suddenly i just want to be alone

sometimes it nt good to know too much where you realize there is too much bitching around you need to know who are your frens & your foe i just found out how annoying & easily irritable i was . n here i m blogging out of my usual spot. @ e work panel. somehow tings just got out of hand n it seem to affect my work performance as well my attitude towards other people just got the worse out of me. its like not the usual me i oso wonder y i flare up so easily recently as if the whole world was against me especially to men . the fuse snapp easily ,, i cant sleep well insonmia acts on me n basically i behave like some moron on the loose. luckily the people around me do not bear grudges but perhaps its high time i wont let the emotion get better of me n start attacking innocent parties around me. could be due to information overload & the inability to analyse properly , rationally is just not same old sam i know. i should try my best to get some decent sleep, n stop the topic about tat idiotic creature again whos nt worth my trouble or effort its causing people much distress n causing me to lose my cool as well . just not worth it over such a scum i should have known better. luckily i was smart enough to break out of this whole cycle of the "potential ordeal again" by pulling the handbrake. its as if vending the accumulated anger on some victim actually come to think about it.. i was so harsh as well. towards the foe as well as the innocent parties somehow or rather i grown to appreciate the wonderful things around me n i guess the forumn of others inspire me to move on despite the veri fact of the reminises that i m fond of. all this should come to and end as it would not bring about a future as well with such candidate. after this i guess. he should come to a common understanding that he should not mess around n ruin some other gal's life with his kind of attitude,

.................................

its almost 3 in the morning... my ex bf tried to reconcile with me... but hes passive bitch who is veri bo chap// so after 6 months .. he suddenly wanted to meet up out of e blue , n silly me still met up with him after exam foolishly thinking that hes going to change but sad to say hes not sincere at all n sstill treats me like part time .. i flare up after 10 days of consideration .. n i msg him in MSN veri harsh language.. e.g to ask him to FUCK OFF MY LIFE, ! n DUN WASTE MY TIME.
right now there is another guy who is nice to me caring n all but i cant accept him yet although hes a better choice..
i ahven been mentally tired managing my sales team when there is no boss n i have this stupid problem which afffects my sleep.. n tis must happen during my term break
anyway i have finally convinced myself to let go of such a lousy ex . n it was pointless to carry on anyway..
but 1 hr later i was veri guilty that i flare up at someone i still have feelings for although he such a bastard. i wonder y in work i can be so decisive .. for work i can firmly reject HR n tell them i will defer my transfer till my team is stable when the new manager come inbut y in such case i cannot make a clean decision instead

Sam

its nt an easy nite for me 29/5/07

its nt easy for me to take the last resort to make a harsh decision n comments
such as
F*** off my life!
YOU ARE NOT A GD BF
STOP WASTING MY TIME & UR TIME
U NEVER CHANGE N U NEVER NEVER WILL CHANGE!!
WITH THAT THE LAST PHRASE WAS , I HATE YOU!
luckily e above was in msn n not face to face..
such a passive sissy bastard..
1 hr after i fcuked tat idiot, i begin to feel bad n guilty for such display of behavior
n i begin to sob.. tat i used some harsh language on someone i loved deeply
my heart cringes whenever i tink back i m so horrid person,,

plans... n more observation

i made a bit of thinking process since the met up with him, the issue of incompatibility still strikes in the thought process.
n perhaps which is probabbly true that certain tings cant be mended.
it still under much observation. i dun dare to dream on whether things can be improved. i rather hang on the "moment'
work is much anticapated as i have decided to stay put in this sales team after much thinking . to move on after 6 months when i tink i m more ready to the upgraded title n job scope, no use forcing myself to accomodate when i got no time for work commitment

freaking fri

its been the 5th day since i got back to work.. still veri sleepy coz i have been sleeping for only 5-6 hours this week, hopefully i can sleep more during the weekends
last nite i manage to solve n get to a solution on my internal transfer n deployment problem
although it is not a nice move. i have no choice but to.
after e tennis . i wish that i can sleep normally tonite.. i need a good rest to recharge, have too much things going on in my mind.
i wonder how r things getting on in brisbane.. with my dad and my niece n nephew over there , bro n sister in law as well

once again to make a decision-- @ a cross junction

Oe...embrace says:
only u? 2 where?
Psychedelical says:
long story
Psychedelical says:
managment decision
jOe...embrace says:
2 where?
Psychedelical says:
hr wants me to consider
Psychedelical says:
n reply them soon
Psychedelical says:
i should b i mnt
jOe...embrace says:
wat's yr worry?
Psychedelical says:
i m nt confident
jOe...embrace says:
re-adapt?
Psychedelical says:
Psychedelical says:
esp when i got only 1 more yr in uni
Psychedelical says:
i didnt tink tat far. just tot of staying in this neighbourhood friendly client base
jOe...embrace says:
is true, esp if u r so used 2 the environment n pple....
jOe...embrace says:
so wat if u tell HR yr opinion?
Psychedelical says:
coz it was e CM idea to swop me out
jOe...embrace says:
he dun like u?
Psychedelical says:
last month when i was nt ard. performace index drop veri badly
Psychedelical says:
last in the network among 60 branches
Psychedelical says:
n my referral rate was affected partly becoz of e br. low walk in rate
Psychedelical says:
so these 2 contriButing factors..
jOe...embrace says:
poor u...
Psychedelical says:
actually my colleague suggested i upgrade to premier banking
Psychedelical says:
RO position i m nt conifident enough
Psychedelical says:
with private clients
jOe...embrace says:
if u upgrade 2 premier banking, i'll let u handle my a/c...
Psychedelical says:
Psychedelical says:
i got to reply to HR soon n arange for the interview to b done
Psychedelical says:
o whether its a move now
Psychedelical says:
or should i hop to UOB instea
Psychedelical says:
instead
jOe...embrace says:
uob hunt u?
Psychedelical says:
no la my classmate is in UOB say nt environemt
Psychedelical says:
no need referral similar type of scope
Psychedelical says:
serously if tis offer had came 1 yr later, i would nt be in such predicament
jOe...embrace says:
wat is yr plan?
Psychedelical says:
maybe compare ard
Psychedelical says:
check out other banks as well as internal employment seriously,
Psychedelical says:
my boss told me tis while iwas having lunch in the pantry so after hearing tat, i cant finish my lunch
Psychedelical says:
headache man tot i can rest during my term break n this must happen.. life is such a twist
jOe...embrace says:
b calm, i kw is a difficult moment. but jst speak yr heart 2 them.
Psychedelical says:
I am so used to neighborhood friendly base,, its such a tough decision
Psychedelical says:
as a matter of fact i oso told tis boss i have only 1 more yr in sch ..
Psychedelical says:
My BM is deployed to china so the new one. coming to take over so its like in a mess
Psychedelical says:
i have a fellow colleague who has trs to premier recently . she told me she woud me .. i would probabbly k her opinioin
Psychedelical says:
recently i hacent been Sleeping well , coz e tons of left over had to b cleared by month end
Psychedelical says:
n tis should happen
Psychedelical says:
i slept only 4-5 hrs only. waking up in betwn. coz i had tis Bad feeling.. after my colleague told me abt our veri Bad performance

someting which i took down frm a fellow fren's blog

Most of the times good things seldom happen to us. What we see are all the bad things in life. Sometimes when we encounter problems we always asked ourselves why should we enduring such kind of pains? Who cause the pains? How to ease the pains? I think the pains that we are enduring is our own choices. We choose pain in a certain situations and sometimes whether we like it or not we still feel the pain. Maybe this is a test for us on how strong we are and to build us to be a stronger person. I think in every circumstance it does always depend on us how we look at things and how we approach problems whether we see it in a negative or positive way.Whether we like it or not in LIFE there would always be an up and down and there would be happiness and bitterness. Without all this life will be meaningless. Anyway life still goes on. Times will not wait for us.To make life more interesting just to remember the good things that had happen to us. This can cheers us through out our whole life.

sam

0240

240507

take tings as they come

putting in effort, n hope things will turn out fine

gd start

wake up @ 5. 50 am today . hope its a gd sign n oso a gd start

i made a decision to take a chance

take a chance first.

i tink i still cant get over him

ya.. i cannot tink properly
give myself more time..
i cant force myself

getting back to work after a 3wk break

make a wise decision
evaluate choices.
accept someone new or rekindle fond memories with the old flame.

fucking confussed again .similar episode

its bee n averi long weekend. after e luxurious massage.. e gals.. e gathering . soccer watch ex fling episode.. i dunno if i m in the correct state of mind to think.
i didnt know i got e mental strength to push him away
seriously i was happy tat i met up with him, but @ e same time when he pop up abt patching up. i got e jitters.i hate losing. really hate it
veri confused.. we did it,, yes... i was visualising a welcome hug. i missed e bear .e bear hug my lost n found love.
time....think carefully

first day of summer holiday

its a fresh start . ending of an academic yr.

last paper was quite a painful process

i missed out an important acc statement. B/S i pray i will pass...

never want to go t through e same round on the same topic again..

finally.. reaching e finishing line soon..so close

exactly 12hrs frm now
so much anxiety n formula to squeeze in//
infor overload
i need a cold shower to wake myself up.. its been ages since i stay up whole nite just to revise..

1 more to go n more struggling.. no more theory ..pscheydelical

yeah... last paper...
psychedelical indeed
too much theory will make u nuts
for the first time i loved my calculator..
lookinf forward to massage again..
pa is flying off tml nite.. haiz...
stock up on lots groceries so i dun have to go out a lot but still get food
formulas...

