pace between us. time to re-evaluate if i can accept a passive but promising person. hes defintely nt the bf material , however he makes a ideal life partner coz of his qualities . some rare type of traits i seldom c in ppl his age. hes intelligent but hes the act blur type, quiet achiever but ambitious.
veri cautious , sensitive but seldom shows his true emotions.determined to achieve his goals.....so much abt tat......2 be updated.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
letting go of emotional baggages
after thinking thru a few nites i came to a conclusion. perhaps hes nt a lover material after all
instead of waiting , there are much more things i can do
option 1 is to accept for who he is
optioin 2 is the call it quits n break it off
option 3 is to fish for other men while maintaining the relationship half hoping he might change
option 4 is the nt commonly used method is to known as mutiple dating.. which is rather hurting to the another party
some consider it a " backup" plan just in case if plan A fails , we still have plan B, C, Nth
i will never take the initative ever.
feels cheap
demoralising
if hes nt the issue, perhaps i m the one whos nt attractive. good enough
by far, i have considered a few interviews frm my peers n the results i gather so far is that how can someone literally dump u in one corner. no time for anyting...
like some ragged doll
after some time . u convince urself that its just the way it is n its nt going to improve
have i been nt understanding towards him ?
i believed i have practised my utmost patience , for being taken for granted n if this is to be continuing this way. i dunno how to motivate myself to continue in this manner . is there any meaning or value-add in comparison to being by my own
i rather take his intepretation that even with or without someone by his side is secondary.
veri xian ..... what is being expected of him is so bloody minimum.. however out of 100% , i receive like 0.01. this is detrimental between us. yet there is no intiative or any solutions.
he rarely shares n i seldom ask too much
there is a lot of unspoken communication going on..
i m disappointed. shattered by someone. probabby he doesnt even cares.. so b it... shouldnt take long to discover if that other person is someone u wanna spend e rest of ur life with.
i just hang on n if i m still unhappy with someone , then just settle my immiseration then
instead of waiting , there are much more things i can do
option 1 is to accept for who he is
optioin 2 is the call it quits n break it off
option 3 is to fish for other men while maintaining the relationship half hoping he might change
option 4 is the nt commonly used method is to known as mutiple dating.. which is rather hurting to the another party
some consider it a " backup" plan just in case if plan A fails , we still have plan B, C, Nth
i will never take the initative ever.
feels cheap
demoralising
if hes nt the issue, perhaps i m the one whos nt attractive. good enough
by far, i have considered a few interviews frm my peers n the results i gather so far is that how can someone literally dump u in one corner. no time for anyting...
like some ragged doll
after some time . u convince urself that its just the way it is n its nt going to improve
have i been nt understanding towards him ?
i believed i have practised my utmost patience , for being taken for granted n if this is to be continuing this way. i dunno how to motivate myself to continue in this manner . is there any meaning or value-add in comparison to being by my own
i rather take his intepretation that even with or without someone by his side is secondary.
veri xian ..... what is being expected of him is so bloody minimum.. however out of 100% , i receive like 0.01. this is detrimental between us. yet there is no intiative or any solutions.
he rarely shares n i seldom ask too much
there is a lot of unspoken communication going on..
i m disappointed. shattered by someone. probabby he doesnt even cares.. so b it... shouldnt take long to discover if that other person is someone u wanna spend e rest of ur life with.
i just hang on n if i m still unhappy with someone , then just settle my immiseration then
Friday, October 27, 2006
a visit by TK
visit by tow kay.. veri unnatural feeling that suddenly e morale is suddenly surged to a pt..
being lowered as to e same type of uniformity.
well... so much of being neglected ....
maybe i m with r wrong guy again.. how depressing..
being lowered as to e same type of uniformity.
well... so much of being neglected ....
maybe i m with r wrong guy again.. how depressing..
Thursday, October 26, 2006
pondering....
had a nice chill out with my pals... over dinner n coffee..
there r probbabbly a dozen questions i 've thinking
does e problem lies with me, or m i just being too insecure of myself or him .
r we suited , is tat e kind of man i m seeking? some long term partner ideally
do i pose as a nuisance sometimes , attention seeking ? no i m not,, just sharing some recent updates instead of living each day on our own separate lives .. separately like as though we were not attached in the first place.. emotionally detached should b the term.. i m talking to air.. smsing to invisible.. there r no comments. no response. i should save all my comments to myself ?
strangely i m nt upset this time but rather i m considering is this e kind of attitude i should be receiving from someone i know or perhaps i shouldnt b even reacting or self responding?
i m e lame one here.. or i shouldnt be doing such tings?
perhaps there r a milion things i dun understand abt him n the only link i can group here is academics.. n besides that , character similarities is probabbly another factor that we can click, however the lack of communication does pose as a hindrance.
clearly there is some common ground that there is a need to focus on personal goals.. that should b the way but somehow it feels strange. y is it like this. its so alienated , its like e only term in my head, is there someting wrong but i cant pin point whats e error.
besides it should be lovey dovey , but its nt.
m i a leech, m i demanding. m i childish. m i on the wrong track. m i happy. should i b happy with such an outcome like that .
r we supposed to b together ?
is tat a wrong time to get involved?
is that a reason for that sort of behavior, is there any solution for such a problem.
how can i improve on such a situation, is there a better way out there ?
should i just relax n let tings go on it own course.
can i leave tings as it is now n expect it to roll on its own
is there a mis match between 2 unique individuals that cause certain irreconcilable differences , opinions , values , understanding, unintended consequences , the questions linger in my head , & i decided not to pursue further because this is nt veri healthy. it cause unnecessary strain in the process. n having heard of the little domestic episodes , there was a consensus , there will alwaysbe conflict.. its inevitable n there r certain measures to contain it. n a lot depends on the individual whether it can be resolved , 2 sides of a issue on the controversy. it can make or break an individual .
e maturity of this person accounts for the own actions n the impact on the people around this "self"..based by the terms of morals , intelligence . attitudes n behavior... i read abt this smart person at the papers ,, using his gifted intellectual intelligence to commit crimes, fraud. using it inappropriately which in turns results in deviancy n "punishment " towards such unaccepted mistake. tis tarnish his "record" which could b veri well promising. e wrong path n its the end.
hes a tough case to crack.
i should mind my own business afterall
its not worth e effort anyway. or issit false consciousness , that i m blinded to some imperfections. or maybe there s no explanation at all.
i done all i could.
e rest is ...........................................................
2351hrs 261006
there r probbabbly a dozen questions i 've thinking
does e problem lies with me, or m i just being too insecure of myself or him .
r we suited , is tat e kind of man i m seeking? some long term partner ideally
do i pose as a nuisance sometimes , attention seeking ? no i m not,, just sharing some recent updates instead of living each day on our own separate lives .. separately like as though we were not attached in the first place.. emotionally detached should b the term.. i m talking to air.. smsing to invisible.. there r no comments. no response. i should save all my comments to myself ?
strangely i m nt upset this time but rather i m considering is this e kind of attitude i should be receiving from someone i know or perhaps i shouldnt b even reacting or self responding?
i m e lame one here.. or i shouldnt be doing such tings?
perhaps there r a milion things i dun understand abt him n the only link i can group here is academics.. n besides that , character similarities is probabbly another factor that we can click, however the lack of communication does pose as a hindrance.
clearly there is some common ground that there is a need to focus on personal goals.. that should b the way but somehow it feels strange. y is it like this. its so alienated , its like e only term in my head, is there someting wrong but i cant pin point whats e error.
besides it should be lovey dovey , but its nt.
m i a leech, m i demanding. m i childish. m i on the wrong track. m i happy. should i b happy with such an outcome like that .
r we supposed to b together ?
is tat a wrong time to get involved?
is that a reason for that sort of behavior, is there any solution for such a problem.
how can i improve on such a situation, is there a better way out there ?
should i just relax n let tings go on it own course.
can i leave tings as it is now n expect it to roll on its own
is there a mis match between 2 unique individuals that cause certain irreconcilable differences , opinions , values , understanding, unintended consequences , the questions linger in my head , & i decided not to pursue further because this is nt veri healthy. it cause unnecessary strain in the process. n having heard of the little domestic episodes , there was a consensus , there will alwaysbe conflict.. its inevitable n there r certain measures to contain it. n a lot depends on the individual whether it can be resolved , 2 sides of a issue on the controversy. it can make or break an individual .
e maturity of this person accounts for the own actions n the impact on the people around this "self"..based by the terms of morals , intelligence . attitudes n behavior... i read abt this smart person at the papers ,, using his gifted intellectual intelligence to commit crimes, fraud. using it inappropriately which in turns results in deviancy n "punishment " towards such unaccepted mistake. tis tarnish his "record" which could b veri well promising. e wrong path n its the end.
hes a tough case to crack.
i should mind my own business afterall
its not worth e effort anyway. or issit false consciousness , that i m blinded to some imperfections. or maybe there s no explanation at all.
i done all i could.
e rest is ...........................................................
2351hrs 261006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
gloomy evening.. 1829 251006
just trim my hair.. had a gd dinner aka ipoh hor fun @ orchid's
my hair looks good hehehe
waiting for a ex colleague to KO aat the mean time
weather outside is really cooling... ^_^
my hair looks good hehehe
waiting for a ex colleague to KO aat the mean time
weather outside is really cooling... ^_^
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
PH hari raya 1128hrs 241006
waking up fresh in the morning.. best.. especially on a PH
n today is the anniversay of me being a driver.. after today i can no longer display tat P plate again.. hahaha
tis will b a short entry shortly i will resume my readings.. on phenemology n ethnography. epistemology n otocology.. so much abt tat.. it can make someone go mad... wild reading too much of those stuff so much abt y peoply go mad, homosexuality, how to do reseaarch on tat. valididate on those findings n staff welfare.. HRm.. marketing...
another 2 more yrs i m as free as a bird.. worrying abt other tings like career n marriage , n tats wat i m working towards ultimately set up a family of my own. someting which i was deprived frm since young. i cant learn how to b a parent first until i become 1.. but i will read up lotsa to fulfil beiong a child's fren.. hahaha
how i envy those mates of mine sustaining those relationship of theirs... 7 yrs n still going strong.. was browsing thru their pics ..
my Nth bf.... haizzzzz...... OK! shall try my best to b happy in this relationship even it doesnt work out in the end..there is jsut nt much time for regrets if i have already made my choice.. just had to brave strongly ahead n take steps to improvise on it..
241006 2231
just came frm another family dinner @ sk.. was discussing some domestic issues..
watching ting's wedding video clip,my stupid bro turn ard n ask me.?
ah ling ah , wheres ur turn ? but the first ting u got to do is to go for a crash diet first.
dunno who is the poor guy out there ...hahaha..
the little gal in the family... hasnt really grow up nt phsyically but in a mental state of self. i dun tink i m ready yet to be detached frm the cosy background..
perhaps i dun need to b showered with a lot repsonsibilities.. i like my present moment.. can do last min travelling.. just take leave n pack my bag n off i go with my frens..
kinda carefree.. sleep thru morning.. wait 2 b served.. always desserts.. ready cut fruits arranged nicely after dinner.. jan n may will just settle tings in the kitchen
after having a family , the usual indulgences cannot be fulfiled as easily as when u were a little gal,, got to b more accomodating n patient towards a new extended family.
n today is the anniversay of me being a driver.. after today i can no longer display tat P plate again.. hahaha
tis will b a short entry shortly i will resume my readings.. on phenemology n ethnography. epistemology n otocology.. so much abt tat.. it can make someone go mad... wild reading too much of those stuff so much abt y peoply go mad, homosexuality, how to do reseaarch on tat. valididate on those findings n staff welfare.. HRm.. marketing...
another 2 more yrs i m as free as a bird.. worrying abt other tings like career n marriage , n tats wat i m working towards ultimately set up a family of my own. someting which i was deprived frm since young. i cant learn how to b a parent first until i become 1.. but i will read up lotsa to fulfil beiong a child's fren.. hahaha
how i envy those mates of mine sustaining those relationship of theirs... 7 yrs n still going strong.. was browsing thru their pics ..
my Nth bf.... haizzzzz...... OK! shall try my best to b happy in this relationship even it doesnt work out in the end..there is jsut nt much time for regrets if i have already made my choice.. just had to brave strongly ahead n take steps to improvise on it..
241006 2231
just came frm another family dinner @ sk.. was discussing some domestic issues..
watching ting's wedding video clip,my stupid bro turn ard n ask me.?
ah ling ah , wheres ur turn ? but the first ting u got to do is to go for a crash diet first.
dunno who is the poor guy out there ...hahaha..
the little gal in the family... hasnt really grow up nt phsyically but in a mental state of self. i dun tink i m ready yet to be detached frm the cosy background..
perhaps i dun need to b showered with a lot repsonsibilities.. i like my present moment.. can do last min travelling.. just take leave n pack my bag n off i go with my frens..
kinda carefree.. sleep thru morning.. wait 2 b served.. always desserts.. ready cut fruits arranged nicely after dinner.. jan n may will just settle tings in the kitchen
after having a family , the usual indulgences cannot be fulfiled as easily as when u were a little gal,, got to b more accomodating n patient towards a new extended family.
Monday, October 23, 2006
=_=
its a mon.. while trying to wait for a china customer to put down his cell phone.. i m trying my best nt to leave my seat n go toilet... haizz hes been on the phone for almost 15min..
buay tahan man.....
he stinks n he speaks in such a foul manner.. foreman.. no choice,,
HELP HELP!! my bladder 's gonna burst soon...
it must b due to tat extra big pack of chow mien.. n milk tea...
another long day before PH is approaching , damn man i m so tempted to skip class for this evening.. mon nite n a holiday eve...
SHIT !! tis bloody china man hasnt settle his work matters.. i can feel shit coming my way... but i cant show it openly.. so repressive towards a stomache..
now almost 30 mins.... haizzz
i m sitting cross legged as i can now..
finally.... a heave of relief....
buay tahan man.....
he stinks n he speaks in such a foul manner.. foreman.. no choice,,
HELP HELP!! my bladder 's gonna burst soon...
it must b due to tat extra big pack of chow mien.. n milk tea...
another long day before PH is approaching , damn man i m so tempted to skip class for this evening.. mon nite n a holiday eve...
SHIT !! tis bloody china man hasnt settle his work matters.. i can feel shit coming my way... but i cant show it openly.. so repressive towards a stomache..
now almost 30 mins.... haizzz
i m sitting cross legged as i can now..
finally.... a heave of relief....
Sunday, October 22, 2006
SUPER SUNDAY
1106 221006 hazy
白色的风筝
安静的纯真
真实的感觉
梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水
复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着握住
我的手梦希望没有尽头我们走到这就好因为我不想太快
走完这幸福很可惜没有祝福但爱你并不孤独不会再让你哭
我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么反正不会松手
我陪你走到最后能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手晚一点再到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间
谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远
白色的风筝安静的
纯真真实的感觉
梦境般遥远甜甜的海水复杂的眼泪看你傻笑着握住我的手很可惜没有祝福但爱你并不孤独不会再让你哭我陪你走到最后能不能不要回头你紧紧地抱住我说你不需要承诺你说我若一个人会比较自由我不懂你说什么反正不会松手我陪你走到最后能不能别想太多会不会手牵着手晚一点再到尽头你说不该再相见只为了瞬间谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远...............
while listening to his hit.. its another reflective mode once again using hunter's com..
List of things done over deepavali
had a nice rest.. which indicates not sleeping beyond 12 n waking up early in the morning ard 6-7.30am
good chill out session with e gals
wonderful hospitablity with xinyi's family, good food. aircon at e living rm while singing KTV
family bonding time with ah pa n bro 3, jan.. as well as baby xavier..
ok soon to be done.. go over mo's lecture slides n read text book.
its really healthy.. to sleep early n wake up early i had breakfast ard 9 .. but e rooster aka xavier is a live alram clock started brawling ard 0630 hrs.. OMG... i woke up first at 0555 to pee... seldom wake up so early just to eat.. n drive to eat katong laksa .. e branded 328 opp roxy square.. nwow .. the lady boss really blow me off.. red hot chilly hair n body.. voluptous n cuvy for a lady her age. n her laska is incredible in the end had to park 5374 at petrol station to drop bomb.. as they mention e family blood runs in deep.. both my bro n i .. hahahaha
i begin to realize e life of homemakers n all the mothers.. conscientously waking up early to do mrketig n the preparatioon proces is just to tedious to mention.. although i m a disaster in the kitchen .. i still find zann's mother busy preparing food n more food just for us.. n for the family
n oso in the middle of e nite.. i c bro3 preparing mik for prince xavier.. how parenthood is.. call it miserable or rewarding . works both ways
i couldnt really focus on the road as well.. eyes half closed hahahahaah.. enjoy my remaining years before i become a full time working mother.. another role in my stage of life after career development. i hope he can wait till then..
he was asking me one nite.. if there would b a chance when we shop together for grocery n furniture .. i hope i can c tat happen in the near future.. Looking forward to tat day . theres tis saying..every gal hopes tat she will be the last one fo him n for the guy the first for his case.
every phase is different , bring different challenges to meet .
be it in career , family or relationship with ur significant other .
a lot to learn from the seniors on how they manage their lovely home
long way way way to go... baby its YOU.. YES its you...! time to revise.... for sun,, SUPER SUNDAY!
(=^_^=)
221006 1615
just driving 5374 back home , we had a family episode between the man n wife.. e $ issue of overdraft n unwise financial planning ..e habit of overdraft n the conflict.. e wife is in distress n leads to a soap opera.. tears... during the car ride . i had no choice but to keep my mouth shut n my eyes on the road.. no comments when 2 ppl r in an argument...
a woman's greatest tool towards men is their tears.. indeed one of my client shared this theory to me ... men r afraid of water.. yes its women's tears , it does melt their hearts n soften their antagonism between 2 individuals.
i hope i wont have to use it on anyone. i hate being vulnerable towards anyone. tis just puts me in an unfavourable position. to b happily married with ur significant half is the best ting that can happen for any gal , however when this little gal is detached from her family tree.. then she got to stand on her own n solve issues together with her new family
its true tat $ is the root of all evil if used unwisely for the wrong purposes as it can make or break a person, family. during my stay in the banking industry, there are just too manyexamples to cite from the misuse of personal funds.
its quite scary to tink tat someone dear to u is nt behaving normally n sinks to abyss of debts n more debts or negative savings. i spent almost all my time advising ppl on e methods of wealth accumulation n ironically i belong the group of ppl who also find myself in cashflow problems sometimes tempted to get a relief on cash advance n credit lines.. ehehehe
but if the mismanagment can lead to a snow ball effect altogether n chain effect n tis strains the relationship between the spouse , n ppl related . one of such example is my pal who is always in dire straits but refuse to improve her lifestyle n continues to indulge in certain lifestyles she sticks adherely to it.. who knows when she will "grow ou " of her habit n grow up
白色的风筝
安静的纯真
真实的感觉
梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水
复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着握住
我的手梦希望没有尽头我们走到这就好因为我不想太快
走完这幸福很可惜没有祝福但爱你并不孤独不会再让你哭
我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么反正不会松手
我陪你走到最后能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手晚一点再到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间
谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远
白色的风筝安静的
纯真真实的感觉
梦境般遥远甜甜的海水复杂的眼泪看你傻笑着握住我的手很可惜没有祝福但爱你并不孤独不会再让你哭我陪你走到最后能不能不要回头你紧紧地抱住我说你不需要承诺你说我若一个人会比较自由我不懂你说什么反正不会松手我陪你走到最后能不能别想太多会不会手牵着手晚一点再到尽头你说不该再相见只为了瞬间谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远...............
while listening to his hit.. its another reflective mode once again using hunter's com..
List of things done over deepavali
had a nice rest.. which indicates not sleeping beyond 12 n waking up early in the morning ard 6-7.30am
good chill out session with e gals
wonderful hospitablity with xinyi's family, good food. aircon at e living rm while singing KTV
family bonding time with ah pa n bro 3, jan.. as well as baby xavier..
ok soon to be done.. go over mo's lecture slides n read text book.
its really healthy.. to sleep early n wake up early i had breakfast ard 9 .. but e rooster aka xavier is a live alram clock started brawling ard 0630 hrs.. OMG... i woke up first at 0555 to pee... seldom wake up so early just to eat.. n drive to eat katong laksa .. e branded 328 opp roxy square.. nwow .. the lady boss really blow me off.. red hot chilly hair n body.. voluptous n cuvy for a lady her age. n her laska is incredible in the end had to park 5374 at petrol station to drop bomb.. as they mention e family blood runs in deep.. both my bro n i .. hahahaha
i begin to realize e life of homemakers n all the mothers.. conscientously waking up early to do mrketig n the preparatioon proces is just to tedious to mention.. although i m a disaster in the kitchen .. i still find zann's mother busy preparing food n more food just for us.. n for the family
n oso in the middle of e nite.. i c bro3 preparing mik for prince xavier.. how parenthood is.. call it miserable or rewarding . works both ways
i couldnt really focus on the road as well.. eyes half closed hahahahaah.. enjoy my remaining years before i become a full time working mother.. another role in my stage of life after career development. i hope he can wait till then..
he was asking me one nite.. if there would b a chance when we shop together for grocery n furniture .. i hope i can c tat happen in the near future.. Looking forward to tat day . theres tis saying..every gal hopes tat she will be the last one fo him n for the guy the first for his case.
every phase is different , bring different challenges to meet .
be it in career , family or relationship with ur significant other .
a lot to learn from the seniors on how they manage their lovely home
long way way way to go... baby its YOU.. YES its you...! time to revise.... for sun,, SUPER SUNDAY!
(=^_^=)
221006 1615
just driving 5374 back home , we had a family episode between the man n wife.. e $ issue of overdraft n unwise financial planning ..e habit of overdraft n the conflict.. e wife is in distress n leads to a soap opera.. tears... during the car ride . i had no choice but to keep my mouth shut n my eyes on the road.. no comments when 2 ppl r in an argument...
a woman's greatest tool towards men is their tears.. indeed one of my client shared this theory to me ... men r afraid of water.. yes its women's tears , it does melt their hearts n soften their antagonism between 2 individuals.
i hope i wont have to use it on anyone. i hate being vulnerable towards anyone. tis just puts me in an unfavourable position. to b happily married with ur significant half is the best ting that can happen for any gal , however when this little gal is detached from her family tree.. then she got to stand on her own n solve issues together with her new family
its true tat $ is the root of all evil if used unwisely for the wrong purposes as it can make or break a person, family. during my stay in the banking industry, there are just too manyexamples to cite from the misuse of personal funds.
its quite scary to tink tat someone dear to u is nt behaving normally n sinks to abyss of debts n more debts or negative savings. i spent almost all my time advising ppl on e methods of wealth accumulation n ironically i belong the group of ppl who also find myself in cashflow problems sometimes tempted to get a relief on cash advance n credit lines.. ehehehe
but if the mismanagment can lead to a snow ball effect altogether n chain effect n tis strains the relationship between the spouse , n ppl related . one of such example is my pal who is always in dire straits but refuse to improve her lifestyle n continues to indulge in certain lifestyles she sticks adherely to it.. who knows when she will "grow ou " of her habit n grow up
Friday, October 20, 2006
never underestimate the power of team effort n women !!!
never underestimate the power of teamwork.. we have combined our efforts to safe guard our base.. n to our surprise! we have a big deal today.... n tat was so comforting to justify our efforts as a team. top br in e east cluster ..HAHA out goes the " shark"
shark has been rather consistent. being top among the cluster.. shes has a reputation for nt selling ethically n to the disadvantaged
we got to prove to the rest without a rosy base n environement we still can sell ethically n b top branch as well with those "so called " lousy leads...
i knocked off early today.. just thinking abt last nite is good enough to make me last till the longweekend.. but e trip back was rather scary.. last train.. among the last to leave e cabin.
i had a most enjoyable evening although i m suffering the side effects ..struggling to get out of bed tis morning ,hugging someone u love is never enough..
it can make u forget about time.
being noti sometimes discreetly helps u to relive stress sometimes.
cozu r nt caught!
but then again he smells nice... hehehehehehehehehh
e capacity of a young lady's imagination is bounderless n limitless.. pretty wild.. hahaha
it helps to occupy my "deprived soul " clear my thoughts..