15/5/07 start of e battle

in another 12 hrs it another gruelling round once again .. after e power maggi mee n soon to gulp nescafe,,, life i so much rosier..having a nap..lots of tea during the day n by focusing your thoughts nt to sleep helps..speed reading has been a knack of skilln e more determined you r to pursue someting it just gets the better of u
i overheard a short slip of a story n radio about a clever jockey,

the story revolves about this jockey. in fact a few jockeys were trying to tame a wild horse but was unable to. they tried means n ways .. but once they forced it n try to ride it, it would run loose . however this particular jockey took a long n good look at his wild horse.. examined it throughly and discovered a pointed metal object on one of the horse' hooves. so the morale of the story was simply not to jump in to problem straight away before finding the root of the issue.
veri often even myself, failed to be sharp in noticing errors or the " real problem" this causes distress among urself when u cant keep your cool to ration out your thoughts,
so after knowing the story. tis brings me to applying in my upcoming's exams or other matters be it personal or work. to observe carefully before coming to a rash conclusion without a thought for the rest. n it takes just extra few more mins or time to come to a better conseus and understanding
it has been a rough n long day. memorising concepts & sociological theories
count down. again to the last paper.. FRI>>>>>

f***king pissed with some colleague

sun call me today call me. email her oso like no use for a stupid pic..
email her fine cannot receive. ok reply her say will pass her on sat still not happy
spoiler . spoil my nap call me for such nonsense.
si bei bui zhi dong..
so irritating !!
email her already./ reply her still nt enough sun received her call already bui song. today still test my patience, KNN.. i veri bek jek already lack of sleep still come n call me on such nonsense
i must calm down !!looking forward to sat.. SPA....

f***king pissed with some colleague

sun call me today call me. email her oso like no use for a stupid pic..
email her fine cannot receive. ok reply her say will pass her on sat still not happy
spoiler . spoil my nap call me for such nonsense.
si bei bui zhi dong..
so irritating !!
email her already./ reply her still nt enough sun received her call already bui song. today still test my patience, KNN.. i veri bek jek already lack of sleep still come n call me on such nonsense
i must calm down !!looking forward to sat.. SPA....

afraid of letting go to accept something new

if love can bring 2 people together, y is tat it also leads them away

one had to go thru separation, heart broken, moving on, and a cycle of accepting someone else

a normal bgr revolves the various stages.. like team forming from inital awkwardness to total blissfulness & at ease..

i m seeking someone who i can rely on.. a sort of brotherly love that prolongs even when i m in a relationship

but its so difficult . might take a whole lifetime to get to know tat someone.. SO..

n when incidents happen .it might strike to u separation is inevitable

after wolfing down 2 donuts. it feels like heaven , while listening to dylan guo's heart wrenching tunes.its recuperating forcing myself to concentrate on a relatively warm afternoon. can only absorb 40% of the content. so i m nw.ritually bloggin out of habit again.
a well deserved break on next sat with a full 2 hrs of massage, body scrub & jaquzzi, but before that is another7 days of gruellingn heavy intensive revision.
after all. only 1chance to show what we can prove our understanding. miss this n we got to redo all this agonising process on the same lousy units again
it took me while to decide if i would want to include him in this well deserved retreat.
e objective is a test to me to get over it and convince myself its not possible between us
telling myself n e actual thinking process does not correlate
soft heartedness wont work this time. face it ! sam dun ly to urself believing everthing is going 2 be okay. apparently its not.
but stubbornly i would like to know the outcome afterall we only live once
anyting is possible..when we know we try hard enough
2nd lower class....

E DONUT CRAZE..

after craving for the lovely donuts for about a few weeks i decided to try it myself on how nice it tasted. n in the end here i was queueing it for 3.5 hrs today@ the shopping mall.. THis instance just goes to show how passionate n singaporeans can be about having good food.. n i m commenting really nice n crispy ones.
Donut factory is really a huge sucess with as long as 3 barricades..as early as 11 to have customers waiting outside the store.
its really yummy n crunchy well.. worth the wait
i waited from 12noon-3.30pm for 2 dozen donuts
with 15 assorted flavors i m so spoilt for choice. but @ the same time i also can sense that i am going to fall sick if i do not stop those sinful indulgences , my body feels hot n my head was spining on the way back. coz after e 3.5hrs i waited another 2 hrs @ sim lim coz my buddy was buying tis LCD monitor screen that fails to work every time the sales promoter do the testing.so i resolved to take e cab back myself first before i really fall sick
AS expected i shared my well deserved snacks with my buddies n family..ah pa did loved those ..although earlier this morning he said that it was nonsense n complete waste of time to queue. n haha i did changed his perception after he tasted it..!! YUMMY...
Just as i tot i m going to fall sick, i give myself no chance by poping in panadol extra again n this time with an added extra booze . i armed myself with herbal tea " just in case "gulped lots of water to make sure i m in pink of health for the exam next week
my face feels a little warm now.. n i m starting to get a little giddy n tats e price for being a little sweet tooth..
zk was being a nice pal by coming over my place to guide me on my accounts the evening before.. today i had a nice break n i havent start on my notes n books yet.. e chocolate!!!.. double chocolate.. oh yeah! . so high! after consumption helps to keep me awake for tonite.. heavy reading.. before that need to load myself with sugar to be active n alert.chocolate keeps peoply happy beaming with delight . quite true but dont know how long the effect lasts.

battle @ expo hall 7

after 4 yrs grad in poly, first attempt of many years in tertiay education , i manage to have a taste what it was like in a huge exam hall with countless candidates like me waiting to submit our scripts up for marking.
the anticipation, fear & a total mixed emotions evoked through my brain. like a flash , i had to pull myself together n focus on the completion of my paper in the stipulated period of time in 3 hrs
The exam hall @ expo was huge as the rows is endless.
we c a lot of weary faces n worried expression. all ready to "charge" for exam n aim straight home.
luckily there was a break. grace period of 6 days for me before my next battle if nt i would not know how to prepare for exam
i always thought i wont be able to sit through a 3 hr paper but then i was wrong. in the middle of my exam i tot of leaving n not persisting further. instead i pop in my usual pandadol extra n decide to brave through it. no time to be scared n worried. be calm n perfom my usual self. n tings should be easy tosolve
it is intimidating but nt as daunting as i perceived it to be
i got to perserve on n hang on its jsut another 9 more days n my days of agony for exam fever would be over for this yr.

050507 1403hrs

hahahha now in bro3 place again . brought along my barang barang POA n marketing text, refernce & past yr papers to study here.. heehehehehe

muster all efforts to wake up @ 6 to revise

i m a weird bitch who refuse to sleep a lot..hahahah

rain big big.. weather damn shiok

haiyah cannot go out coz e foul weather
so before it started raining. i actually convinced my dad to play badminton with me before i started my revison coz my head was so bogged down with figures since last evening for my POA paper. head was throbbing n i had 2 panadol extra to calm myself down
n i figured well. since i had a bit of time. i can play some sports to calm myself down
theres abt 5000 candidates for exam for the 1st marketing paper. n i got 6 more days
thank god. office has stopped their nonsense calls by now.
HRM.. FW taylor. federick winslow taylor.
kelly twin track model.job redesign
POA. P &L . BS. cashflow. ratio analysis
sociogy, marx , weber. durkheim
its really a lot to digest. n i feel pressured to succumb to lazines & slumber
ok ok serious serious.. essay preparation

battle begins frm 1/5 - 18/5/07

labour day but indeed laborious nite ahead for me and the weeks to come. a lot of focus & effort to make things happen. nt letting anyone to ruin my well deserved break.
enough of socialising now is not the time to play already. if i do not want to risk failing anyunit or waste another more yr of mine.
watched wild hogs. veri enjoyable but have to start long nites at the study table n decline kind dinner offers frm my frens or any form of group date if possible..
coz will get distracted n waste more time on unnessary activites.
i tink have to tabao for most of my meals so as to maximise the hours possible.
hope to c the light after the dark tunnel to c my efforts paid off, fruits of my labour
with all my hectic schedule put in ..
ok adios. have to start revision . serious revision.

genki genki

it seems that i have got over jl coz hes really not the one who i envisage.
in summary hes a rotten scumbag who do not deserve a gem with him
amk hub with of old bean--shopping nlunch with him
bugis-acc him to buy shades frm viv's uncle's shop
starting to get in the mood for exam..begining serious revision
received a surprise sms frm jl to the movies after exam . i reckon by the next time we met up it will be a different type of experience towards him
a purely frienship catch up n nothing more.
2 hrs of reading before i join my family for JB trip. hehehe
giving myself till 1530 to slack till abt 1730
rather a happy n jovial.. happy swinging single.
who i plan to go on short last min trip with my buddies.. getting by each day happier than ever
hahahaahahah
shall decide later if i wanna meet

facial on a sun

finally e house is empty..
did a sleepover @ viv's
her airon was shiok
finally mustered all determination to make a pathetic attempt for the accounting questions
xh's baby is out.. on 15 Apr... my bonus pay day.
clean the fan in my room , swept my room n mopped it.. feeelsclean now..
ok got to wash my face off those mask.. time to start revision

a heavy heart after attending a funeral of someone i know

so attending to a wake after class was something which was naturally quite saddening. e mood was just not right.
every dog has its day. n to tink such a strong person. n a sudden departure
just reminds me to treasure kinship more since life is so fragile
way back when i was 6 or 7 i still used to pop by my ex sister in law's place to overnite or even had reunion dinner with them since we had a rough time when my mum passed away then
its been 13yrs tis yr now since my mother left me..
thinkinh back i was still 11 n now i m 24 capable of taking care of myself on my own n contributing to the family expenses.
to tink tat senior had tots of traveling overseas n before he left . he did the housework n boiled water.. haizz life is like a game sometimes never know what will happen next

long weekend with lots of rest

its been like a 3 day break frm work n was really good
manage to sleep till like 10 or 11 on average
caught a jolin concert. visited my mum's @ mt vernon
another yr has passed.. e kids.. nephew n niece r picking up fast/
kids of the past simply cant be compared to present.
smarter. more fortunate . more access to better environment n facilities
i bet my bro's son has nt sat on a mrt / public transport for more than 5 times since hes borned
bump with my 3rd uncle n his wife n for so many yrs . now we met by chance
its a lot to give in in a family as a role as a mother n wife.. i c tat in my sister in law's role.. as for bro hes got only 2 hrs of sleep n hes got to drive ard to pray to the ancestors @ cck
n hes rewarded with a sudden small fortune as he strike 4d with his intuitive abilities.. hahaha gd for him.
my inital plan of coping on my own seems to b nt tat easy .. i cant really cook well
n i m rather dependent on my siblings rather nt in material but emotional aspect as the value of family dinner n bonding seems strong
after tis week. next week start preparation a bit scared liao