OMG.... wat m i tinking man!!! i hope he doesnt get to read this...
looking forwaard to the following holidays.. public holidays... ILOVEU !!
i never wanna let go of u ever ... JLSY ^_^
1917hrs 201006
shark has been rather consistent. being top among the cluster.. shes has a reputation for nt selling ethically n to the disadvantaged
we got to prove to the rest without a rosy base n environement we still can sell ethically n b top branch as well with those "so called " lousy leads...
i knocked off early today.. just thinking abt last nite is good enough to make me last till the longweekend.. but e trip back was rather scary.. last train.. among the last to leave e cabin.
i had a most enjoyable evening although i m suffering the side effects ..struggling to get out of bed tis morning ,hugging someone u love is never enough..
it can make u forget about time.
being noti sometimes discreetly helps u to relive stress sometimes.
cozu r nt caught!
but then again he smells nice... hehehehehehehehehh
e capacity of a young lady's imagination is bounderless n limitless.. pretty wild.. hahaha
it helps to occupy my "deprived soul " clear my thoughts..
OMG.... wat m i tinking man!!! i hope he doesnt get to read this...
looking forwaard to the following holidays.. public holidays... ILOVEU !!
i never wanna let go of u ever ... JLSY ^_^
1917hrs 201006
housekeeping... coz some big shot is visiting
recently tbere has been some rumours of restructuring of the organisation , n this indeed brings much distress in the environment..
come later this afternoon i m expecting a overseas guest... who will b inspecting our premises, to give a evaulation to the top management.. i spent the last of the evening trying to collect all the " toys" frm my various colleagues trying to hide some where first in a " box".
there comes the issue of the acting boss n the new boss.. both are in different scope of work n has conflicting issues towards sales n service.. now now we as subordinates are caught between 2 types of management style which in my position is nt good..
come later this afternoon i m expecting a overseas guest... who will b inspecting our premises, to give a evaulation to the top management.. i spent the last of the evening trying to collect all the " toys" frm my various colleagues trying to hide some where first in a " box".
there comes the issue of the acting boss n the new boss.. both are in different scope of work n has conflicting issues towards sales n service.. now now we as subordinates are caught between 2 types of management style which in my position is nt good..
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
y .. y .. y 181006 2322
y is he so mean
y is he so sensitive
y is he so unloving
y m i so agitated
y do i keep rejecting the rest
y m i so forgiving towards him
y do i always give him privilege
y do i put myself in such deep shit with such a man
y m i so infuriated with such nonsense esp at the end of longn tired day
y is it tat i cant get what i want
what is want is really simple...
y cant he get my pt.. F****
ENOUGH!
LXH IS ANOTHER DARN FOOL... FOOLISHLY PREGNANT AT THE WRONG TIME.. FINE ITS NONE OF MY FREAKING BUSINESS AS WELL...
3 months in conceived n we as frens in the dark, r we frens in the 1st place as well..
fine.. fine fine...
who cares!
i gonna have fun.. party!!!
i shall slim down n have alternatives..
actually e heart is a veri fragile organ.. it feels pain.. it does...
disppointment , despair, disheartened, desperate..
n its so disheartening.. i 've placed him above e rest..
how should i continue like this ...
COOL IT BABE>> u got like tons of essay to write ,, n its nt worth over such a man like him..
sometimes i have a urgent impulse to smack him..
ANGRY!ARGGGGHHHHHHH
its ok ! i can deal with it watching it on my own. its nt tat i cant afford it .. PISSED OFF , SICKENING BYATCH !
y is he so sensitive
y is he so unloving
y m i so agitated
y do i keep rejecting the rest
y m i so forgiving towards him
y do i always give him privilege
y do i put myself in such deep shit with such a man
y m i so infuriated with such nonsense esp at the end of longn tired day
y is it tat i cant get what i want
what is want is really simple...
y cant he get my pt.. F****
ENOUGH!
LXH IS ANOTHER DARN FOOL... FOOLISHLY PREGNANT AT THE WRONG TIME.. FINE ITS NONE OF MY FREAKING BUSINESS AS WELL...
3 months in conceived n we as frens in the dark, r we frens in the 1st place as well..
fine.. fine fine...
who cares!
i gonna have fun.. party!!!
i shall slim down n have alternatives..
actually e heart is a veri fragile organ.. it feels pain.. it does...
disppointment , despair, disheartened, desperate..
n its so disheartening.. i 've placed him above e rest..
how should i continue like this ...
COOL IT BABE>> u got like tons of essay to write ,, n its nt worth over such a man like him..
sometimes i have a urgent impulse to smack him..
ANGRY!ARGGGGHHHHHHH
its ok ! i can deal with it watching it on my own. its nt tat i cant afford it .. PISSED OFF , SICKENING BYATCH !
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
awakened n revitalised
life is nt just romance.. its but a cherry on the icing ..
but without it , individuals get stronger & fight fiercely on their own just like the primitive times.
i come to a understanding.. we dun live for the moment n its all about choices n elimination, if this candidate fails to meet e requirements. out he goes.. eliminated just like talent quests..
working in the branch never fails to amaze.. its always dynamic n ever changing fast paced environment facing daily challenges , demanding clients n new ambiguous issues to b solved.
it has improved my personal well being as i face the different facets of background n diverse culturals of different nationalities.
so much of whining,, it doesnt problem solve effectively.. even without a fort. a ship can eventually embark on a journey on its own n anchor eventually on a port or an island or continue to wander on the strange lands.
time to wake up , no more dreaming,, fight for sales n market share.. bid for the best perfomer in the cluster.. get more $$ , retire earlier n get a good man,, someone really superb who cares,, genuinely..
but without it , individuals get stronger & fight fiercely on their own just like the primitive times.
i come to a understanding.. we dun live for the moment n its all about choices n elimination, if this candidate fails to meet e requirements. out he goes.. eliminated just like talent quests..
working in the branch never fails to amaze.. its always dynamic n ever changing fast paced environment facing daily challenges , demanding clients n new ambiguous issues to b solved.
it has improved my personal well being as i face the different facets of background n diverse culturals of different nationalities.
so much of whining,, it doesnt problem solve effectively.. even without a fort. a ship can eventually embark on a journey on its own n anchor eventually on a port or an island or continue to wander on the strange lands.
time to wake up , no more dreaming,, fight for sales n market share.. bid for the best perfomer in the cluster.. get more $$ , retire earlier n get a good man,, someone really superb who cares,, genuinely..
totally bogged up 161006 2351
lesson was as usual... exceptionally boring..
while relaxing .. listening to e classic love songs from class 95 , there was this topic of
" how to get anyone to open up"
start with a connection,, stay with stay topics of where to get good food... where u had dinner last nite..
latest news in the line...
go with e flow
e first kiss should always end in the tingle in the air.. wat a tag line frm one of the audience
with tat ended alicia keyes 's aint i got u..
there r many ways n methods to cheer up
or even motivate urself to b happy..
i tried a few.. n it works
try buying someting u wanted so much n u got it..
having lots of $ probabbly helps.. n spending it.. retail therapy
go for a nice hair cut n trim away all ur worries
getting a nice sweat @ e threadmill...
having a long relaxing swim
being with ur pets
hugging someone u love
getting a substitute when someone u love is n/a,,, ie ur bolster.. ur "precious"
bitching with ur best buddies n gal frens
going on a diet n slimming down to e perfect dress tat u always wanted..
eating a whole tub of icecream while trying ur best nt to get depressive
watching a whole lot of lame shows n sad movies.. contrasting effects helps
coopinh urself in bed thinkingtat u r e most fortunate person on earth
having a nice long cry.. helps to regain back ur sanity..
laugh it out !!
a bit of yoga boosts ur concentration.
this week has been my most trying week.. had double my dosage of kopi.. trying my best to stay fresh during office hours... e haze is just making everyone more difficult.. my eyes r dry.. i blink n blink.. stay indoors more.. eat in a small room everyday.. now e lunch crowd scares me off to a corner.. i feel abnormal lunching in subnormal hours.
my old fren.. ting is getting married today.. i couldnt attend her wedding but i feel really happy for her .. envy her oso for being so simple n contented .. her husband looks great, comes frm a family of lawyers n accountants.. another which is oso getting hitched e second time on 3/11/06...
some tings cannot be changed.. neither can it be improved .. its either to accept it or to reject it.. its a theory which people tend to overlook. there is a saying that love can make a person blind to her/ his weakness.. but dun love blindly..
i 've been doing a lot of self reflecting these few days.. probabbly theres isnt any equality after all..
my heart sinks.. to a pit .. burried n fixed there . it gets stagnent n eventually forgotten .. but who cares .. its just a vicious cycle.. but its nt important.. nothing else matters .
proabbly after a month or so.. i pick myself up again frm where i left.. its nt tat tough.. if i get determined enough ..
oh man ! i get so poetic tonite n e earlier phrase sounds like a poem..OMG
tat could b e result of reading so much content , internalising e knowlege n having to write like some crappy essay to prove tat u know ur nuts..
i been reading stuff like y peoply commit suicide.. who is more prone to killing themselves.. how to do research on such sensitive issues n wats e best method.. n the adv n disadv n collecting such date n to comment on the criticism on certain methods.. all these isdriving me nuts soon..
wats more dry.. hr,,, its another even more dry unit.. o n my left side of my study table lies a stack of texts. abt 10-20cm ht... another corner lies e stack of files n case study to go thru every nite.. i m so sick of flippinh thru.. full of notes n highlighted stuff,, its already 3rd hand at least. i might suffer frm color blindness after 2 yrs reading such crappy tings
my brain.. overworked.. plagues by sales figures by day n cramped by a lot of readings at nite.. its extreme.. i find it torturing..
theres no one in e house to share my woes.. i m used to it oso.. rather peaceful. no disruptions.. i know i should b thankful at least i have e energy to slog on... although the conditions might nt b as rosy as compared in the past no need to struggle every morning n wonder y i only have 24hrs in a day n nt more than tat. y i have lesser hr to sleep compared to e rest..
comparison can never b a good bench mark oso . it just makes u more imbalanced than inital state of the mind.. so many has did it n completed their studies with good results.. n I CAN BE one of e statistic as well.. it will prove tat i m a more efficient student hahaha in a more exhausting manner tats all..hopefully when i re read this entry in yr 2008 aug.. i m already preparing for convocation... i better b.....
another 3 more chapters before i can call it a day... cheers.. sam,............
before =_=
after =^__^=
1254hrs
while relaxing .. listening to e classic love songs from class 95 , there was this topic of
" how to get anyone to open up"
start with a connection,, stay with stay topics of where to get good food... where u had dinner last nite..
latest news in the line...
go with e flow
e first kiss should always end in the tingle in the air.. wat a tag line frm one of the audience
with tat ended alicia keyes 's aint i got u..
there r many ways n methods to cheer up
or even motivate urself to b happy..
i tried a few.. n it works
try buying someting u wanted so much n u got it..
having lots of $ probabbly helps.. n spending it.. retail therapy
go for a nice hair cut n trim away all ur worries
getting a nice sweat @ e threadmill...
having a long relaxing swim
being with ur pets
hugging someone u love
getting a substitute when someone u love is n/a,,, ie ur bolster.. ur "precious"
bitching with ur best buddies n gal frens
going on a diet n slimming down to e perfect dress tat u always wanted..
eating a whole tub of icecream while trying ur best nt to get depressive
watching a whole lot of lame shows n sad movies.. contrasting effects helps
coopinh urself in bed thinkingtat u r e most fortunate person on earth
having a nice long cry.. helps to regain back ur sanity..
laugh it out !!
a bit of yoga boosts ur concentration.
this week has been my most trying week.. had double my dosage of kopi.. trying my best to stay fresh during office hours... e haze is just making everyone more difficult.. my eyes r dry.. i blink n blink.. stay indoors more.. eat in a small room everyday.. now e lunch crowd scares me off to a corner.. i feel abnormal lunching in subnormal hours.