losing n gaining

To sum up 2006, i lost n gain tings which i once had. people n memories which i had.but the fact is its never the same prior to the test of time, the certain beliefs that once clung to me has modified. e inital feeings that was once touched was never the same after a couple of years later. it has got an expiry date for that. & realization struck me.like few buckets of icy water splashed to me straight to my face.
it can never b the same.
losing has made me gained stronger kinship n bond with my family n closer group of buddies.no doubt they have provided me the care that i need during the past 3 months which i had gradually picked myself up frm when i fell. e brief period with that person taught me a few learning pt.some conversation with the consultants has provided the other side of me which needs to be further improved which i will work on strongly to consciously be aware to greatly affect my interpersonal skills with certain external parties ie colleagues , superior n the upcoming ones.letting go of some good memories is never a easy task, but i have faith that i can set my mind to accomplish it.it takes a lot to do that. n to me waking this path till now has never been smooth sailing, frm my innocent adolences to the present.having times of solitude is benefical to b able to sort those confused & mixed messages running in my mind to sieve through the negative emotions & slow emerging to the usual bubbly n chirpy self.
i might have lost someting but i belive i have gained more now.
it will be a more fruitful journey ahead even without some companionship but its ok . coz it needs more of the strength n courage to face it than to hide frm it.
2007 n the upcoming 2008 . as much as i could spice up my activities n do a complete make over but testing my own limit. overiding my personal limitations n enjoying life as it comes.
by taking small steps gradually , i strongly believe it my goals can be achieved ultimately n who knows it might b e best decison made to make up for my loss.
truth stings but it never lies.
cant help but be relieved
that the twist of events can b a blessing in disguise.
0222 250307

a tough day today

a nt so gd start wtih a few diffcult customers 1203
confrontation frm a fellow colleague vs a chao keng colleague, caught in between...well tat was on a mon

tue.. farewell dinner with linda the crew1303
last min claim off,, got a earful frm lee ... n pat.. hehehe
went out on a dinner with CK... friendly person but not my type



wed.. so far so gd1403

Reminiscences

those were the days where we worry about exam, waking up early for sch. studying for finals n working on ur final yr project. i c my niece n nephews looking at their cute school bags brings back to ur school days..

today's trip to causeway pt... gives me much reminiscences of the movie together...

going to the usual shops again is a different type of experience

some tings which r over ought to be , its been almost 3 months since we broke off. i still cant bring myself to forget everyting , e tings shared n done

its like a sore feeling which cant be erased easily n it puts a fear whenever i meet new ppl

i thought i can get over him.

but it takes slower than i tink i could

appointment with e sunlight adviser

hahahahha not another trip to visit the consultant for advice in my overall luck this pig yr..

dunno wats e e outcome after her cousulation

quiet day @ the br...

with e usual interesting characters..

another hr to ko. looking forward to a nice nap

a psychiatric visit with old bean on 23/3

just had lunch with old bean.
called me up .
after visiting the clinic for mc was refered to a medical specialist for his mental health issues
got some info to seek some professional help frm behavioral clinic to seek some form of appointment to find out his source of problem to treat his clinical problems
sleepwalking in the night , nt able to sleep well n occasionally some shocking acts just put an alram,
although its rather worrying..
dunno what is wrong with the issue.
maybe some doctor advice would be good to solve rotten worm's issue n his worries

frm sleeptalking.. gradually smashing the Tv in the rm, to sleep walking n taking a knife ard in the house is certainly rather detrimental..
affects e well being as well as my safety in the house. has to keep a watch or keep my room locked so i can sleep in peace.

got to get more information frm the web to get some facts right so as to to be prepared of the various kinds of treatment to apply .

except for that pt. i guess e family is still right on track,
with me gradually bucking up each day. challenging myself.. reminding myself that i have no more time to waste.. ace thru my upcoming exams.

worm issue can only be solved if he can solve his own problems so he can be no longer a burden to old bean.

no more time to waste..

shiken...

2 more months n it will b exam
feeling e heat man
...
veri soon i have to cross the hurdles n various obstacles to reach my goals n targets
tiring but fufiling lifestyle

tough units.
scared of failure. afraid that i will have to retake , n redo. n my efforts will b wasted
tats a veri dark thought.

after visiting ravee today. she did gave mesome pointers.
like building n improving more PR whic h will aid me in my relationship with people . ie colleagues
its really a challenge, maybe being too straightforward do put me in difficult position
wat brings me after next yr. upon grad is a big question mark like back to the line of cross roads.
lately i been tinking.. really making lots of $$$ n oso achieving the interest which i like to pursue.
is it really a wise decision to leave a comfort zone . n starting frm the scratch
should i go for the swizzerland intership or stay in the comfort n familar banking environement which i have grown so accustomed..
front line indeed is exciting n true enough never boring but can get tiring n mind draining
last nite @ st james was one nite tat i cant forget coz i c the ugly side of human
corroding away in the cells of the nite entertainment
life is never tat peaceful.. each to our own path to seek

study.. read ..regurgitate... in exam n forget

its been stressful living with 2 problemactic men in the house . putting up with all their nonsense, getting some sanity so i wont get mental problems as well

get away with these family soap opera n move out on my own, watever ....it is...tat if e last resort

nt enough of sleep n long hours facing such problems. with e problem child n e senile father.

family issues r always present always a case to give n take until to a pt cannot make it then alternatives to solve e issues

time to retaliate n show my colors n my capabilities of wat i can do. tink i m tat easily bullied.. no way..
its been so unfair, everyone in e family dun seem to care for my pt of view.
i detest n despise men like e rotten one who stays under e same roof as myself. its a challenge to me at my struggling years .
y should such tings happen to me when i should be happily enjoying my prime years.really begining to lose faith n confidence in the next relationship that comes along. its been shitty n theres nothinh to salvage such situation , i wonder if my mum thought tat way when she was my age.
like some tings, i got to face reality n face it alone when e odds come on n crash me on my mental state of mind. reminding me to be stronger n tougher than i imagined i could possibily can b.
some aspects can b fixed like career , self development can b changed if i make effort to
others like a nt so condusive family environment , fucked up loved life cant b helped. continues to b messed up.
like of my fren advised me since it cant b changed, i got to change myself instead. in order to b flexible.
men r nothing. i dun need a man. however i just need one good man .
many characters. types ... e good one doesnt come along easily. n i cant be tat easily swayed just to get out of a troublemaker n risk my future happines for the potential golden years which is approximately like at least 30-40yrs to face n live with tat "someone"
on the other hand, the unhappiness accumulated inside has weathered me till i tink i cant pick n choose like some junk on the street
looking forward to tat person on next weekend on what sort of advice she has installed for me for this pig yr.. in fact i get so affected tat watever i read n study doesnt get in my head. i shouldnt.. but i cant seem to relax

overcoming all odds n hurdles no matter how difficult it takes to achieve

its again another day.. day 3 of CNY
again problem child cannot wake up for work.. use the family car n me , the poor innocent party has to fetch the older lad back..
veri stressed .. have to by hook or by crook complete the UOL program these 2 yrs hopefully next yr due to the following reasons

• Time
• money
• Age
• potential bread winner for the family since pa doesnt have many years to slog already.. puts on a strain on me.. to b able to contribute since rotten worm cant b trusted

testing our patience... well i shall have my strategy on such idiots. since talking sense doesnt help already . i will deal it my own method.. take into consideration my buddy's suggestions

mock exam ...6 days exactly to my 1st paper .. no preparation.

I 've gambling n i lost like $50 during my 3 day intensive gambling session after home visiting..my poor luck probabbly due to i havent pay my fine hahahaha. so its bad luck for gambling

every yr's the same to socialise with those few relatives

talking abt some common topics to catch up

listening to some of the latest gossip frm various uncles n aunties abt their own nuclear family group. each family has their share of issues

overcoming all odds n hurdles no matter how difficult it takes to achieve

i tink when i look back this entry again .. 2 yrs frm now. i would tink tat everyting tat i forgone now is all worth it..

11 days of my bro 3 nt in town, i realized 3 key tings

1. i have been really reliant on my elder bros.. tat i havent been able to b on e road on my own since they r always guiding me n i didnt have the chance to explore so its an eye opener.. after being lost on the road n navigating on my own , as i have poor sense of direction n i m a idiot in reading maps
2. its a skill to fend on my own. whether its on e road or in the society n some tings tat appear to b glamorous like being a proud car owner is nt at all.so many hidden cost to the expenses .. stressed on the safety of your loved ones n careful planning on the road so as nt to miss the way n waste time n petrol
3. i realize e importance of family bonding.. now tat i m approaching my mid twenties soon. tis yr i ate reunion dinner alone beside the tv eating tabao chicken rice frm auntie may . it was so miserable in a way.. started to tink too much whether e family will disperse if pa is nt ard to supervise or pull the family together. e rotten worm continues to give trouble n much worries until his own sad history adds on a precedent of his own broken marriage that i cant afford another disappointment in this family to add on my father 's woes.. selection of the "right " candidate becomes another form of stress to me..someone who can take care of me since i m so used to b taken care of.. till that happens i m on my own to stick on n continue my "struggle" since its a battle with the rotten worm who seems to act stupid is a cunning one in disguise

well ,everyone's learning curve is different. a break is wat i need frm the wrong ppl ... the cert tat i been yearning for the past few yrs is the most important task to complete. it has been a impossible task so far since attempting driving for my 6th attempt i achieved.. n after intensive driving n bumping in the wrong turns . i got e hang of it n i grown to appreciate my family chauffeurs more than ever..

no one can predict tomorrow but i hope to make the best out of today.

always uncertain. many possibilities

200207

1121

march of e pig yr

wow wow. i m suddenly a blooming 24 yr old lass .. how time flies for e past 12 yrs since my previous pig yr at 12, while i was still a kid.
now i have the financial needs to carry myself ard oso to drive myself ard although with much loss of direction.. lousy sense of direction. n it feels scary to be all alone stranded on some dark lane tryiing to fish my way back to my destination..
a nite of roller coaster , while i was so close to my way to fetch my ah pa.. on e eve.. memorable 2007 lunar new yr eve
luckily my ah lu was ard to guide me. was a bundle of wrecked nerves.. after missing my way in the newly estate in sengkang .. hougang..
now i can proudly declare i can strandle with the paths of SLE ,CTE & PIE
yesterday it was a whole day of missing myway n finding my way.
movie , nite rider with my pals n rushing to airport t2 to fetch dad
n it ended with mahjong with my frens...
sleeping at abt 4.. n waking up .. 9 today teary... n i lapse in slumber for a nap of abt 45 mins before setting off to home visiting.
after cny,, will have to focus on studies.. 2 more day to enjoy..

v day 2007

Summary of events on Vday2007

• Fun & Germ's futile efforts to cheer me up on V day by surprising me with a stalk of rose
• Having a celebration with JEssica @ Sakae's PM.. before HRM's lecture
• COuldnt really eat much due to a outburst of a series of events , domestic issues , academic & work
• Attending M's last le cture on the exam format for HRm
• Attending to weird,erratic situation during operations @ work which turns out more problemactic than usual
• Stressful & tiring evening to focus. yawning throughout my class
• Finally retreating 2 slumber n relaxing

do u agree ?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Because reality sets in!Actually its because there are stages to a relationship. The first stage is teh falling in love stage. Then reality sets in, thats stage 2, its where you see your partners flaws. This is the time when most couples split, because you see ther person for who they are not what you think they are when you are in love. Stage 3 is the decision to love stage. It's realizing that your partner is human and then making the decision to love them despite the fact that it feels like you are no longer in love.

wat a so "lucky"day

notice no reads 736700586V
its my first summon since i started driving.. a mere 10min walk to e wet market to get those marketing items leads me to $30 poorer.. shit... 1018am....haizz pay lor
its nt a easy task rememebering routes & finding car park lots ...i seem to have so much trouble finding my way ard .. ..still feels better being the passenger

the operations at work seems to be better now since i have an assistant for me this festive season.

never i have felt so humilatedwhen "he gloated at my presence " when i was doing my work as a front line staff, distributing some new yr sweets . he displays such a childish behavior.
as if depising me on my work.
its none of his business oso..

veri vexed......

so angry...

no choice LL . blame it on my "luck"

begining of a busy work schedule

list of tings on my mind.. sat. sun . mon
no fullrest.. longer working hours to prepare for lunar new yr operation work, event on sun, traiining on mon. nt forgeting mon its e first day of battle ... n 2 weeks of peak human traffic in front line...n finding time to revise on e weekends.. time to pack my room.. spring cleaning.. some time to relax ... sleep n revise for sch work... all tis is so packed....

lacklustre performance... easily exhausted n down on luck

Before the lunar pig yr march in.. i have this buggy thought that this year is going to be not so smooth ahead with increase of difficult situations n new problem issues arising frm work.
the rain continues to pour mercilessly on this weekday afternoon .. on lunch hours.
tings like technical fault, those which r nt human error happen to disrupt my normal routine... i wonder if tis is due to my lack of luck or just fate...
perhaps its a new term. n i m still adjusting to the hours... so exhausted after class each day .. n i 've having too many dreams recently. which makes me even more drained out even i had many hours of beauty recuperating sleep .
lady luck is just not on my side......

i hope my luck gets better

the yr 2007 marks a new start. n my first email was a complaint issue... OMG, n before that the sad news is my sales team is gonna spilt.. one of my members cannot move to a new team. n shes gonna b transfered. tis is so demoralising after working together for a couple of months , we manage to build up a little bond, its a mixed feeling.it affects everyone , no one's recovered frm the sudden news.
to make matters worse, my phone just die on me.. n i manage to get a little loan phone from a pal if nt i super handicapped without my cell... it says no service.. no signal on n off . tis is so pek jek...
even if i dun like the changes, i still got to accept it even the new team might not be as friendly n caring environment.
its like a political decison.
i hope my luck gets better.....
i need a lot of positive energy.. coz i have been so grouchy lately.. i tink i remind myself of a shriveled plum sometimes..
i really need to take tings slow , n put relationship on hold for a while , coz all tis little episodes just drive me to a corner.. i had enough, n till e rite one pops... i tink theres no need for me to get hurt unnecessarily. time to learn frm tat old lesson. nt worth mentioning..

e end of a long weekend n a brand new start

it s the end of the long weekend, a brand new yr, 2007. seriously i dunno how i manage to get thru it.sometimes when i c someting , or listen to some songs, it reminds me of him. i know its over but somehow i cannot bring myself to accept the truth coz it hurts to know.
i put in effort but i cannot c the result. e more i give in, the harder it is to get over it.
wat a joke...
tis will take me a long time to heal... i try my best to forget but its nt easy
i wonder if its so easy for him on his side..

letting go.. but y wont e head n heart cordinate

i have 10mins before i reveal the commercial sam that i present to the rest. seriously i feel bad , badly hurt.
i wonder if he feels sad oso that he has been the nasty guy. i realized one ting its difficult to make a decison to make someone sad. feels worse i tink.
maybe its just nt the rite timing.
maybe its just me for being difficult
although its over, i cant stop myself thinking about him, missing him esp in the holiday season. i was supposed to prepare my essays but i couldnt bring myself to do anyting decent. even for last nite. i forced myself to rest so i can have a better time the next day for work.
this yr's xmas n new yr eve had indeed been "memorable"
i m afraid. so afraid of losing him before. but i still lost him.
is there someting to erase my memories so i can b happier.. which is known a selective memory hahahhahah...
time to start cracking for work.. time nt to wallow in self -pity

it was like a holiday romance

just like some ppl , some things happen n end quickly. it was like a holiday romance testing the patience of 2 individuals poles apart. my patience has been tested to the maximium, n tis has tell me someting, a bunch of excuses n the actions taken to justify a person 's true character.
i know i will pull myself up frm tis nonsensical behavior which is not worth over a lousy person. after being in n out of each relationship, i guess we just cant be swayed by emotions, n begin rashly.in order to prevent being heart broken.. e time was short. n there was a lot of waiting.. its nt a good feeling to be always the one waiting.always the person putting in effort n nt being reciprocated. yah frens tell me nt to waste time on such a person. he has nt contributed much n now hes blaming me for it. yet i feel terrible... esp in the midst of a long weekend ahead, nt that i dread them but it would b a good time to recuperate alone.. nursing the wounds that were inflicted on me.i feel cheated , with a chain of promises but each were nt fulfiled or even the minimum achieved. all talk n no action.n tis is how i cultivate trust... TRUST!
A person whos nt fit to question me, what was e objective of having a significant other. when he cannot be relied on. turning my back on me when i need someone.n finally this wakes me up from a long summer dream n all sorts of possible reason sprung to my mind. wat if he doesnt cares at all, another suitable candidate perhaps.or simply hes too lazy to try to accomodate.leaving another party sad n alone.i should thank him for nt prolonging my agony n false naive thoughts that i can still carry on one- sidely based on my effort. if nt the last day of the year would turn out to b the worst day of the whole year.

awakened

i had one of the most miserable nites so far during my xmas holiday tis yr, i dragged myself out of bed today. its been ages since i feel down to work.
the weather has been bloody cold n e wind has numbed me while walking on the streets
it just proves me someting after e call last nite.

there is a little voice in me which tells me hes like a bond. slow n stable , low risk n worth the time for investment
i finally wake up n decide to nt to tink further
it drains too much of my energy.
i check up on the net to find e testimonial deleted , i tink i can expect the worst outcome.
some tings cant b forced
he doesnt puts in effort
hes too passive
hes insincere
if hes unwilling to accomodate so y in the hell he wanted to b in relationship in the first place
i have a valid reason to doubt coz i m most likely insecure, he does nothin to earn my trust
trust has to be accumulated gradually
i have a feel tat i m always kept in the dark, we already dun communicate much, or even sms. if he doesnt open up , i m really clueless
i felt tat iwas talking to air. cant help but was deeply disappointed tat he should turn out to b such ppl i suddenly dunno like a stranger.
e anxiety , e tension , was all for nothing
n i have been a complete fool doing all sorts of crap n effort .

confused n troubled

its been a tough nite for me. i keep tossing n turning.. i have a lot of questions in my head. my head n my mind is just not functioning in unity.
its making me miserable on e best solution
yet deep down i dun want to give up but yet it is tough
should i prolong, drag on or improve on things
once i make a decision , i must keep in mind on the consequences. e suspense is keeping me so difficult . so troubled to do anyting now.
i must learn to trust him fully if nt i 'll face e same problem again.
if i decide to accept such a person, the long term effects r bound to b present.
n when tings still doesnt work out then, i will be worse off.
should i decide to take a chance , then i should go for it...

a lump in the throat

last nite was a chilly evening having a family dinner out. after several months it occured to me that i might a complete fool after all. y is there a difference before going together n after being together.y is there is a modification of behavior?
do i mean so insignificant at times.
i m petty in a way. i m normal, i just want someone to truly care. i always find that there is a distance. n i cant catch up with him.
frm his slack style , just gives me the impression he cant be bothered n he takes me for granted
sometimes he can b boring, but i dun really mind.i dun want just to waste my time with young punks.but then
wat if he is also dating another gal ..,, its a wild imagination...
n after having the talk. its worse than a lump in the throat..
i tot u understand...
such is the underlying meaning beneath those words.. wat can i comment...
be more understanding .. grow up...
nothing more can daunt such a person like him. after many yrs in the work force in the civil sector.
being immuned to work..going with the flow n expect e unexpected..
just enjoy the moment for now.. wats going to happen will eventually does one day.. cant really immerse myself in a degree of imagination n anticipation.
its e time to enjoy after a yr .

e best solution is nt to tink too much,

its better to accept a flaw then to stressing e change.it puts a strain subconsciously n drives me in this depressive syndronme which puts me off unknowingly whic h only my close pal can sense it although i say nothing at all.
love can make ppl stupid.. i m starting to belive it.
do stupid things n cant tink wisely.
its nt a easy time. for us . i can already c tat its going to b tough yr ahead with a lot of hurdles to cross one by one..understanding a person's character takes time . e inital projected perception can prove so wrong, takes time to accept a certain different trait frm urself.. given tat we came frm diverse background, education, beliefs n values we each hold.