my old fren.. ting is getting married today.. i couldnt attend her wedding but i feel really happy for her .. envy her oso for being so simple n contented .. her husband looks great, comes frm a family of lawyers n accountants.. another which is oso getting hitched e second time on 3/11/06...
some tings cannot be changed.. neither can it be improved .. its either to accept it or to reject it.. its a theory which people tend to overlook. there is a saying that love can make a person blind to her/ his weakness.. but dun love blindly..
i 've been doing a lot of self reflecting these few days.. probabbly theres isnt any equality after all..
my heart sinks.. to a pit .. burried n fixed there . it gets stagnent n eventually forgotten .. but who cares .. its just a vicious cycle.. but its nt important.. nothing else matters .
proabbly after a month or so.. i pick myself up again frm where i left.. its nt tat tough.. if i get determined enough ..
oh man ! i get so poetic tonite n e earlier phrase sounds like a poem..OMG
tat could b e result of reading so much content , internalising e knowlege n having to write like some crappy essay to prove tat u know ur nuts..
i been reading stuff like y peoply commit suicide.. who is more prone to killing themselves.. how to do research on such sensitive issues n wats e best method.. n the adv n disadv n collecting such date n to comment on the criticism on certain methods.. all these isdriving me nuts soon..
wats more dry.. hr,,, its another even more dry unit.. o n my left side of my study table lies a stack of texts. abt 10-20cm ht... another corner lies e stack of files n case study to go thru every nite.. i m so sick of flippinh thru.. full of notes n highlighted stuff,, its already 3rd hand at least. i might suffer frm color blindness after 2 yrs reading such crappy tings
my brain.. overworked.. plagues by sales figures by day n cramped by a lot of readings at nite.. its extreme.. i find it torturing..
theres no one in e house to share my woes.. i m used to it oso.. rather peaceful. no disruptions.. i know i should b thankful at least i have e energy to slog on... although the conditions might nt b as rosy as compared in the past no need to struggle every morning n wonder y i only have 24hrs in a day n nt more than tat. y i have lesser hr to sleep compared to e rest..
comparison can never b a good bench mark oso . it just makes u more imbalanced than inital state of the mind.. so many has did it n completed their studies with good results.. n I CAN BE one of e statistic as well.. it will prove tat i m a more efficient student hahaha in a more exhausting manner tats all..hopefully when i re read this entry in yr 2008 aug.. i m already preparing for convocation... i better b.....
another 3 more chapters before i can call it a day... cheers.. sam,............
before =_=
after =^__^=
1254hrs
Monday, October 16, 2006
still as hazey as it is// 1258 hrs 161006
e UOL building in front of me still looks as hazey as ever
blogging while my colleague is having lunch
crowd seems pretty ok.
seems like e weather is affecting retailing business as well.. n the bank operates like a retail shop sometimes execept tat it deals with financial products
blogging while my colleague is having lunch
crowd seems pretty ok.
seems like e weather is affecting retailing business as well.. n the bank operates like a retail shop sometimes execept tat it deals with financial products
Sunday, October 15, 2006
1010 151006
its been a good gathering with the elders..
u realized tat u r grown up while ur seniors have aged.. e kids who were babies r now running wild in the garden
my sister in law, may has a huge extended family , out or personal obligation had to help her sister fix a place for her wedding.. back then shes only 19 , i know her when i was 15. now shes 27 n getting married in 2 days time..
its a overwhelming effect when e house is packed with people with nice aroma , smell of food n bbq smoke , e ambience is totally warming.
while driving , my bro discussed the stages of relationship n the art of keeping it alive n oso e passion with ur partner.. its like a long path frm knowing to understanding , planning n sustaining.. certainly takes 2 to make all this work.
somehow.. i tink i have done too much.. it seems tat even without me he can cope pretty well so i should just steer clear .. m i attracting attention.. seriously i dun tink i m... love is never fair .. some party has to give in more or accomodate more.. if tats e case , i rather nt put in tat effort.. an effort tats nt reciprocated .. rather insulting... maybe we r too different... should jsut leave him alone ... since he can cope so well ... y should i bother with another person whos nt interested , it would b a complete waste of my effort n time . i shouldnt stoop myself tat low.. after a while if tat person continues tis way persistently.. sometinf is wrong...its just nt the way to behave like tis.. any other gal would have reacted e same...
fine......
enough is enough.
i give up..
if hes nt worth the effort, trash it...
tell myself i can b a heartless bitch myself who couldnt care less of wats going on except on myself...
tats wat i m going to do..
n i trust myself i definitely can be one
sick of being some transparent element
tired of taking the lead
disappointed with some outcomes
just let it b..
arrange for more work
switch off my handphone sometimes
make myself incontactable
since i m taken so lightly.. it so mad n its just nt polite to ignore or nt return calls.
y should i make myself so conveniently located
KNN.. its so bloodly unfair..
i keep quiet. i m tying to c how he behaves .. but i m disappointed sometimes... i dun mention it. tat doesnt mean i m fine..
taken for granted.... everyting changes
do i look like someone who will be easily manipulated.. no way... !!!
since he has stired up the fire n made me so mad ...
lets play e waiting game man...
u realized tat u r grown up while ur seniors have aged.. e kids who were babies r now running wild in the garden
my sister in law, may has a huge extended family , out or personal obligation had to help her sister fix a place for her wedding.. back then shes only 19 , i know her when i was 15. now shes 27 n getting married in 2 days time..
its a overwhelming effect when e house is packed with people with nice aroma , smell of food n bbq smoke , e ambience is totally warming.
while driving , my bro discussed the stages of relationship n the art of keeping it alive n oso e passion with ur partner.. its like a long path frm knowing to understanding , planning n sustaining.. certainly takes 2 to make all this work.
somehow.. i tink i have done too much.. it seems tat even without me he can cope pretty well so i should just steer clear .. m i attracting attention.. seriously i dun tink i m... love is never fair .. some party has to give in more or accomodate more.. if tats e case , i rather nt put in tat effort.. an effort tats nt reciprocated .. rather insulting... maybe we r too different... should jsut leave him alone ... since he can cope so well ... y should i bother with another person whos nt interested , it would b a complete waste of my effort n time . i shouldnt stoop myself tat low.. after a while if tat person continues tis way persistently.. sometinf is wrong...its just nt the way to behave like tis.. any other gal would have reacted e same...
fine......
enough is enough.
i give up..
if hes nt worth the effort, trash it...
tell myself i can b a heartless bitch myself who couldnt care less of wats going on except on myself...
tats wat i m going to do..
n i trust myself i definitely can be one
sick of being some transparent element
tired of taking the lead
disappointed with some outcomes
just let it b..
arrange for more work
switch off my handphone sometimes
make myself incontactable
since i m taken so lightly.. it so mad n its just nt polite to ignore or nt return calls.
y should i make myself so conveniently located
KNN.. its so bloodly unfair..
i keep quiet. i m tying to c how he behaves .. but i m disappointed sometimes... i dun mention it. tat doesnt mean i m fine..
taken for granted.... everyting changes
do i look like someone who will be easily manipulated.. no way... !!!
since he has stired up the fire n made me so mad ...
lets play e waiting game man...
E beautiful tings u hold tightly with u
http://health.msn.com/centers/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100100328
1016am 151006
there is just too much to mention namely the beautiful things.
ur lovely parents.. perhaps ur beloved ones or even ur significant half...we dun have to mention names.,. they r deeply engraved in our memories. my mum is someone i dun want to forget..
its been a gd 12 yrs without her, some of e happy memories r still fresh in my head.. even as long as i was 7. Being the only princess of the house, ur mum is just one extraordinary person who would spend time dolling u up. whipping nice dishes in the kitchen which in my case.. it was opposite.
mum was always on the move.. i would remember her flipping thru her appointment book. rushing to appointments n reminding me to be independent & to behave while i take care of myself in the house by myself.she was always so full of energy ,so bubbly n motivated to b a homemaker n a terrific sales person. i would end up my mum's PA sometimes answering her callls.. so my sales flair begins when i was just a kid..
there were some words i remember her telling me..
be good t o your father if i cant take care of u someday..
b a strong person n stand up on ur own..
always believe in yourself n dun depend on other ppl..
i recall being so clingy to her like a koala bearin bed.. always bugging her to wake up to make desserts n cookies n refusing to give her her shoes to get out of the house for her appointments.hahaha i was such a little gal then..
unti lthen i didnt realize how much effort she put in to pull the family together... but i always end up that my dad didnt understand up & cause much conflicts n tension. proabbly coz she didnt have the concentration, her dishes sometimes turn up funny or even weird to a certain extent.. my bro would just reject those dishes coz it tasted so horrendous.. probabbly u remember 2 extreme tings.. e most wonderful food u taste n e worst. my dad was e worst.. he just dump everyting in the garbarge.. its rubbish to him..
thats when suddenly those food disappear n its replaced by my dad who turns out to b a worse chef than mum.. we end up playing scissors paper stone to decide who gets to finish up the "worse dish" if nt my dad will blow up coz his culinary efforts is not recognised n appreciated.There were times of my dark periods when i had my fights with my dad ended up slaming both our doors n back to our room..periods of missing tis endearing person who would b on ur side.tat i would describe ..it was much regret that she cant c me now... all grown up n we could have gone for a spa or shopping together.. everyting on me.. going on tour with her..there were so many tings i wished i could share with her.. in stead of complaining to her whenever i visit her in mt vernon. it feels incomplete sometimes , some insecurity when u were jsut a kid.. u pin all ur hopes on ur parents to find it all dashed... now back to present.. as age catches our fights diminishes like the economics law of marginal utility/ although there s still some endless nagging frm him. Its been a long way now. viv did mention to me now tat u survive on ur own for those last odd 10 over years.. so when my relationship was on e rocks, she reassurred me everytime will b fine ...
my first breakup when i was 19
e yr 1994
n tat was like e most bitter chapter of my life moments of anguish n hatred n repulsiveness i choose nt to relive it although some flashes of memories just appear ... it doent affects me now . nt anymore..
i woke up today pondering over my conversation with him last nite.. do i really belong to the senseless dumb category whos easily unfluenced.. dee p down i dun tink i m... i tink i m more selective in certain areas ...
i seldom recluse myself. although i will sometimes..
naturally now i would avoid the crowd .. i have spent e last amost 22hrs in my little cubicle at home..
later i got to have a social gathering coz theres a family bbq nite i got to arrange to check in at that bungalow.
until then so much of my endless stories n melancholic entry on a bright sunday morning...
there is a lot to explore. many possibilities.. but it can only be fulfiled n realized if you choose to make it happen.