one yr olderr nonetheless wiser

its been a great gathering with the defunct 1996-1999 4E2 bunch of classmates. with new members added, a lot of laughter, shared memories as we were playing like bunch of kids back in class,some of us has become different roles , mothers , parents.. each chosing our chosen path in our life. A fren of mine was just chatting , after another 10yrs will she be the remaining lot whos unmarried, so called no career advancements. no "achievements" like a sore loser..
a lot depends on individual decision. some might b ready.. or nt . accidentally delibrately change their own style of life stage , some for instance people like me r just nt "ready" for greater responsibilities , it hasnt cross my mind to take a step slower to take care of other people.. to settle down in my career .. n be a humble "woman" in my "own family"
i was advising my fren coz some things happen for some reason, like one of the incident she holds bitterly , that during one of the gathering , she brought her so called" current bf at the time" n tis mutual fren of hers subsequently got a little "close" with her beau at that time, veri open minded gal.. sort of flirting n has a history of bf snatching.tis fren of mine had a phobia of introducing her next bf to subsequent gatherings.if hes nt the rite one, perhaps marriage or advancing further would never be the top of lists.there are different phases in relationships from being 2 diffeent individuals of background, getting to know someone different n beliefs to accepting n gradually planning to live together n sustain the "flame" i supose this is making everyone so cluelesss but yet yearning of the closeness between each other.I also dunnno if this is healthy but i have gradually accepted that hes the cool man, take things slow n easy, i m nt dying to b married off yet, hes not someone who takes things in action but the ones who keep their passion within themselves.introverted type of supressive reflexes.the one close to me hasnt expressed any explicit wishes or even a call. i dunno whether hes playing dumb , hes tired..he simply cant b bothered or theres some hidden surprises installed for me.. i m nt tat petty but sometings tells me a cue. pehaps m i just an ornament or just being together.simply together n nothing more.
maybe hes been working veri hard, veri lazy chap , veri unromantic man. as for the good points, intelletual , open minded, humble ,easygoing ,fillal, cool. in short husband material but nt veri lover orientated.
i give in , i try to b as unaffected , to behave less of a petty woman,to b more open minded, magnanimous .
its weird.. nt a norm .y doesnt he showers me some attention, affection that i m cherished, deeply loved n wanted. to justify hey.. i do have someone.. but i feel tat tis doesnt happen.
its like having to accept something new.. prefering milk to coffee,, u hate drinking milk but its good for health. gradually u seem to forgot coffee does have some adverse effects , n u decide to adopt milk as a fav drink after a period of adjustment n u forgot tat coffee was once ur addiction. i was expecting but didnt received it. a little disappointment
letdown
tis is someone i chosed..
i hope some things might change..
or improve. for the better

weekend 091206 1113 & 10126 1708

someone has just told me how mercenary i have changed or even calculative.. towards some aspects. well we are living in the world of capitalism & everyting revolves of cost , time & efficiency
i m seeing thingsnow in blury state of mind coz my useless contact lens just broke into pieces n every account i access i let myself stick to the computer screen for fear of quoting the wrong account number..
10126 1708
last nite i received a call frm an old fren whose family was in a state of chaotic repressive mode. his dad was warden in the ICU by a sudden heart stricken ailment.as the eldest son of the family , this escalates his responsibility , definitely not an easy period to tide over. However my level of compassionateness to listen to his crappy style was limited & i was exhausted after sat's work event & date.
hes an hopeless little boy whos adopts the wimpy style to tackle tat sort of gal . bah.. passes my comments
was so playful with JL, becomes addictive with him , being with him,teasing him . i hope the upcoming getaway would b a successful one with my close pals having a little chill in together.the gals out plan seems a little modified after the addition of 2 male particpants .
it feels great being at ease with e ppl u trust n comfortable with.
this year has been fun filled with many new learning experiences in the front line . having known JL was the next best activity in the list having someone by my side to share my rough patches along the path. of couse not forgeting , 2006 also marks the 10th anniversary among my old frens.I owe them a tribute for the continous support they've given me throughout these 10 yrs.

its on wed..

OMG... tis is a festive month.. all getting excited coz boss is nt ard all the time to watch over us.. sales in fact has also been rather consistent among the consultants..
its 2pm in the day.. n i only c a lady among the queue zone.. tat brings to y i m blogging at this hour...
in fact i have a paper due this evening to take but i m just nt in the mood to attend the mock exam .. hahahahhahah
its another 10 odd days before my birthday. haiz nt another year older .. i was still pondering last yr whether i will b old n shrivelled on my 30th birthday m still left on the shelf..
thank god i found him.
to calculate it will b another 7 more yrs before i hit e big 3....
time never waits for no one..
my new motto since i embark on the banking industry
alwats thriving n striving the better if not the best ..
my bloody tooth... got to fix tat next fri
now back home comfortably in front of my set listening to hana kimi's sound track the world is quieter n calmer compared to day time .. with the background of crispy dollar notes spinning in the background..
3 precious weeks to enjoy..
then 2007
then got to clear bridging econs before final exam
a veri challenging n busy start of e year until mid yr . then e start of final yr in uni hopefully clear all 4 units
another holiday plan after holidays, looking forward , extra incentive to save up n stock up on cash

casually leisure sunday

031206 1800hrs
while chatting on the phone with lesbian buddy.. take a break before attempting past yr mock exam papers. this is a good time to practise some essay writing...
the weekend has been a academic retreat preparing the oncoming mock exam for yr 2006, another 3 weeks would b the end of the yr 2006 n the welcoming of 2007 & to march in age of 24 which happens to b my chinese astrological sign.. the boar the cute pig..hahaha
my most fearful unit happens to be financial accounting coz its bloody full of rules n format to adhere to. n i m naturally the careless type so this happens to b my personal killer subject .tonite will definitely b a long one with 2 exam units rite at the corner.. sleeping early n catchingon beauty sleep is out of question here..
my brain's rather stuffed full of ducks n waiing to unload all junk info on mon evening.
another 3 more days before winter break...
waiting....
bdae
celebration
PARTY!!
xmas

F"""ked up with life sometimes

its been 2 long weeks since i have been decently online or even staying up late on a weeknite.. coz i was so stressed up with work. $$ n sch academic stuff. for the last weekend i spent like 14hrs sleeping on a decent saat nite n spend sun working out accounting which took me like a lot of concentration to focus. a lot of uncertainty n ambigous try to clog my head n my brain starts to malfunction n fall apart . as though some heavy weight crushes on me n forces me to stay still there n hang on to there. e load sometimes suffocates me. last weekend was one of the rarest break with no mini event to spoil my break.
there is a lot of work n reviision to b done.. n i m only @ 20% capacity tis is indeed a worrying sign of "progress" n its making me depressed n less confident tat i wont b able to make it. mock exam is on the first week of dec.. now @ chapter 10 or so.. i have no idea how to solve frm chapter 5 onwards.. after e inital intensive revision.. i realize my own capability.. i need help.... spirtually... pray to the confusius.. as some classmate proposed to boost up the morale ...
hopefully a study group helps. i wont want to be caught dead in the last min craming of information .. tis will cause me to age faster n disintegrate at a rapid rate ...
lately at work is a picture of confusion sometimes with ocassional idiots to try to disrupt ur pace.
high demands , lack of accurate information , have to act wisely in the favourable postion in terms of organisation n personal..
its a fast pace environment .
like today i had an unreasonable request, n tat client is trying to propose someting which cant b done logically.. n its a an art of rejecting someone right on the face.. n yet preserving some dignity in tat person. weekend,, how beautiful but short lived... there r 2 extra reports to b done .. total of 4 to b submitted..
i have to tink of a gift.. its always a pain to shop for gifts . e emotional attachement as well is involved n esp its someone endearing although its a terrible shame tat i dunno wat he truly likes or needs.. so near n yet so far. 4 more days to decide n i settled some of the programs installed. time to zzzz

a long nite out on mon evening

to summarize
attended D & D
after a long day work
received GBB award during office hours
had fun with my colleagues
chill out .. part 2@ clarke quay
with jong n Jon..
diff nationalities .. communication is a slight problem but still can make it
while waiting for my hair to dry.. started to write a little
tml will be another long day as well.
meeting inthe morning
last day of the month..peak operation
rush to sch after i KO
kinda insane lifestyle
nt too many of such nites.. will easily becomewithered n depressed..
better crawl back to bed liao..

291006 1010

i haven been supressing a lot of my negative emotions.. by motivating myself tat its a small issue. because i dun want to stir tings up n cause too much implications between 2 individuals. until last nite i began to see tings from his perspective n i really wonder why we got together depsite being so different.
i forsee a lot of more difficult days ahead. theres much ambiguity on whether we can last to the test of time. however i have been oso reminding myself that this shouldnt affect my grades. a cooling off period would be good to acess whether i need this person. a lot of tings can change n besides i have my doubts , nt due to mistrust but its different wave lengths some times

wOmen noRmaLly forgEt hOw mUch thRy're wOrtH.. tis is a nick frm a fren. towards men they love. they r usually more lenient n forgiving. maybe i should stop behaving like some love sick idiot n pick myself up that i can fend on my own. n b so damn determined n less soft hearted to wicked men n men who try to smoke their way with me n make me lose my ability to reason.
to b fair , after hearing him out , perhaps its time to take some steps back n slower the pace between us. time to re-evaluate if i can accept a passive but promising person. hes defintely nt the bf material , however he makes a ideal life partner coz of his qualities . some rare type of traits i seldom c in ppl his age. hes intelligent but hes the act blur type, quiet achiever but ambitious.
veri cautious , sensitive but seldom shows his true emotions.determined to achieve his goals.....so much abt tat......2 be updated.

letting go of emotional baggages

after thinking thru a few nites i came to a conclusion. perhaps hes nt a lover material after all
instead of waiting , there are much more things i can do
option 1 is to accept for who he is
optioin 2 is the call it quits n break it off
option 3 is to fish for other men while maintaining the relationship half hoping he might change
option 4 is the nt commonly used method is to known as mutiple dating.. which is rather hurting to the another party
some consider it a " backup" plan just in case if plan A fails , we still have plan B, C, Nth
i will never take the initative ever.
feels cheap
demoralising
if hes nt the issue, perhaps i m the one whos nt attractive. good enough
by far, i have considered a few interviews frm my peers n the results i gather so far is that how can someone literally dump u in one corner. no time for anyting...
like some ragged doll
after some time . u convince urself that its just the way it is n its nt going to improve
have i been nt understanding towards him ?
i believed i have practised my utmost patience , for being taken for granted n if this is to be continuing this way. i dunno how to motivate myself to continue in this manner . is there any meaning or value-add in comparison to being by my own
i rather take his intepretation that even with or without someone by his side is secondary.
veri xian ..... what is being expected of him is so bloody minimum.. however out of 100% , i receive like 0.01. this is detrimental between us. yet there is no intiative or any solutions.
he rarely shares n i seldom ask too much
there is a lot of unspoken communication going on..
i m disappointed. shattered by someone. probabby he doesnt even cares.. so b it... shouldnt take long to discover if that other person is someone u wanna spend e rest of ur life with.
i just hang on n if i m still unhappy with someone , then just settle my immiseration then

a visit by TK

visit by tow kay.. veri unnatural feeling that suddenly e morale is suddenly surged to a pt..
being lowered as to e same type of uniformity.
well... so much of being neglected ....
maybe i m with r wrong guy again.. how depressing..