1016am 151006
there is just too much to mention namely the beautiful things.
ur lovely parents.. perhaps ur beloved ones or even ur significant half...we dun have to mention names.,. they r deeply engraved in our memories. my mum is someone i dun want to forget..
its been a gd 12 yrs without her, some of e happy memories r still fresh in my head.. even as long as i was 7. Being the only princess of the house, ur mum is just one extraordinary person who would spend time dolling u up. whipping nice dishes in the kitchen which in my case.. it was opposite.
mum was always on the move.. i would remember her flipping thru her appointment book. rushing to appointments n reminding me to be independent & to behave while i take care of myself in the house by myself.she was always so full of energy ,so bubbly n motivated to b a homemaker n a terrific sales person. i would end up my mum's PA sometimes answering her callls.. so my sales flair begins when i was just a kid..
there were some words i remember her telling me..
be good t o your father if i cant take care of u someday..
b a strong person n stand up on ur own..
always believe in yourself n dun depend on other ppl..
i recall being so clingy to her like a koala bearin bed.. always bugging her to wake up to make desserts n cookies n refusing to give her her shoes to get out of the house for her appointments.hahaha i was such a little gal then..
unti lthen i didnt realize how much effort she put in to pull the family together... but i always end up that my dad didnt understand up & cause much conflicts n tension. proabbly coz she didnt have the concentration, her dishes sometimes turn up funny or even weird to a certain extent.. my bro would just reject those dishes coz it tasted so horrendous.. probabbly u remember 2 extreme tings.. e most wonderful food u taste n e worst. my dad was e worst.. he just dump everyting in the garbarge.. its rubbish to him..
thats when suddenly those food disappear n its replaced by my dad who turns out to b a worse chef than mum.. we end up playing scissors paper stone to decide who gets to finish up the "worse dish" if nt my dad will blow up coz his culinary efforts is not recognised n appreciated.There were times of my dark periods when i had my fights with my dad ended up slaming both our doors n back to our room..periods of missing tis endearing person who would b on ur side.tat i would describe ..it was much regret that she cant c me now... all grown up n we could have gone for a spa or shopping together.. everyting on me.. going on tour with her..there were so many tings i wished i could share with her.. in stead of complaining to her whenever i visit her in mt vernon. it feels incomplete sometimes , some insecurity when u were jsut a kid.. u pin all ur hopes on ur parents to find it all dashed... now back to present.. as age catches our fights diminishes like the economics law of marginal utility/ although there s still some endless nagging frm him. Its been a long way now. viv did mention to me now tat u survive on ur own for those last odd 10 over years.. so when my relationship was on e rocks, she reassurred me everytime will b fine ...
my first breakup when i was 19
e yr 1994
n tat was like e most bitter chapter of my life moments of anguish n hatred n repulsiveness i choose nt to relive it although some flashes of memories just appear ... it doent affects me now . nt anymore..
i woke up today pondering over my conversation with him last nite.. do i really belong to the senseless dumb category whos easily unfluenced.. dee p down i dun tink i m... i tink i m more selective in certain areas ...
i seldom recluse myself. although i will sometimes..
naturally now i would avoid the crowd .. i have spent e last amost 22hrs in my little cubicle at home..
later i got to have a social gathering coz theres a family bbq nite i got to arrange to check in at that bungalow.
until then so much of my endless stories n melancholic entry on a bright sunday morning...
there is a lot to explore. many possibilities.. but it can only be fulfiled n realized if you choose to make it happen.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
pleasant weekday on my off day
with loud music blasting @ my ears n e breeze frm the fan... everyting looks pretty fine on a peaceful wed in spite of my colleague calling me @ 10.30 am in the morning.
is a drive n passion that drives u to perform n exceed ur own potential.. n tis is driving me... each day i wake up ..
y we work so hard ..
darling.....u r my source of inspiration... n i never want to lose u.
is a drive n passion that drives u to perform n exceed ur own potential.. n tis is driving me... each day i wake up ..
y we work so hard ..
darling.....u r my source of inspiration... n i never want to lose u.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Tues morning @ 1.07am
As other frens has described, "he" is indeed a "nice guy"' who has strong morals ... kind, patient, & understanding person .I do appreciate the little acts from him, n our brief blissful moments while trying to find time togetherUnfortuately to all the gals out there ,hes been taken up.. So far theres not much complaints about tis wonderful beau.If there was anyting that was lacking would be time, however this is no longer an issue becoz love transcends time & we both got a common understanding to work tings out n we have faith in each other.We have both embarked on a new journey together n tis is only the begining. Nevertheless, we will still continue to strive for our goals n achieve happines together..loving you alwayssam ^_^
as mentioned above tis was a testimonial i wrote for him..
I have dated otther people out there.. but e vibes tat he sent is certainly different frm the rest this time.
i reckon there is a switch of roles sometimes between the man n the gal friend.. e classic new age sensitive guy whos ever so thoughtful towards his gal.. tat is truly a blessing.. n all gd tings have got to b waited on.. harvested ....
this is the far most relaxed relationship i m in now without having to inflict external or added stress on each other.. n continues to progress each n every day
PFG or plaster fat guy has been one of the " nicest" boss who takes good cares of his subordinates ,,, no doubt hes result orientated , he has imparted some of the most important skills to me in the team... we seem to synchronise work more smoothly now as times goes by .. the performance has also improved as compared to other teams in the cluster..
i have 2 weekends to rest n start my long awaited revison n tutorial preparation ....
it will b another 1 month or so before i c him.. n shortly another round of separation.. its gonna b hard but its part n parcel.. in order to appreciate the warmth of the sun., sometimes one has to experience long periods of pitch darkness in order to understand better the extreme of the latter n treasure tings which we always take for granted for.. like those people who would get behind to lend us a hand when we are lost or troubled console us when we are terribly down n depressed..to be always supportive , behind us n catch us when we fall , bring us happiness when we least expect it.. my baby... yeah u r the one for me... how would i have been if i never met u again..
=)
0126hrs
101006
as mentioned above tis was a testimonial i wrote for him..
I have dated otther people out there.. but e vibes tat he sent is certainly different frm the rest this time.
i reckon there is a switch of roles sometimes between the man n the gal friend.. e classic new age sensitive guy whos ever so thoughtful towards his gal.. tat is truly a blessing.. n all gd tings have got to b waited on.. harvested ....
this is the far most relaxed relationship i m in now without having to inflict external or added stress on each other.. n continues to progress each n every day
PFG or plaster fat guy has been one of the " nicest" boss who takes good cares of his subordinates ,,, no doubt hes result orientated , he has imparted some of the most important skills to me in the team... we seem to synchronise work more smoothly now as times goes by .. the performance has also improved as compared to other teams in the cluster..
i have 2 weekends to rest n start my long awaited revison n tutorial preparation ....
it will b another 1 month or so before i c him.. n shortly another round of separation.. its gonna b hard but its part n parcel.. in order to appreciate the warmth of the sun., sometimes one has to experience long periods of pitch darkness in order to understand better the extreme of the latter n treasure tings which we always take for granted for.. like those people who would get behind to lend us a hand when we are lost or troubled console us when we are terribly down n depressed..to be always supportive , behind us n catch us when we fall , bring us happiness when we least expect it.. my baby... yeah u r the one for me... how would i have been if i never met u again..
=)
0126hrs
101006
Saturday, October 07, 2006
chill out nite after hazel nut latte
well .. tis could b the caffeine acting up.. it happens after i gulp down during the possible sleeping hours of the timing.. n after tiramisu . its double e effect ...
although we didnt manage to c the moon.. being out with the gals is the next best ting to me.. i treasure the bonding with my gals.. as age catches up , commitment seems to pile up so frienship doesnt end there.
i wonder if all of us r married , would we fulfil the idea of shopping with style with our prams n kids.. its like such a long way ahead.
i m hitting like the big 25 in 2 yrs time. another 7 yrs to 30...
havea lot in mind. but lack the discpline to fulfile .. e habit of procastinating just doesnt seems to b good
although we didnt manage to c the moon.. being out with the gals is the next best ting to me.. i treasure the bonding with my gals.. as age catches up , commitment seems to pile up so frienship doesnt end there.
i wonder if all of us r married , would we fulfil the idea of shopping with style with our prams n kids.. its like such a long way ahead.
i m hitting like the big 25 in 2 yrs time. another 7 yrs to 30...
havea lot in mind. but lack the discpline to fulfile .. e habit of procastinating just doesnt seems to b good
Friday, October 06, 2006
e eve of mooncake festival
its nice to have someone by ur side gazing at the stars.. counting ur blessings even on a dull weeknite..
it has been a peaceful n romantic fulfiling evening to b able to b with him..quietly in a nice setting ..
thats totally relaxing to put ur mind at ease n enjoy the lovely breeze n appreciate nature.
away frm the urbanised culture or even entertaining strangers during the course of work.
e next phase is like an exploring stage whereby we will uncover certain traits of each other n hopfully to solve issues n work tings out together..
using ur temper .. losing ur cool doesnt help.. it makes tings worse off . if we could pull ourselves together n rationalise . perhaps the picture would b simpler. however we are after all humans.
another 2 months to 2007 . its been a gd 2 months with him n many consecutive 2 months together
it has been a peaceful n romantic fulfiling evening to b able to b with him..quietly in a nice setting ..
thats totally relaxing to put ur mind at ease n enjoy the lovely breeze n appreciate nature.
away frm the urbanised culture or even entertaining strangers during the course of work.
e next phase is like an exploring stage whereby we will uncover certain traits of each other n hopfully to solve issues n work tings out together..
using ur temper .. losing ur cool doesnt help.. it makes tings worse off . if we could pull ourselves together n rationalise . perhaps the picture would b simpler. however we are after all humans.
another 2 months to 2007 . its been a gd 2 months with him n many consecutive 2 months together
Sunday, October 01, 2006
a series of wrong turns
its tough being a driver. someone who knows the route well ,, plans the journey , unfortunately i do not belong to e former..
behind the wheel .. i m sometimes in a ball of mess , fumbling with the various driving tools ...a good sense of direction just does not fall under my characteristic traits... its a pain to b stranded out of no where in pitch darkenss trying to figure out which is the correct path back home. just as i hate to check on maps n the little green friendly sign board.. i was faced with another issue... panic button hit...runing out of petrol n fishing out a petrol station out of somwhere .. out of my 22 years of human existance.. i managed to get the right petrol n randomly took the most correct intutive route back my sweet little home.. n here i am now.. nicely showered n calmed down .. with a nt so helpful navigator aka my daddy its simply even more difficult to cordinate with his instructions ,which some i dun even understand what blab he was trying to explain.. nevertheless after some series of wrong turns.. we still got it.... yeah......
after being so hopelessly dependently on my lovely brother for being the family driver, i do miss his presence although he does scream at me for mis- using his car.. at least hes got skills that i ought to learn from..
after driving the whole day , i m losing it.. e battery didnt work , e alram just rattle on.. really had a hard time stoping it n solving wats with that little gadget.. to imagine driving alone in some ulu parts of the island really scares me.. wat if i m stranded with no phone or public transport.. oh man... i gonnna b in deep trouble .....worse still if i m robbed ,, penniless
i broke in cold sweat esp oso at the same time with 2 young kids behind me, jumpingn screaming , a naggy old man by my side... cant rationalise properly , e sense of responsibiliy to deliver safely becomes a major block in my mind.. n half e time i was half praying my sweaty palms wont act on me again.. it was so slippery n so tense ..i half wish i hasnt got in as a driver in the 1st place..
thank god its is only one of the rare sundays i m obliged to be despatch...
behind the wheel .. i m sometimes in a ball of mess , fumbling with the various driving tools ...a good sense of direction just does not fall under my characteristic traits... its a pain to b stranded out of no where in pitch darkenss trying to figure out which is the correct path back home. just as i hate to check on maps n the little green friendly sign board.. i was faced with another issue... panic button hit...runing out of petrol n fishing out a petrol station out of somwhere .. out of my 22 years of human existance.. i managed to get the right petrol n randomly took the most correct intutive route back my sweet little home.. n here i am now.. nicely showered n calmed down .. with a nt so helpful navigator aka my daddy its simply even more difficult to cordinate with his instructions ,which some i dun even understand what blab he was trying to explain.. nevertheless after some series of wrong turns.. we still got it.... yeah......
after being so hopelessly dependently on my lovely brother for being the family driver, i do miss his presence although he does scream at me for mis- using his car.. at least hes got skills that i ought to learn from..
after driving the whole day , i m losing it.. e battery didnt work , e alram just rattle on.. really had a hard time stoping it n solving wats with that little gadget.. to imagine driving alone in some ulu parts of the island really scares me.. wat if i m stranded with no phone or public transport.. oh man... i gonnna b in deep trouble .....worse still if i m robbed ,, penniless
i broke in cold sweat esp oso at the same time with 2 young kids behind me, jumpingn screaming , a naggy old man by my side... cant rationalise properly , e sense of responsibiliy to deliver safely becomes a major block in my mind.. n half e time i was half praying my sweaty palms wont act on me again.. it was so slippery n so tense ..i half wish i hasnt got in as a driver in the 1st place..
thank god its is only one of the rare sundays i m obliged to be despatch...
euphoric saturday nite
its a lot to digest.. for tonite.. really feel high .. top of e skies n a sense of euphoria floods me..
could b e milk tea tat i had for supper which affects my sleeping cycle.. just veri alert during the wee hours of the nite.. at 0507am... on sun morning.. tis is insane...
could b other tings i have in mind reliving it... ehehehe :p
level 1 to level 2 with him..
certain tings just happen erratically without any signs or symptoms.. it does happen.
apparently i m kinda in a state of shock n denial .. .hahaha
YEs its true.. it is.. accept it... yeah i tink i have to..
it has been a long day after a day's work checking thru past records. preparing for the next check due in a few months time.. to me its been rather ambigous as towards him... i always belive certain things happen for a good reason which is y i have managed to grab hold of sanity.. being pragmatic as well as maintaining a cheerful, optimistic outlook.
would wish to pull through the most crucial years of myself n progress on to the next phase... really looking forward to another exciting phase. slow n steady.. gettting there reaching the next rest stop before embarking to another stop..
someting interesting
http://www.cyberparent.com/love/love-being-in-love-1.htm
e effect of caffeine has started to wear off... all rite time to head for some decent rest before sun depreciates fast... . another 24-26 hrs to mon morning... 0525hrs 01/10/06
could b e milk tea tat i had for supper which affects my sleeping cycle.. just veri alert during the wee hours of the nite.. at 0507am... on sun morning.. tis is insane...
could b other tings i have in mind reliving it... ehehehe :p
level 1 to level 2 with him..
certain tings just happen erratically without any signs or symptoms.. it does happen.
apparently i m kinda in a state of shock n denial .. .hahaha
YEs its true.. it is.. accept it... yeah i tink i have to..
it has been a long day after a day's work checking thru past records. preparing for the next check due in a few months time.. to me its been rather ambigous as towards him... i always belive certain things happen for a good reason which is y i have managed to grab hold of sanity.. being pragmatic as well as maintaining a cheerful, optimistic outlook.
would wish to pull through the most crucial years of myself n progress on to the next phase... really looking forward to another exciting phase. slow n steady.. gettting there reaching the next rest stop before embarking to another stop..
someting interesting
http://www.cyberparent.com/love/love-being-in-love-1.htm
e effect of caffeine has started to wear off... all rite time to head for some decent rest before sun depreciates fast... . another 24-26 hrs to mon morning... 0525hrs 01/10/06
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
beautiful tuesday .. clean room n dust free
just finished interpretating his assigmment....
brain dead..
however was quite good as i restart my brain power to absorb new information
a fewtings after tis blog..
read thru my study guide..
revise sociolgy frm pat's class..
hit the sack by latest 3am..
mop e floor , cleared my gabbage. nice n clean
kinda "proud " of my little achievement..
felt more ready to take up little challenges n small steps each day to improvise on myself..
manage to apologise to my superior whos so obessively organised n gradually geting positively influenced by tis huge .. " rugby player guy "
which turns out to b a good ting.. n oso abt ..es p particularly pertaining to cleanliness.
long nite to go.. babe....
brain dead..
however was quite good as i restart my brain power to absorb new information
a fewtings after tis blog..
read thru my study guide..
revise sociolgy frm pat's class..
hit the sack by latest 3am..
mop e floor , cleared my gabbage. nice n clean
kinda "proud " of my little achievement..
felt more ready to take up little challenges n small steps each day to improvise on myself..
manage to apologise to my superior whos so obessively organised n gradually geting positively influenced by tis huge .. " rugby player guy "
which turns out to b a good ting.. n oso abt ..es p particularly pertaining to cleanliness.
long nite to go.. babe....
Sunday, September 24, 2006
fruitful sunday
its been really fruitful today having the company of my fellow classmates in our focused study group.. revising each on our own n ocassionally asking constructive questions , yesterday was like my recuperating day n i missed , forgone a hip hop performance to attend a family dinner. as usual sat nite was spent on the study table.. soaking in knowledge preparing for mock exam.
begining to get the hang out of it .. endless readings n references .. manage to create some interest in accounting.
so here m i now.. feeling a little sense of achievement tat i finally pluck up.. reduce my " nuaism" to attempt the past yr exam questions at least for tutorial 1.. not a bad start .
last nite he came over especially to find me.. a mere 3 hr but i guess it was ingratiating..esp when there was some occasionables showers in the middle of the nite facing the peaceful river infront of us.although i dunno y whats hindering him frm going further, but i reckon this is a sign of respect for me .although i do harbour some " evil intention" towards him.. its kinda cute seeing him blush hehehe..tis indeed proves tat hes a rookie ...
my classmates have been discussing if we should fly over to london to attend our graduation ..n at the same time spend a little holiday there as a form of reward for our hard work n effort to attaining our well awaited external degree.
he surely has great determination n discipline by nt answering calls ... surely he has been deeply engrossed himself to excel n put in great effort to achieve his kind of desired grades for his assignments.
nevertheless . i should also adopt such learning attitude , n been more critical of my own studying environment n habits.. to start packing on my notes after revisioion n start some mini planning on the allocation of time to better preparation in my weaker units.
there r so many chapters but in order to make tings more effective , n smart studying its better to start early than to cramp everyting last min, my brain is just so saturated cramming all the information n knowlege. i feel drained although its a sunday
after some chat with joe , it seems tat my endless chatter is giving him some form of stress as well.. hahaha i never really quite understand y his behavior is so devoid of all emotions , tat s due to hes too bogged down with assignments, n his pace is far more fast as i thought, i should b more understanding tat its nt easy to consistenly produce scoring assignments with the interruptions of full time work as well as fatigue sets in . it becomes a challenge of nt sucumbing to sleep, being a part time student myself , i tink i knew it well oso but yet i was so damn irrational n childish.. oh man... time to wake up liao.. almost a educated promising young lady , n i still commit such level .. ahhhhhhhhhh... so paiseh
so today's considered fruitful afterall... i gained a better insight of my man n how much he cares for me as well ... tis type of feeling is good enough knowing tat someone is there for me but e only factor seems to b the lack of time n some form of decent communication that hes willing to fork out.. n to me, my initiative has to capped of a certain level so that i wont appear as pushy or childish.. however what lacks behind is his little mystery as to why of his resistance sometimes .. or hes just too reserved for certain reasons tat i have to find out myself. sometimes its good to understand a person not just at face value & nt to jump in bed with him without understanding if he should be right one to be with. or having more intimate moments with this special significant other . nontheless i do find that hes of similar characteristic traits ,nt all but predominantly like easy going n forgiving seems to b the "click" , the mere difference is that hes more cool n i belong to e hot n quick tempered category.
there must b a tip as to how he can hold his gentlemaness.. or perhaps there is a dark side of him which has nt been explored.
its rather unfair that i impose certain demands on this chap or any promises that i cannot fulfil it myself at this stage.
love can make someone insane, or even lose their ability to reason & i believe tis is wat happens to me..
so i have to cope , n behave logically in order to stay focused in this run ... e run with joe n my studies
family do play a important role , seeing those kids do bring a smile to me n a simple homecooked dinner is far more tasty than the famous food out there. there is a element of bonding n kinship involved . just to commit some time n at least once in a week to catch up is definitely condusive . really amazed the tings kids blurt out , really funny sometimes .. my neice n nephew made me relive the days back in primary school
by telling me e story of 3 little pigs.. huff n puff .. e big bad wolf n the chinmey ...
i m glad my knot has been loosened , its better to c tings from a more objective pt of view. brings less worries.. n finally i can close my epsiode of my grouchiness n b normal again.. yeahhh.. a good way to close this week..
begining to get the hang out of it .. endless readings n references .. manage to create some interest in accounting.
so here m i now.. feeling a little sense of achievement tat i finally pluck up.. reduce my " nuaism" to attempt the past yr exam questions at least for tutorial 1.. not a bad start .
last nite he came over especially to find me.. a mere 3 hr but i guess it was ingratiating..esp when there was some occasionables showers in the middle of the nite facing the peaceful river infront of us.although i dunno y whats hindering him frm going further, but i reckon this is a sign of respect for me .although i do harbour some " evil intention" towards him.. its kinda cute seeing him blush hehehe..tis indeed proves tat hes a rookie ...
my classmates have been discussing if we should fly over to london to attend our graduation ..n at the same time spend a little holiday there as a form of reward for our hard work n effort to attaining our well awaited external degree.
he surely has great determination n discipline by nt answering calls ... surely he has been deeply engrossed himself to excel n put in great effort to achieve his kind of desired grades for his assignments.
nevertheless . i should also adopt such learning attitude , n been more critical of my own studying environment n habits.. to start packing on my notes after revisioion n start some mini planning on the allocation of time to better preparation in my weaker units.
there r so many chapters but in order to make tings more effective , n smart studying its better to start early than to cramp everyting last min, my brain is just so saturated cramming all the information n knowlege. i feel drained although its a sunday
after some chat with joe , it seems tat my endless chatter is giving him some form of stress as well.. hahaha i never really quite understand y his behavior is so devoid of all emotions , tat s due to hes too bogged down with assignments, n his pace is far more fast as i thought, i should b more understanding tat its nt easy to consistenly produce scoring assignments with the interruptions of full time work as well as fatigue sets in . it becomes a challenge of nt sucumbing to sleep, being a part time student myself , i tink i knew it well oso but yet i was so damn irrational n childish.. oh man... time to wake up liao.. almost a educated promising young lady , n i still commit such level .. ahhhhhhhhhh... so paiseh
so today's considered fruitful afterall... i gained a better insight of my man n how much he cares for me as well ... tis type of feeling is good enough knowing tat someone is there for me but e only factor seems to b the lack of time n some form of decent communication that hes willing to fork out.. n to me, my initiative has to capped of a certain level so that i wont appear as pushy or childish.. however what lacks behind is his little mystery as to why of his resistance sometimes .. or hes just too reserved for certain reasons tat i have to find out myself. sometimes its good to understand a person not just at face value & nt to jump in bed with him without understanding if he should be right one to be with. or having more intimate moments with this special significant other . nontheless i do find that hes of similar characteristic traits ,nt all but predominantly like easy going n forgiving seems to b the "click" , the mere difference is that hes more cool n i belong to e hot n quick tempered category.
there must b a tip as to how he can hold his gentlemaness.. or perhaps there is a dark side of him which has nt been explored.
its rather unfair that i impose certain demands on this chap or any promises that i cannot fulfil it myself at this stage.
love can make someone insane, or even lose their ability to reason & i believe tis is wat happens to me..
so i have to cope , n behave logically in order to stay focused in this run ... e run with joe n my studies
family do play a important role , seeing those kids do bring a smile to me n a simple homecooked dinner is far more tasty than the famous food out there. there is a element of bonding n kinship involved . just to commit some time n at least once in a week to catch up is definitely condusive . really amazed the tings kids blurt out , really funny sometimes .. my neice n nephew made me relive the days back in primary school
by telling me e story of 3 little pigs.. huff n puff .. e big bad wolf n the chinmey ...
i m glad my knot has been loosened , its better to c tings from a more objective pt of view. brings less worries.. n finally i can close my epsiode of my grouchiness n b normal again.. yeahhh.. a good way to close this week..
Saturday, September 23, 2006
lovely weeknd ahead
my weekend has arrived, has a fantastic nite last nitemy frens ...drinking... nice...
i 've gonna really enjoy.....
other tings nt important if hes nt available , then i would enjoy on my own with other alternatives
my feet is aching.. my throat feels hoarse.. i need a nice recuperaing nap to recover...
i 've gonna really enjoy.....
other tings nt important if hes nt available , then i would enjoy on my own with other alternatives
my feet is aching.. my throat feels hoarse.. i need a nice recuperaing nap to recover...