pondering....

had a nice chill out with my pals... over dinner n coffee..
there r probbabbly a dozen questions i 've thinking
does e problem lies with me, or m i just being too insecure of myself or him .
r we suited , is tat e kind of man i m seeking? some long term partner ideally
do i pose as a nuisance sometimes , attention seeking ? no i m not,, just sharing some recent updates instead of living each day on our own separate lives .. separately like as though we were not attached in the first place.. emotionally detached should b the term.. i m talking to air.. smsing to invisible.. there r no comments. no response. i should save all my comments to myself ?
strangely i m nt upset this time but rather i m considering is this e kind of attitude i should be receiving from someone i know or perhaps i shouldnt b even reacting or self responding?
i m e lame one here.. or i shouldnt be doing such tings?
perhaps there r a milion things i dun understand abt him n the only link i can group here is academics.. n besides that , character similarities is probabbly another factor that we can click, however the lack of communication does pose as a hindrance.
clearly there is some common ground that there is a need to focus on personal goals.. that should b the way but somehow it feels strange. y is it like this. its so alienated , its like e only term in my head, is there someting wrong but i cant pin point whats e error.
besides it should be lovey dovey , but its nt.
m i a leech, m i demanding. m i childish. m i on the wrong track. m i happy. should i b happy with such an outcome like that .
r we supposed to b together ?
is tat a wrong time to get involved?
is that a reason for that sort of behavior, is there any solution for such a problem.
how can i improve on such a situation, is there a better way out there ?
should i just relax n let tings go on it own course.
can i leave tings as it is now n expect it to roll on its own
is there a mis match between 2 unique individuals that cause certain irreconcilable differences , opinions , values , understanding, unintended consequences , the questions linger in my head , & i decided not to pursue further because this is nt veri healthy. it cause unnecessary strain in the process. n having heard of the little domestic episodes , there was a consensus , there will alwaysbe conflict.. its inevitable n there r certain measures to contain it. n a lot depends on the individual whether it can be resolved , 2 sides of a issue on the controversy. it can make or break an individual .
e maturity of this person accounts for the own actions n the impact on the people around this "self"..based by the terms of morals , intelligence . attitudes n behavior... i read abt this smart person at the papers ,, using his gifted intellectual intelligence to commit crimes, fraud. using it inappropriately which in turns results in deviancy n "punishment " towards such unaccepted mistake. tis tarnish his "record" which could b veri well promising. e wrong path n its the end.
hes a tough case to crack.
i should mind my own business afterall
its not worth e effort anyway. or issit false consciousness , that i m blinded to some imperfections. or maybe there s no explanation at all.
i done all i could.
e rest is ...........................................................
2351hrs 261006

gloomy evening.. 1829 251006

just trim my hair.. had a gd dinner aka ipoh hor fun @ orchid's

my hair looks good hehehe

waiting for a ex colleague to KO aat the mean time

weather outside is really cooling... ^_^

PH hari raya 1128hrs 241006

waking up fresh in the morning.. best.. especially on a PH
n today is the anniversay of me being a driver.. after today i can no longer display tat P plate again.. hahaha
tis will b a short entry shortly i will resume my readings.. on phenemology n ethnography. epistemology n otocology.. so much abt tat.. it can make someone go mad... wild reading too much of those stuff so much abt y peoply go mad, homosexuality, how to do reseaarch on tat. valididate on those findings n staff welfare.. HRm.. marketing...
another 2 more yrs i m as free as a bird.. worrying abt other tings like career n marriage , n tats wat i m working towards ultimately set up a family of my own. someting which i was deprived frm since young. i cant learn how to b a parent first until i become 1.. but i will read up lotsa to fulfil beiong a child's fren.. hahaha
how i envy those mates of mine sustaining those relationship of theirs... 7 yrs n still going strong.. was browsing thru their pics ..
my Nth bf.... haizzzzz...... OK! shall try my best to b happy in this relationship even it doesnt work out in the end..there is jsut nt much time for regrets if i have already made my choice.. just had to brave strongly ahead n take steps to improvise on it..

241006 2231
just came frm another family dinner @ sk.. was discussing some domestic issues..
watching ting's wedding video clip,my stupid bro turn ard n ask me.?
ah ling ah , wheres ur turn ? but the first ting u got to do is to go for a crash diet first.
dunno who is the poor guy out there ...hahaha..
the little gal in the family... hasnt really grow up nt phsyically but in a mental state of self. i dun tink i m ready yet to be detached frm the cosy background..
perhaps i dun need to b showered with a lot repsonsibilities.. i like my present moment.. can do last min travelling.. just take leave n pack my bag n off i go with my frens..
kinda carefree.. sleep thru morning.. wait 2 b served.. always desserts.. ready cut fruits arranged nicely after dinner.. jan n may will just settle tings in the kitchen
after having a family , the usual indulgences cannot be fulfiled as easily as when u were a little gal,, got to b more accomodating n patient towards a new extended family.

=_=

its a mon.. while trying to wait for a china customer to put down his cell phone.. i m trying my best nt to leave my seat n go toilet... haizz hes been on the phone for almost 15min..
buay tahan man.....
he stinks n he speaks in such a foul manner.. foreman.. no choice,,
HELP HELP!! my bladder 's gonna burst soon...
it must b due to tat extra big pack of chow mien.. n milk tea...
another long day before PH is approaching , damn man i m so tempted to skip class for this evening.. mon nite n a holiday eve...
SHIT !! tis bloody china man hasnt settle his work matters.. i can feel shit coming my way... but i cant show it openly.. so repressive towards a stomache..
now almost 30 mins.... haizzz
i m sitting cross legged as i can now..
finally.... a heave of relief....

SUPER SUNDAY

1106 221006 hazy

白色的风筝

安静的纯真
真实的感觉
梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水
复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着握住
我的手梦希望没有尽头我们走到这就好因为我不想太快

走完这幸福很可惜没有祝福但爱你并不孤独不会再让你哭
我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么反正不会松手
我陪你走到最后能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手晚一点再到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间
谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远
白色的风筝安静的
纯真真实的感觉
梦境般遥远甜甜的海水复杂的眼泪看你傻笑着握住我的手很可惜没有祝福但爱你并不孤独不会再让你哭我陪你走到最后能不能不要回头你紧紧地抱住我说你不需要承诺你说我若一个人会比较自由我不懂你说什么反正不会松手我陪你走到最后能不能别想太多会不会手牵着手晚一点再到尽头你说不该再相见只为了瞬间谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远...............

while listening to his hit.. its another reflective mode once again using hunter's com..
List of things done over deepavali
had a nice rest.. which indicates not sleeping beyond 12 n waking up early in the morning ard 6-7.30am
good chill out session with e gals
wonderful hospitablity with xinyi's family, good food. aircon at e living rm while singing KTV
family bonding time with ah pa n bro 3, jan.. as well as baby xavier..
ok soon to be done.. go over mo's lecture slides n read text book.
its really healthy.. to sleep early n wake up early i had breakfast ard 9 .. but e rooster aka xavier is a live alram clock started brawling ard 0630 hrs.. OMG... i woke up first at 0555 to pee... seldom wake up so early just to eat.. n drive to eat katong laksa .. e branded 328 opp roxy square.. nwow .. the lady boss really blow me off.. red hot chilly hair n body.. voluptous n cuvy for a lady her age. n her laska is incredible in the end had to park 5374 at petrol station to drop bomb.. as they mention e family blood runs in deep.. both my bro n i .. hahahaha
i begin to realize e life of homemakers n all the mothers.. conscientously waking up early to do mrketig n the preparatioon proces is just to tedious to mention.. although i m a disaster in the kitchen .. i still find zann's mother busy preparing food n more food just for us.. n for the family
n oso in the middle of e nite.. i c bro3 preparing mik for prince xavier.. how parenthood is.. call it miserable or rewarding . works both ways
i couldnt really focus on the road as well.. eyes half closed hahahahaah.. enjoy my remaining years before i become a full time working mother.. another role in my stage of life after career development. i hope he can wait till then..
he was asking me one nite.. if there would b a chance when we shop together for grocery n furniture .. i hope i can c tat happen in the near future.. Looking forward to tat day . theres tis saying..every gal hopes tat she will be the last one fo him n for the guy the first for his case.
every phase is different , bring different challenges to meet .
be it in career , family or relationship with ur significant other .
a lot to learn from the seniors on how they manage their lovely home
long way way way to go... baby its YOU.. YES its you...! time to revise.... for sun,, SUPER SUNDAY!
(=^_^=)

221006 1615
just driving 5374 back home , we had a family episode between the man n wife.. e $ issue of overdraft n unwise financial planning ..e habit of overdraft n the conflict.. e wife is in distress n leads to a soap opera.. tears... during the car ride . i had no choice but to keep my mouth shut n my eyes on the road.. no comments when 2 ppl r in an argument...
a woman's greatest tool towards men is their tears.. indeed one of my client shared this theory to me ... men r afraid of water.. yes its women's tears , it does melt their hearts n soften their antagonism between 2 individuals.
i hope i wont have to use it on anyone. i hate being vulnerable towards anyone. tis just puts me in an unfavourable position. to b happily married with ur significant half is the best ting that can happen for any gal , however when this little gal is detached from her family tree.. then she got to stand on her own n solve issues together with her new family
its true tat $ is the root of all evil if used unwisely for the wrong purposes as it can make or break a person, family. during my stay in the banking industry, there are just too manyexamples to cite from the misuse of personal funds.
its quite scary to tink tat someone dear to u is nt behaving normally n sinks to abyss of debts n more debts or negative savings. i spent almost all my time advising ppl on e methods of wealth accumulation n ironically i belong the group of ppl who also find myself in cashflow problems sometimes tempted to get a relief on cash advance n credit lines.. ehehehe
but if the mismanagment can lead to a snow ball effect altogether n chain effect n tis strains the relationship between the spouse , n ppl related . one of such example is my pal who is always in dire straits but refuse to improve her lifestyle n continues to indulge in certain lifestyles she sticks adherely to it.. who knows when she will "grow ou " of her habit n grow up

never underestimate the power of team effort n women !!!

never underestimate the power of teamwork.. we have combined our efforts to safe guard our base.. n to our surprise! we have a big deal today.... n tat was so comforting to justify our efforts as a team. top br in e east cluster ..HAHA out goes the " shark"
shark has been rather consistent. being top among the cluster.. shes has a reputation for nt selling ethically n to the disadvantaged
we got to prove to the rest without a rosy base n environement we still can sell ethically n b top branch as well with those "so called " lousy leads...
i knocked off early today.. just thinking abt last nite is good enough to make me last till the longweekend.. but e trip back was rather scary.. last train.. among the last to leave e cabin.
i had a most enjoyable evening although i m suffering the side effects ..struggling to get out of bed tis morning ,hugging someone u love is never enough..
it can make u forget about time.
being noti sometimes discreetly helps u to relive stress sometimes.
cozu r nt caught!
but then again he smells nice... hehehehehehehehehh
e capacity of a young lady's imagination is bounderless n limitless.. pretty wild.. hahaha
it helps to occupy my "deprived soul " clear my thoughts..