Friday, September 22, 2006
cool....
i havent make a mistake.. such stupid blunder @ work.. tis is e final straw , oh man.. i hate myself for behaving like tis .. it reflects badly on myself oso if i have to forgone certain ppl . i make i have to do it..
or else it just going to corrode me soon...
i hate being bitter
i hate being invisible
i hate to act childish
i want to b the same sam again.
i m just letting loose of my own emotions at work its totally insane..
i should just treat him like dirt as well n let him have a taste of his own medicine
notice how many I's i type its 11 in total tis shows how egoisitic n selfish i can b... i cant stand it !!!!!
still waiting for a colleague to finish her presentation n march to lunch.. its another 6 more hrs to go before my weekend.. oh my lovely weekend !!!!
or else it just going to corrode me soon...
i hate being bitter
i hate being invisible
i hate to act childish
i want to b the same sam again.
i m just letting loose of my own emotions at work its totally insane..
i should just treat him like dirt as well n let him have a taste of his own medicine
notice how many I's i type its 11 in total tis shows how egoisitic n selfish i can b... i cant stand it !!!!!
still waiting for a colleague to finish her presentation n march to lunch.. its another 6 more hrs to go before my weekend.. oh my lovely weekend !!!!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
irrational behavior
i m doing this in the midst of my working hours.. i seriously need to detoxify to digress some of my negative behavior.. that e fact is i m behaving irrationally , abnormally.. feeling bitter not to b appreciated by him, that it is just a little game perhaps to him.. it feels terrible n its a pain.. but yet this is like a phase for me..
some days i begin to wonder if i m attached or just " attached" as a term. i seriously have to evaluate again if this is again goint to affect me emotionally...
most of my entreis posted r usually pleasant musings or even anticipating ones .. but now everyting's nt the same ... i m taken for granted..
well now i m back home comfortably at my study table back again since hes nt available got to "complain" again..if this doesnt bother me. then i would b lying...
probabbly lesbian buddy is rite... its just a matter of time if two people can click n last to the test of time, if it wasnt meant to b.. it will nt last long either.
there r a lot of false deception which i cant seem to decipher , tis irritates me to a certain extent tat i cant do anyting abt it either but use time to get seasoned.
probabbly when e ppl who have no time try to make some time .. tis happens.. errors happen
i will b a independent gal who can stand on her own
i wont let such minor stuff get in my way
time to get some control of myself
a rational sam,
a logical sam
someone who can take control of her emotions
less emotional n more serious work
cool n calm..
resilient n resolute
some days i begin to wonder if i m attached or just " attached" as a term. i seriously have to evaluate again if this is again goint to affect me emotionally...
most of my entreis posted r usually pleasant musings or even anticipating ones .. but now everyting's nt the same ... i m taken for granted..
well now i m back home comfortably at my study table back again since hes nt available got to "complain" again..if this doesnt bother me. then i would b lying...
probabbly lesbian buddy is rite... its just a matter of time if two people can click n last to the test of time, if it wasnt meant to b.. it will nt last long either.
there r a lot of false deception which i cant seem to decipher , tis irritates me to a certain extent tat i cant do anyting abt it either but use time to get seasoned.
probabbly when e ppl who have no time try to make some time .. tis happens.. errors happen
i will b a independent gal who can stand on her own
i wont let such minor stuff get in my way
time to get some control of myself
a rational sam,
a logical sam
someone who can take control of her emotions
less emotional n more serious work
cool n calm..
resilient n resolute
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
weeknite after class...
weeknite after class...
its been another marketing class on a wed evening, had a sumptous dinner @ sakae sushi..as a result missed a bit of class.. totally demotivated to attempt marketing as a unit during exam.. in uni level in Uk level is so damn academic as compared to e poly days where u can rely on ur integrated project to pull u up n pass....
a little guilty for nt concentrating in class. was casually taking notes down n was chatting with my classmate
been really procastinating on my revision on my term 1 n current term 2 notes.. i usually doze off after reading a bit.. tis affects my progess n brain power oso nt good.,, cant store so much as compared as to e past when i was in my teens .. just memorise for those geography diagrams n essay questions to prepare is a breeze man..
the more difficult units to attempt happens to b units like sociology which is nt a common sense unit ... n besides my level of english n essays is not really exceptionally strong .. which makes it a challenge to me to present my essay in a really coherent manner.
i m starting slowly each day to prepare my units for exam next yr in another 7-8 months time.. just sent out my bank draft to london.. really stressed to excel, ok another 30 mins or so.. i gotta start studying a bit.. everyday 1 hr is nt really difficult to spare.. to revise n internalise some knowlege in lecture.. come to tink abt it 1.5 hrs per unit per week is insufficent to absorb the same as compared as a full time student.
no wonder my frens in part time for those lazy ones.. grades really cannot make it . it s such a scary tot when u know u spent a fortune on those units & at the end of the day.. u still get such lousy grades .. ur heart will wrench into a tight knot n e next ting u feel like banging ur head on the wall ...of course the effort invested in it.. does nt necessarily equates to the actual result produced other elements oso contruibute a part to it , like luck, if the examiner or marker likes ur script or even if you spotted the rite exam units n how thorough was ur preparation for the whole damn semester, seriously all the one yr of study is all reflected in a 3- hr examination ..wat a joke..
wat really happens after graduation .. its like a big question i asked myself often after going thru or currently going thru the phase of rushing n working n studying.. the objective is to ultimately climb the coporate ladder ? .. enjoy the fruits of labour ?or just plainly to have more bargaining power as a employee n earn as big bucks as possible .. or simply a combination of all.. ?
n at a certain age like 35 or even 40 m i willing to forgone this for a family.. or will i b easily contented to settle for a nice n cozy family.. kids n caring husband . 10 yrs frm now or will i still be a swinging single..
life in ur 20s is a exciting begining , fresh frm sch a lot of tings to explore n lots of aspirations. now after in the working force for anbbt 3 yrs now in 3 separate companies n industries , u r just begining to be less idealistic n less complacent when u were just a innocent fresh grad with no industry experince,another 2 more years i will be in mid 20s, i m starting to visualise my path in my later career . As compared to the mindset in ur early teens or adolescence , ur goals to achieve seems so much smaller n easier to attain .. life was so muc h simpler n plain happy just being with ur close buddies in school n revising for exam. ther e was just too much to reminisce.. reciprocal affection n kindness to ur beloved ones ..
another 6 more mins .. have to start flipping those lecture slides...
pen off.
its been another marketing class on a wed evening, had a sumptous dinner @ sakae sushi..as a result missed a bit of class.. totally demotivated to attempt marketing as a unit during exam.. in uni level in Uk level is so damn academic as compared to e poly days where u can rely on ur integrated project to pull u up n pass....
a little guilty for nt concentrating in class. was casually taking notes down n was chatting with my classmate
been really procastinating on my revision on my term 1 n current term 2 notes.. i usually doze off after reading a bit.. tis affects my progess n brain power oso nt good.,, cant store so much as compared as to e past when i was in my teens .. just memorise for those geography diagrams n essay questions to prepare is a breeze man..
the more difficult units to attempt happens to b units like sociology which is nt a common sense unit ... n besides my level of english n essays is not really exceptionally strong .. which makes it a challenge to me to present my essay in a really coherent manner.
i m starting slowly each day to prepare my units for exam next yr in another 7-8 months time.. just sent out my bank draft to london.. really stressed to excel, ok another 30 mins or so.. i gotta start studying a bit.. everyday 1 hr is nt really difficult to spare.. to revise n internalise some knowlege in lecture.. come to tink abt it 1.5 hrs per unit per week is insufficent to absorb the same as compared as a full time student.
no wonder my frens in part time for those lazy ones.. grades really cannot make it . it s such a scary tot when u know u spent a fortune on those units & at the end of the day.. u still get such lousy grades .. ur heart will wrench into a tight knot n e next ting u feel like banging ur head on the wall ...of course the effort invested in it.. does nt necessarily equates to the actual result produced other elements oso contruibute a part to it , like luck, if the examiner or marker likes ur script or even if you spotted the rite exam units n how thorough was ur preparation for the whole damn semester, seriously all the one yr of study is all reflected in a 3- hr examination ..wat a joke..
wat really happens after graduation .. its like a big question i asked myself often after going thru or currently going thru the phase of rushing n working n studying.. the objective is to ultimately climb the coporate ladder ? .. enjoy the fruits of labour ?or just plainly to have more bargaining power as a employee n earn as big bucks as possible .. or simply a combination of all.. ?
n at a certain age like 35 or even 40 m i willing to forgone this for a family.. or will i b easily contented to settle for a nice n cozy family.. kids n caring husband . 10 yrs frm now or will i still be a swinging single..
life in ur 20s is a exciting begining , fresh frm sch a lot of tings to explore n lots of aspirations. now after in the working force for anbbt 3 yrs now in 3 separate companies n industries , u r just begining to be less idealistic n less complacent when u were just a innocent fresh grad with no industry experince,another 2 more years i will be in mid 20s, i m starting to visualise my path in my later career . As compared to the mindset in ur early teens or adolescence , ur goals to achieve seems so much smaller n easier to attain .. life was so muc h simpler n plain happy just being with ur close buddies in school n revising for exam. ther e was just too much to reminisce.. reciprocal affection n kindness to ur beloved ones ..
another 6 more mins .. have to start flipping those lecture slides...
pen off.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Blissfully attached
wat more can i ask for now.. wonderful family , caring bf, gal frens who will b there for me.. ok colleagues n boss.. rewarding position with the organisation .. could strive for better.. but at current stage everting seems to b nicely in order , well managed ...
tis time i m in tis comfy arm chair in bro 3's brother in law's study room listening to alexander wang's li lom's songs while typing out the blog ... KISSif only 分 goodbye..
每一次和你分開 ﹐ 每一 次 kiss you goodbye, 很舍不得。。愛情的滋味此刻我終於最明白
wat happens if u dun get to c ur significant half?
its like a internal struggle with yourself on focusing ...
我希望他是我的未來 coz i believe in him
if only i got more time with him....... thats a long tot. i just realized how diverse our values vary..
but our style is to agree to disagree which aint a bad idea as well.
tis time i m in tis comfy arm chair in bro 3's brother in law's study room listening to alexander wang's li lom's songs while typing out the blog ... KISSif only 分 goodbye..
每一次和你分開 ﹐ 每一 次 kiss you goodbye, 很舍不得。。愛情的滋味此刻我終於最明白
wat happens if u dun get to c ur significant half?
its like a internal struggle with yourself on focusing ...
我希望他是我的未來 coz i believe in him
if only i got more time with him....... thats a long tot. i just realized how diverse our values vary..
but our style is to agree to disagree which aint a bad idea as well.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Its all in my mind: wonderful start of a turning pt
its all in my mind: wonderful start of a turning pt
while listening to jay chou's latest hits.. Many streams of my thoughts flow on a quiet Friday midnite .. my com reads 12.05am on september 16, 2006
thinking back on how I gone spend my weekend nite nicely curled on the study table revising , is rather demoralizing or rather mixed feelings.. More time for serious study but to forgone bgr. its nt a gd tradeoff.
tml's a long day for me n my fellow colleagues, 8.30am start work all e way stop for abt 2 hrs then road show 1pm- 8.30pm @ white sands branch . road show again... hope i can just escape earlier..
I got to motivate myself to earn more commisson for this month, did so badly for last month cant believe i was so slack.. After shopping @ bugis village just now after work , geting some nice heels , its time to get to serious work. There is the usual bread n butter issues ; bills to pay , targets to meet, difficult customers to solve n deadlines to meet .
hopefully a wonderrful start of being a studious n diligent student will let my effort pay off for my initial tradeoffs altogether...
he has become my beacon. a wonderful partner who's ever level headed .His exteriors exudes an air of coolness is wat was fixed on my first impression the first time i set my eyes on him on our date on 12/8/06.
there are many questions abt him, but i have too little answers to it. i need a key. n its mutual understanding n communication even in the absence of him , of being together .. 2 weeks would b away in a blink of the eye , n watever feelings would b contained n the tots of seeing him n in his arms would b so anticipating.
love should b allowed to b cultivated, to b nurtured slowly like caring for the young ones.. consistently giving attention & care but oso occasionally giving each other time of independence to allow e kids to shine on its own.
there r too many outstanding tings to KIV abt but lack of time to cater for every aspect, its like a touch n go concept for both of us. as much as i would like to b with him.. there are always constraints within that makes it infeasible to do so.. theres a lot of compromising to be done with him but then again its still e begining. n its a long path to go .. tat is to " get there" " the one" the ideal partner,, 3 magical words he told me..
love me
trust me
be with me
with tat we ended a 3hr conversation , thrashing on the conflicting pts of opinions which was quite a refreshing start. suddenly " the honeymoon" was shortened.. however.. would wish to prolong this phase of courtship
i admit ,, those seniors ard me r veri well groomed n tis reflects in their aura of elegance they exhibit n its contagious..
maybe its him,, it could b myself another phase of me, another side of sam who could b oso as alluring.time for a refreshing image . again from the defunct sporty sam to sexy sam.
i have to pull myself together to really focus on wats really important to me
i got to prolong my attention span altogether .e long periods spent in reading is demanding n it certain takes a lot of my energy trying to piecing out info , internalising knowlege to size it up in a coherent manner..wat if i have 2 brains to work with. extra brain power to boost my intelligence . havent even touch the accounting tutorial.. n its a boring unit to begin with as well.. sch work start to sink in .. nonetheless e endless weekend roadshow is begining to crash on my hectic schedules to meet.. to accede to the requests of the clients . e boss.. n to sch work
while listening to jay chou's latest hits.. Many streams of my thoughts flow on a quiet Friday midnite .. my com reads 12.05am on september 16, 2006
thinking back on how I gone spend my weekend nite nicely curled on the study table revising , is rather demoralizing or rather mixed feelings.. More time for serious study but to forgone bgr. its nt a gd tradeoff.
tml's a long day for me n my fellow colleagues, 8.30am start work all e way stop for abt 2 hrs then road show 1pm- 8.30pm @ white sands branch . road show again... hope i can just escape earlier..