OMG.... wat m i tinking man!!! i hope he doesnt get to read this...
looking forwaard to the following holidays.. public holidays... ILOVEU !!
i never wanna let go of u ever ... JLSY ^_^

1917hrs 201006

housekeeping... coz some big shot is visiting

recently tbere has been some rumours of restructuring of the organisation , n this indeed brings much distress in the environment..
come later this afternoon i m expecting a overseas guest... who will b inspecting our premises, to give a evaulation to the top management.. i spent the last of the evening trying to collect all the " toys" frm my various colleagues trying to hide some where first in a " box".
there comes the issue of the acting boss n the new boss.. both are in different scope of work n has conflicting issues towards sales n service.. now now we as subordinates are caught between 2 types of management style which in my position is nt good..

y .. y .. y 181006 2322

y is he so mean
y is he so sensitive
y is he so unloving
y m i so agitated
y do i keep rejecting the rest
y m i so forgiving towards him
y do i always give him privilege
y do i put myself in such deep shit with such a man
y m i so infuriated with such nonsense esp at the end of longn tired day
y is it tat i cant get what i want
what is want is really simple...
y cant he get my pt.. F****
ENOUGH!
LXH IS ANOTHER DARN FOOL... FOOLISHLY PREGNANT AT THE WRONG TIME.. FINE ITS NONE OF MY FREAKING BUSINESS AS WELL...
3 months in conceived n we as frens in the dark, r we frens in the 1st place as well..
fine.. fine fine...
who cares!
i gonna have fun.. party!!!
i shall slim down n have alternatives..
actually e heart is a veri fragile organ.. it feels pain.. it does...
disppointment , despair, disheartened, desperate..
n its so disheartening.. i 've placed him above e rest..
how should i continue like this ...
COOL IT BABE>> u got like tons of essay to write ,, n its nt worth over such a man like him..
sometimes i have a urgent impulse to smack him..

ANGRY!ARGGGGHHHHHHH
its ok ! i can deal with it watching it on my own. its nt tat i cant afford it .. PISSED OFF , SICKENING BYATCH !

awakened n revitalised

life is nt just romance.. its but a cherry on the icing ..
but without it , individuals get stronger & fight fiercely on their own just like the primitive times.
i come to a understanding.. we dun live for the moment n its all about choices n elimination, if this candidate fails to meet e requirements. out he goes.. eliminated just like talent quests..
working in the branch never fails to amaze.. its always dynamic n ever changing fast paced environment facing daily challenges , demanding clients n new ambiguous issues to b solved.
it has improved my personal well being as i face the different facets of background n diverse culturals of different nationalities.
so much of whining,, it doesnt problem solve effectively.. even without a fort. a ship can eventually embark on a journey on its own n anchor eventually on a port or an island or continue to wander on the strange lands.
time to wake up , no more dreaming,, fight for sales n market share.. bid for the best perfomer in the cluster.. get more $$ , retire earlier n get a good man,, someone really superb who cares,, genuinely..

totally bogged up 161006 2351

lesson was as usual... exceptionally boring..
while relaxing .. listening to e classic love songs from class 95 , there was this topic of
" how to get anyone to open up"
start with a connection,, stay with stay topics of where to get good food... where u had dinner last nite..
latest news in the line...
go with e flow
e first kiss should always end in the tingle in the air.. wat a tag line frm one of the audience
with tat ended alicia keyes 's aint i got u..

there r many ways n methods to cheer up
or even motivate urself to b happy..
i tried a few.. n it works
try buying someting u wanted so much n u got it..
having lots of $ probabbly helps.. n spending it.. retail therapy
go for a nice hair cut n trim away all ur worries
getting a nice sweat @ e threadmill...
having a long relaxing swim
being with ur pets
hugging someone u love
getting a substitute when someone u love is n/a,,, ie ur bolster.. ur "precious"
bitching with ur best buddies n gal frens
going on a diet n slimming down to e perfect dress tat u always wanted..
eating a whole tub of icecream while trying ur best nt to get depressive
watching a whole lot of lame shows n sad movies.. contrasting effects helps
coopinh urself in bed thinkingtat u r e most fortunate person on earth
having a nice long cry.. helps to regain back ur sanity..
laugh it out !!
a bit of yoga boosts ur concentration.

this week has been my most trying week.. had double my dosage of kopi.. trying my best to stay fresh during office hours... e haze is just making everyone more difficult.. my eyes r dry.. i blink n blink.. stay indoors more.. eat in a small room everyday.. now e lunch crowd scares me off to a corner.. i feel abnormal lunching in subnormal hours.
my old fren.. ting is getting married today.. i couldnt attend her wedding but i feel really happy for her .. envy her oso for being so simple n contented .. her husband looks great, comes frm a family of lawyers n accountants.. another which is oso getting hitched e second time on 3/11/06...
some tings cannot be changed.. neither can it be improved .. its either to accept it or to reject it.. its a theory which people tend to overlook. there is a saying that love can make a person blind to her/ his weakness.. but dun love blindly..
i 've been doing a lot of self reflecting these few days.. probabbly theres isnt any equality after all..
my heart sinks.. to a pit .. burried n fixed there . it gets stagnent n eventually forgotten .. but who cares .. its just a vicious cycle.. but its nt important.. nothing else matters .
proabbly after a month or so.. i pick myself up again frm where i left.. its nt tat tough.. if i get determined enough ..
oh man ! i get so poetic tonite n e earlier phrase sounds like a poem..OMG
tat could b e result of reading so much content , internalising e knowlege n having to write like some crappy essay to prove tat u know ur nuts..
i been reading stuff like y peoply commit suicide.. who is more prone to killing themselves.. how to do research on such sensitive issues n wats e best method.. n the adv n disadv n collecting such date n to comment on the criticism on certain methods.. all these isdriving me nuts soon..
wats more dry.. hr,,, its another even more dry unit.. o n my left side of my study table lies a stack of texts. abt 10-20cm ht... another corner lies e stack of files n case study to go thru every nite.. i m so sick of flippinh thru.. full of notes n highlighted stuff,, its already 3rd hand at least. i might suffer frm color blindness after 2 yrs reading such crappy tings


my brain.. overworked.. plagues by sales figures by day n cramped by a lot of readings at nite.. its extreme.. i find it torturing..
theres no one in e house to share my woes.. i m used to it oso.. rather peaceful. no disruptions.. i know i should b thankful at least i have e energy to slog on... although the conditions might nt b as rosy as compared in the past no need to struggle every morning n wonder y i only have 24hrs in a day n nt more than tat. y i have lesser hr to sleep compared to e rest..
comparison can never b a good bench mark oso . it just makes u more imbalanced than inital state of the mind.. so many has did it n completed their studies with good results.. n I CAN BE one of e statistic as well.. it will prove tat i m a more efficient student hahaha in a more exhausting manner tats all..hopefully when i re read this entry in yr 2008 aug.. i m already preparing for convocation... i better b.....
another 3 more chapters before i can call it a day... cheers.. sam,............
before =_=
after =^__^=
1254hrs

still as hazey as it is// 1258 hrs 161006

e UOL building in front of me still looks as hazey as ever

blogging while my colleague is having lunch

crowd seems pretty ok.

seems like e weather is affecting retailing business as well.. n the bank operates like a retail shop sometimes execept tat it deals with financial products

1010 151006

its been a good gathering with the elders..

u realized tat u r grown up while ur seniors have aged.. e kids who were babies r now running wild in the garden

my sister in law, may has a huge extended family , out or personal obligation had to help her sister fix a place for her wedding.. back then shes only 19 , i know her when i was 15. now shes 27 n getting married in 2 days time..

its a overwhelming effect when e house is packed with people with nice aroma , smell of food n bbq smoke , e ambience is totally warming.

while driving , my bro discussed the stages of relationship n the art of keeping it alive n oso e passion with ur partner.. its like a long path frm knowing to understanding , planning n sustaining.. certainly takes 2 to make all this work.

somehow.. i tink i have done too much.. it seems tat even without me he can cope pretty well so i should just steer clear .. m i attracting attention.. seriously i dun tink i m... love is never fair .. some party has to give in more or accomodate more.. if tats e case , i rather nt put in tat effort.. an effort tats nt reciprocated .. rather insulting... maybe we r too different... should jsut leave him alone ... since he can cope so well ... y should i bother with another person whos nt interested , it would b a complete waste of my effort n time . i shouldnt stoop myself tat low.. after a while if tat person continues tis way persistently.. sometinf is wrong...its just nt the way to behave like tis.. any other gal would have reacted e same...

fine......

enough is enough.

i give up..

if hes nt worth the effort, trash it...

tell myself i can b a heartless bitch myself who couldnt care less of wats going on except on myself...

tats wat i m going to do..

n i trust myself i definitely can be one

sick of being some transparent element

tired of taking the lead

disappointed with some outcomes

just let it b..

arrange for more work

switch off my handphone sometimes

make myself incontactable

since i m taken so lightly.. it so mad n its just nt polite to ignore or nt return calls.

y should i make myself so conveniently located

KNN.. its so bloodly unfair..

i keep quiet. i m tying to c how he behaves .. but i m disappointed sometimes... i dun mention it. tat doesnt mean i m fine..

taken for granted.... everyting changes

do i look like someone who will be easily manipulated.. no way... !!!

since he has stired up the fire n made me so mad ...

lets play e waiting game man...

E beautiful tings u hold tightly with u

http://health.msn.com/centers/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100100328

1016am 151006

there is just too much to mention namely the beautiful things.

ur lovely parents.. perhaps ur beloved ones or even ur significant half...we dun have to mention names.,. they r deeply engraved in our memories. my mum is someone i dun want to forget..
its been a gd 12 yrs without her, some of e happy memories r still fresh in my head.. even as long as i was 7. Being the only princess of the house, ur mum is just one extraordinary person who would spend time dolling u up. whipping nice dishes in the kitchen which in my case.. it was opposite.

mum was always on the move.. i would remember her flipping thru her appointment book. rushing to appointments n reminding me to be independent & to behave while i take care of myself in the house by myself.she was always so full of energy ,so bubbly n motivated to b a homemaker n a terrific sales person. i would end up my mum's PA sometimes answering her callls.. so my sales flair begins when i was just a kid..
there were some words i remember her telling me..
be good t o your father if i cant take care of u someday..
b a strong person n stand up on ur own..
always believe in yourself n dun depend on other ppl..

i recall being so clingy to her like a koala bearin bed.. always bugging her to wake up to make desserts n cookies n refusing to give her her shoes to get out of the house for her appointments.hahaha i was such a little gal then..
unti lthen i didnt realize how much effort she put in to pull the family together... but i always end up that my dad didnt understand up & cause much conflicts n tension. proabbly coz she didnt have the concentration, her dishes sometimes turn up funny or even weird to a certain extent.. my bro would just reject those dishes coz it tasted so horrendous.. probabbly u remember 2 extreme tings.. e most wonderful food u taste n e worst. my dad was e worst.. he just dump everyting in the garbarge.. its rubbish to him..
thats when suddenly those food disappear n its replaced by my dad who turns out to b a worse chef than mum.. we end up playing scissors paper stone to decide who gets to finish up the "worse dish" if nt my dad will blow up coz his culinary efforts is not recognised n appreciated.There were times of my dark periods when i had my fights with my dad ended up slaming both our doors n back to our room..periods of missing tis endearing person who would b on ur side.tat i would describe ..it was much regret that she cant c me now... all grown up n we could have gone for a spa or shopping together.. everyting on me.. going on tour with her..there were so many tings i wished i could share with her.. in stead of complaining to her whenever i visit her in mt vernon. it feels incomplete sometimes , some insecurity when u were jsut a kid.. u pin all ur hopes on ur parents to find it all dashed... now back to present.. as age catches our fights diminishes like the economics law of marginal utility/ although there s still some endless nagging frm him. Its been a long way now. viv did mention to me now tat u survive on ur own for those last odd 10 over years.. so when my relationship was on e rocks, she reassurred me everytime will b fine ...
my first breakup when i was 19
e yr 1994
n tat was like e most bitter chapter of my life moments of anguish n hatred n repulsiveness i choose nt to relive it although some flashes of memories just appear ... it doent affects me now . nt anymore..

i woke up today pondering over my conversation with him last nite.. do i really belong to the senseless dumb category whos easily unfluenced.. dee p down i dun tink i m... i tink i m more selective in certain areas ...

i seldom recluse myself. although i will sometimes..

naturally now i would avoid the crowd .. i have spent e last amost 22hrs in my little cubicle at home..
later i got to have a social gathering coz theres a family bbq nite i got to arrange to check in at that bungalow.

until then so much of my endless stories n melancholic entry on a bright sunday morning...

there is a lot to explore. many possibilities.. but it can only be fulfiled n realized if you choose to make it happen.

1056hrs 111006

time to make a change in my grades n personal potential..

way to go..

pleasant weekday on my off day

with loud music blasting @ my ears n e breeze frm the fan... everyting looks pretty fine on a peaceful wed in spite of my colleague calling me @ 10.30 am in the morning.

is a drive n passion that drives u to perform n exceed ur own potential.. n tis is driving me... each day i wake up ..
y we work so hard ..

darling.....u r my source of inspiration... n i never want to lose u.

Tues morning @ 1.07am

As other frens has described, "he" is indeed a "nice guy"' who has strong morals ... kind, patient, & understanding person .I do appreciate the little acts from him, n our brief blissful moments while trying to find time togetherUnfortuately to all the gals out there ,hes been taken up.. So far theres not much complaints about tis wonderful beau.If there was anyting that was lacking would be time, however this is no longer an issue becoz love transcends time & we both got a common understanding to work tings out n we have faith in each other.We have both embarked on a new journey together n tis is only the begining. Nevertheless, we will still continue to strive for our goals n achieve happines together..loving you alwayssam ^_^

as mentioned above tis was a testimonial i wrote for him..

I have dated otther people out there.. but e vibes tat he sent is certainly different frm the rest this time.

i reckon there is a switch of roles sometimes between the man n the gal friend.. e classic new age sensitive guy whos ever so thoughtful towards his gal.. tat is truly a blessing.. n all gd tings have got to b waited on.. harvested ....

this is the far most relaxed relationship i m in now without having to inflict external or added stress on each other.. n continues to progress each n every day

PFG or plaster fat guy has been one of the " nicest" boss who takes good cares of his subordinates ,,, no doubt hes result orientated , he has imparted some of the most important skills to me in the team... we seem to synchronise work more smoothly now as times goes by .. the performance has also improved as compared to other teams in the cluster..

i have 2 weekends to rest n start my long awaited revison n tutorial preparation ....

it will b another 1 month or so before i c him.. n shortly another round of separation.. its gonna b hard but its part n parcel.. in order to appreciate the warmth of the sun., sometimes one has to experience long periods of pitch darkness in order to understand better the extreme of the latter n treasure tings which we always take for granted for.. like those people who would get behind to lend us a hand when we are lost or troubled console us when we are terribly down n depressed..to be always supportive , behind us n catch us when we fall , bring us happiness when we least expect it.. my baby... yeah u r the one for me... how would i have been if i never met u again..

=)
0126hrs
101006

chill out nite after hazel nut latte

well .. tis could b the caffeine acting up.. it happens after i gulp down during the possible sleeping hours of the timing.. n after tiramisu . its double e effect ...
although we didnt manage to c the moon.. being out with the gals is the next best ting to me.. i treasure the bonding with my gals.. as age catches up , commitment seems to pile up so frienship doesnt end there.
i wonder if all of us r married , would we fulfil the idea of shopping with style with our prams n kids.. its like such a long way ahead.
i m hitting like the big 25 in 2 yrs time. another 7 yrs to 30...
havea lot in mind. but lack the discpline to fulfile .. e habit of procastinating just doesnt seems to b good

e eve of mooncake festival

its nice to have someone by ur side gazing at the stars.. counting ur blessings even on a dull weeknite..
it has been a peaceful n romantic fulfiling evening to b able to b with him..quietly in a nice setting ..
thats totally relaxing to put ur mind at ease n enjoy the lovely breeze n appreciate nature.
away frm the urbanised culture or even entertaining strangers during the course of work.
e next phase is like an exploring stage whereby we will uncover certain traits of each other n hopfully to solve issues n work tings out together..
using ur temper .. losing ur cool doesnt help.. it makes tings worse off . if we could pull ourselves together n rationalise . perhaps the picture would b simpler. however we are after all humans.
another 2 months to 2007 . its been a gd 2 months with him n many consecutive 2 months together

a series of wrong turns

its tough being a driver. someone who knows the route well ,, plans the journey , unfortunately i do not belong to e former..
behind the wheel .. i m sometimes in a ball of mess , fumbling with the various driving tools ...a good sense of direction just does not fall under my characteristic traits... its a pain to b stranded out of no where in pitch darkenss trying to figure out which is the correct path back home. just as i hate to check on maps n the little green friendly sign board.. i was faced with another issue... panic button hit...runing out of petrol n fishing out a petrol station out of somwhere .. out of my 22 years of human existance.. i managed to get the right petrol n randomly took the most correct intutive route back my sweet little home.. n here i am now.. nicely showered n calmed down .. with a nt so helpful navigator aka my daddy its simply even more difficult to cordinate with his instructions ,which some i dun even understand what blab he was trying to explain.. nevertheless after some series of wrong turns.. we still got it.... yeah......
after being so hopelessly dependently on my lovely brother for being the family driver, i do miss his presence although he does scream at me for mis- using his car.. at least hes got skills that i ought to learn from..
after driving the whole day , i m losing it.. e battery didnt work , e alram just rattle on.. really had a hard time stoping it n solving wats with that little gadget.. to imagine driving alone in some ulu parts of the island really scares me.. wat if i m stranded with no phone or public transport.. oh man... i gonnna b in deep trouble .....worse still if i m robbed ,, penniless
i broke in cold sweat esp oso at the same time with 2 young kids behind me, jumpingn screaming , a naggy old man by my side... cant rationalise properly , e sense of responsibiliy to deliver safely becomes a major block in my mind.. n half e time i was half praying my sweaty palms wont act on me again.. it was so slippery n so tense ..i half wish i hasnt got in as a driver in the 1st place..
thank god its is only one of the rare sundays i m obliged to be despatch...

euphoric saturday nite

its a lot to digest.. for tonite.. really feel high .. top of e skies n a sense of euphoria floods me..

could b e milk tea tat i had for supper which affects my sleeping cycle.. just veri alert during the wee hours of the nite.. at 0507am... on sun morning.. tis is insane...

could b other tings i have in mind reliving it... ehehehe :p
level 1 to level 2 with him..

certain tings just happen erratically without any signs or symptoms.. it does happen.
apparently i m kinda in a state of shock n denial .. .hahaha

YEs its true.. it is.. accept it... yeah i tink i have to..

it has been a long day after a day's work checking thru past records. preparing for the next check due in a few months time.. to me its been rather ambigous as towards him... i always belive certain things happen for a good reason which is y i have managed to grab hold of sanity.. being pragmatic as well as maintaining a cheerful, optimistic outlook.

would wish to pull through the most crucial years of myself n progress on to the next phase... really looking forward to another exciting phase. slow n steady.. gettting there reaching the next rest stop before embarking to another stop..

someting interesting
http://www.cyberparent.com/love/love-being-in-love-1.htm

e effect of caffeine has started to wear off... all rite time to head for some decent rest before sun depreciates fast... . another 24-26 hrs to mon morning... 0525hrs 01/10/06