I got to motivate myself to earn more commisson for this month, did so badly for last month cant believe i was so slack.. After shopping @ bugis village just now after work , geting some nice heels , its time to get to serious work. There is the usual bread n butter issues ; bills to pay , targets to meet, difficult customers to solve n deadlines to meet .
hopefully a wonderrful start of being a studious n diligent student will let my effort pay off for my initial tradeoffs altogether...
he has become my beacon. a wonderful partner who's ever level headed .His exteriors exudes an air of coolness is wat was fixed on my first impression the first time i set my eyes on him on our date on 12/8/06.
there are many questions abt him, but i have too little answers to it. i need a key. n its mutual understanding n communication even in the absence of him , of being together .. 2 weeks would b away in a blink of the eye , n watever feelings would b contained n the tots of seeing him n in his arms would b so anticipating.
love should b allowed to b cultivated, to b nurtured slowly like caring for the young ones.. consistently giving attention & care but oso occasionally giving each other time of independence to allow e kids to shine on its own.
there r too many outstanding tings to KIV abt but lack of time to cater for every aspect, its like a touch n go concept for both of us. as much as i would like to b with him.. there are always constraints within that makes it infeasible to do so.. theres a lot of compromising to be done with him but then again its still e begining. n its a long path to go .. tat is to " get there" " the one" the ideal partner,, 3 magical words he told me..
love me
trust me
be with me
with tat we ended a 3hr conversation , thrashing on the conflicting pts of opinions which was quite a refreshing start. suddenly " the honeymoon" was shortened.. however.. would wish to prolong this phase of courtship
i admit ,, those seniors ard me r veri well groomed n tis reflects in their aura of elegance they exhibit n its contagious..
maybe its him,, it could b myself another phase of me, another side of sam who could b oso as alluring.time for a refreshing image . again from the defunct sporty sam to sexy sam.
i have to pull myself together to really focus on wats really important to me
i got to prolong my attention span altogether .e long periods spent in reading is demanding n it certain takes a lot of my energy trying to piecing out info , internalising knowlege to size it up in a coherent manner..wat if i have 2 brains to work with. extra brain power to boost my intelligence . havent even touch the accounting tutorial.. n its a boring unit to begin with as well.. sch work start to sink in .. nonetheless e endless weekend roadshow is begining to crash on my hectic schedules to meet.. to accede to the requests of the clients . e boss.. n to sch work
Sunday, September 03, 2006
wonderful start of a turning pt
sometimes when people ask me in the past if i believe in fate..i always give the sheepish n skeptical smile. but i kinda have to admit when cupid strikes.. it does..
new love is found, although he has crossed my path 5 years ago.. certain tings happen for a reason n i guess it has indeed to me..
significantly he is now an important figure to me.
more importantly he has been a pillar of strength to me , my fort ..
lovey doey doesnt work when u r older.. mutual respect , understanding n similar goals n values is crucial n key elements to work tings out esp in a difficult period.
yet i cannot explain the theory behind opposite attracts...
i feel like i m always with the "wrong" type of men,, or rather this is fate...
its a wonderful start with this great beau. all the qualities i can ask for.if there was anyting tat was lacking would b time .. time is a factor n e level of commitment .. when u cant even convince urself to commit , how would u expect the other party to do so as well.. shall c how it goes .
new love is found, although he has crossed my path 5 years ago.. certain tings happen for a reason n i guess it has indeed to me..
significantly he is now an important figure to me.
more importantly he has been a pillar of strength to me , my fort ..
lovey doey doesnt work when u r older.. mutual respect , understanding n similar goals n values is crucial n key elements to work tings out esp in a difficult period.
yet i cannot explain the theory behind opposite attracts...
i feel like i m always with the "wrong" type of men,, or rather this is fate...
its a wonderful start with this great beau. all the qualities i can ask for.if there was anyting tat was lacking would b time .. time is a factor n e level of commitment .. when u cant even convince urself to commit , how would u expect the other party to do so as well.. shall c how it goes .
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Sleepless for no reason
My pc clock reads 5.57am on a Sunday morning.. and i just casually decided to read some of my previous blocs since as hard as i try.. i m still as sober n awake .. For some reason, tonite seems to be a difficult one.. no matter how hard i coax myself to be in slumberland.. n i happen to re read my blog n gosh.. its been ages since i blog... like since last Mar in year 2005 oh gosh!! its been like more than 1 year since i wrote any blogs.. might as well
its quite a day for me since my exam for my exemption unit is over.. summer holiday for my course starts in July.. long break ahead ...
Came back from my clubing sesson with one of my close frens.. had a couple of drinks, partying n people watching on those cute hunks n hot chicks in the bar...
Recently I have this thinking on how time really flies... for each of us. Its like just yesterday when you were just a kid n now you got to face certain issues in your life and problem solve it as you progess to certain stages .
Sometimes its good to handle things on your own n c for urself how it really turns out given in your best n wise decision that you make.
its been quite a while since i was on "reflective " mode.. as I observe and look around, certainly the people i c , interact do inflict a certain emotion in me & how would i react if i were in their shoes .
currently i have been freed of all the hassle with this ex of mine, which we have a bizzare relationship somehow or rather since his mother is my client. I still hear things about him , which i tink he really ought to think for himself on his ambitions, goals to set him more focused in his career path & not let people down whom has high hopes on him.
I would describe this ex of mine as a lost kid somehow & I was the nanny taking the lead to hold him & guide him.Hes a nice man, simple person who is contented n comfortable with his present pace & environment. However to survive well in a "jungle" we have to be ahead , plan things ahead & sure of why we want to do certain things to achieve certain objectives that we set outselves rather just doing it for the sake of it, I believe this will value add on our goals n act as a better motivation. I cant be a babysitter because i like to help people, i hope he can stand on his own one day without someone to push him.
Recently i just switched to a different path in the banking industry, & it certainly brings me some insights of common people since i m in the front line.There r lots of stories from my clients n everyday i hear different complains as well sometimes their problems as well n somehow my own problems seems to be smaller than i thought before.
I never imagined i would be in this line , strangly i 've grown to be fond of it.. someone on msn , my ex boss was chatting with me n asked me what was my passion... i started to think veri hard.. n then i convinced myself.. well i like travelling or rather i love travelling n perhaps being a tour guide would be interested than some banker...hahahaha...but this job is rather short lived, well i cant travel when i m old n haggard..
if i had the time , money & energy, i like to travel to differnt parts of the world to experience different food, culture , c more things & perhaps try dating people of various ethnics.. do i sound like some weird gal who cant settle for someting..
After the failed relationship, during the past 6 months or so, i have emerged a stronger person that i imagined. Its just that having someone is not as simple as it was for me when i m in my teens,its more than just getting along with each other & oso growing with each other mentally.If nt the relationship gets stagnant at that level & even more mundane than ever, having to have someone foriegn sleeping beside you to find that you r even more lonely with another person beside you.
I have this friend of mine, in fact someone whom i havent seen for the past 2 yrs we were online & she asks me out for coffee..so she told me she had this bf who just refused to ans her calls or reply to her sms for 2 weeks, n my fren was like .. still waiting for him to reply if they should continue on being together.. n this poor fren of mine was terribly upset that things were hanging half way.How could a man behave like this... really indecisive n wishy washy. If tings dun turn out well, so b it then..She has this fear which i believed most people have.. afraid of losing someone ideal at this moment, nt finding someone on par or better than the current one..this is especially even more scary if age catches up for felmales. For better or for worse, i 'll rather make the decison than letting others manipulating on my emotions. I have learnt to develop this self protecting shield , not allowing nasty men or people to ruin on me..call it self centred or insensitive , as i grow older , this shield gets thicker as the years goes by , so tats well most people develop strong friendship when we are much younger as we r more innocent n forgiving.
yeah... finally i m starting to feel tired , makes me normal that i can sleep.. more updates.. to be continued...
its quite a day for me since my exam for my exemption unit is over.. summer holiday for my course starts in July.. long break ahead ...
Came back from my clubing sesson with one of my close frens.. had a couple of drinks, partying n people watching on those cute hunks n hot chicks in the bar...
Recently I have this thinking on how time really flies... for each of us. Its like just yesterday when you were just a kid n now you got to face certain issues in your life and problem solve it as you progess to certain stages .
Sometimes its good to handle things on your own n c for urself how it really turns out given in your best n wise decision that you make.
its been quite a while since i was on "reflective " mode.. as I observe and look around, certainly the people i c , interact do inflict a certain emotion in me & how would i react if i were in their shoes .
currently i have been freed of all the hassle with this ex of mine, which we have a bizzare relationship somehow or rather since his mother is my client. I still hear things about him , which i tink he really ought to think for himself on his ambitions, goals to set him more focused in his career path & not let people down whom has high hopes on him.
I would describe this ex of mine as a lost kid somehow & I was the nanny taking the lead to hold him & guide him.Hes a nice man, simple person who is contented n comfortable with his present pace & environment. However to survive well in a "jungle" we have to be ahead , plan things ahead & sure of why we want to do certain things to achieve certain objectives that we set outselves rather just doing it for the sake of it, I believe this will value add on our goals n act as a better motivation. I cant be a babysitter because i like to help people, i hope he can stand on his own one day without someone to push him.
Recently i just switched to a different path in the banking industry, & it certainly brings me some insights of common people since i m in the front line.There r lots of stories from my clients n everyday i hear different complains as well sometimes their problems as well n somehow my own problems seems to be smaller than i thought before.
I never imagined i would be in this line , strangly i 've grown to be fond of it.. someone on msn , my ex boss was chatting with me n asked me what was my passion... i started to think veri hard.. n then i convinced myself.. well i like travelling or rather i love travelling n perhaps being a tour guide would be interested than some banker...hahahaha...but this job is rather short lived, well i cant travel when i m old n haggard..
if i had the time , money & energy, i like to travel to differnt parts of the world to experience different food, culture , c more things & perhaps try dating people of various ethnics.. do i sound like some weird gal who cant settle for someting..
After the failed relationship, during the past 6 months or so, i have emerged a stronger person that i imagined. Its just that having someone is not as simple as it was for me when i m in my teens,its more than just getting along with each other & oso growing with each other mentally.If nt the relationship gets stagnant at that level & even more mundane than ever, having to have someone foriegn sleeping beside you to find that you r even more lonely with another person beside you.
I have this friend of mine, in fact someone whom i havent seen for the past 2 yrs we were online & she asks me out for coffee..so she told me she had this bf who just refused to ans her calls or reply to her sms for 2 weeks, n my fren was like .. still waiting for him to reply if they should continue on being together.. n this poor fren of mine was terribly upset that things were hanging half way.How could a man behave like this... really indecisive n wishy washy. If tings dun turn out well, so b it then..She has this fear which i believed most people have.. afraid of losing someone ideal at this moment, nt finding someone on par or better than the current one..this is especially even more scary if age catches up for felmales. For better or for worse, i 'll rather make the decison than letting others manipulating on my emotions. I have learnt to develop this self protecting shield , not allowing nasty men or people to ruin on me..call it self centred or insensitive , as i grow older , this shield gets thicker as the years goes by , so tats well most people develop strong friendship when we are much younger as we r more innocent n forgiving.
yeah... finally i m starting to feel tired , makes me normal that i can sleep.. more updates.. to be continued...
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